Cheerless Butterfly
I'm dying to know
Do you do you like dreaming of things
So impossible
Or only the practical?"
Dashboard Confessional ~ So Impossible
I am watching your antics online safely behind a blocked msn partition. I spoke to you earlier in a panic attack that gmail had stolen my account and given it to someone else. But that was a moment of pure folly best left forgotten.
You seem a bit quiet and reserved tonight. I don't understand. I don't really know what to do with you. I want to talk to you in a way. I want you to make an effort to talk to me. I want you to be bursting at the seams in telling me things. But it doesn't seem that way. And for once, you're still online even after I leave. Or "leave" as it may seem.
Tell me, what is it about me that makes me so repugnant to you that I don't seem to interest you at all? You are like a little boy in a sandbox who picks up toys, studies them, then puts them aside again, preferring to build sandcastles or simply sit and contemplate the grains of sand. And I am just a passing whim, and mere fancy, a little toy.
*sigh*
Regardless of my true feelings, I can't help the ego and the pride. I want to shake you. I want to sit down with you and ask you to your face what it is about me that stops you from doing this? And you will in turn tell me that it's not me. It's you. And that you didn't know what it was that was stopping you when you know how great I am. And then you will proceed to say that if you knew what it was, this would all be so easy, and we wouldn't be in this quandry. And how you hate yourself for having to put me through this. See? I know your answers. I know them all. By rote.
*checks on msn again*
yup, you're still there.
*shakes head*
Well it's getting to midnight. I should get to bed. Another day tomorrow.
I just wish you missed me enough. I'm not going to ask you for some time. I hate being rebuffed by you. I detest it. It does nothing for me to face rejection from you. It is silly and pointless. So rather than go back and unblock you and demand an explanation (online - again, no less) I'll blog it out here instead. And hopefully it will be enough to keep me sane for another day.
So that's 2 days in a row that I've spoken to/had contact with him. How about I don't talk to him for the rest of the week? I've gone through all my dvds. I even sat down and watched Master and Commander tonight.
*sigh*
I'm going to bed. All this thinking......
...and you're still there...
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:48 pm
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