Perplexed Butterfly
Do you know what is ultimately strangely nice? Thinking about the possibility that someone is interested in you. Even though immediately following that thought is quick dismissal followed by your own laughter at the thought.As if a grown man had any interest in you. Yes, so you can hold a decent conversation, and yes, you can joke around with him, but by no means can you truly be on equal standing, surely?
So rather than angst about whether you do or you do don't, it's often easier just to dismiss and move on. Play it safe and pretend that nothing's going on.
I was speaking to Him online yesterday, and I found it a little strange to find that I could talk to him about this current strange unfolding series of events. In my discussions with him, I also unearthed some interesting information. We went out on a book crawl a long, long time ago. And apparently even then he was teseting the waters to see if I was interested. What I find amusing though is that he couldn't read me. From the mouth of: "I give great relationship advice, and can read just about anyone," I was an enigma. He apparently walked away totally confused. Until of course my then boyfriend rang me up, and then it became abundantly clear to him.
What I also find interesting though is that he remembers exactly the moment when that happened, and even has vague recollections about the context of that phone conversation.
What I must realise though, is that even though that was the case, it doesn't really change anything. That was the thing that I discovered last night. That no matter how many lines we cross, how far we go, it doesn't change anything. No matter what we do, my status inevitably is still single in his eyes. What can I do with this knowledge?
He once pointed out that we constantly seem to hover between a friendship and a relationship. On one hand, we are simply friends. But, on the other, well, we've been there before, and we can quite easily fall back into the bf/gf category. But tell me, how can you hold a girl's hand, and not have that equate to something more? The physical tension at times can be so unbearable. And then we tense and bend. Sideways. And suddenly we're acting like a couple. Right now I can't even remember the justification for why I was going to hold back and refuse his advances.
I can't play this game, I don't know how. It's obvious that he's interested. But he does nothing about it. I can sit here and try to be patient. And I can sit here and try and average out my reactions. But it doesn't stop this situation from being confusing. And then when I sit here and try and sort out another potential, there he is giving me constructive advice (even though I asked for it). He shows no signs that he's upset that I've got other people, or that I may in fact be interestd in other people. See, if it was me, no matter the rationale - that I hadn't made up my mind, that we had agreed that we were essentially beholden to no one - I'd still be insanely jealous and possessive. Yet he makes no outward shows of this. And even though he has no right to cage me in, he still tells me that I have every right to spend his time.
How does that work then? I know that there is no magic soluation. That there will never be one but 'time.' I also know that there probably isn't anything in this relationship at all. Because every time he comments on how nice things are, I don't see it. The signals he gives out dictate how I act, think and feel. Yet so often I am never sure what is expected of me. I can't dismiss him, but I don't need to make him "numba wan" either.
I needed to know yesterday how much he had missed me. What I hadn't expeted though was for him to ask me the same question. Do you even have the right to ask? But I couldn't exactly say no. Because that would be the end of this. And while it is true that I miss you, I don't really have to, or am even required to to tell you my inner thoughts and feelings and that I do in fact miss you. Very much. Nothing in our agreement specifies that you need to know anything about me at all. If I was doing this the right way, you're basically on a "need to know" basis.
Gah....
..and tell me, what on earth does this mean??
Sport? Politics? Fashion? Gossip? Pick any topic, so long as it is shallow. Do try, though, to avoid questions that none of us can answer or facts that none of us wants to face. It would be very rude and anti-social to draw people's attention to those. We all like to talk about the need to recognise reality but reality, er... in reality, is something none of us really likes to look at. Fantasy is invariably preferable and the best pretence of all is the illusion that we are under no illusion! Something true and important is now being communicated. Listen, learn and be honest in your reply. It could yet change everything.
I give up..
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:09 am
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