Confusing Butterfly
I don't want to sound like a broken record.
I know that there is nothing that you can do to help me, that it's all up to me.
I know that I am tempermental.
I know that I have mood swings. Major mood swings.
I know that I want to try with you, if only because I know that you will give me the time of my life.You can disarm me with a touch.A single touch sends shivers through me like nothing I've ever experienced before. You seem to find all the right places like you knew they were there to begin with.
It's not that we're fighting, it's just that I see the dynamic between us shift and grow and change.
I'm scared.
Am I really scared?
Last night I slept with you. Three times. I don't know what that means.
I've never done this before.
You told me tonight that I have the same effect on you. You told me that you see how I sometimes like you despite my not wanting to, that I can't seem to have any control of my actions.
You told me that you liked everything about me. That there was nothing of me that you didn't like.
Maybe I'm still in shock.
And in some ways, yesterday came too quickly.
Sometimes, I don't really know how to be a girl. I let you off too easily.My threshold is too large. And then when I realise I've let you off the hook on something that perhaps I shouldn't have, then I manufacture the angst in order to even the score. Except of course, that we know that's cheating. and it messes stuff up.How can you like me so much?I remember watching 'a mirror with two faces' and one of the actors commenting that he dated girls younger him than twice his age, not because of their intellect, but because of their physical attributes. I guess that line stuck with me, and I can't seem to comprehend why or how I manage to get hold of you.
I can't imagine what my friends will say when they meet you - should they meet you.
You are not physically attractive. In any sense. You are slightly overweight, you are 34, you are a man. You're balding for crying out loud. Why am I there with you? Why am I here with you?I'm young, in the prime of my life, why am I here? Because no one else recognises my potential? No one sees and treats me the way you do? That's not really a fair way to deal with this though, is it?And while your answer is correct, that you will accept my decision (to keep you or not) either way, it strangely doesn't put me at ease.I berate myself for throwing myself at you, especially when I can't give you the right answers. And you ask me why, because you are constantly throwing yourself at me.
Tell me - what are we doing with ourselves?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:27 pm
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