Pondering Butterfly
Sometimes things get complicated so quickly it's hard to keep track of the changes.There are surreal moments where you don't realise what is going on until after it has happened. Situations where you'd never believe that you would ever, *ever* be in that situation, and then suddenly you're there and experiencing it all. And part of your mind wonders if this is in fact real, if what you are experiencing is actually happening to you.
Last night was like that.
Does it change anything? I don't know. Does it complicate things? Maybe.
To be honest, I don't really know what I feel about him. This one has so many strikes against him - the worst being, how much interest do I really have in him? How much is just flattery that he would be interested - a grown man - as opposed to anything that I myself feel? Crushes come and go, and I've never had a single crush that came out into something real on the other side. Yet here we are.
And like my cousin surmised, you really are genuine and serious about this. You said yourself that if this was going to fall - it wasn't going to be on account of you. If anyone was going to break anyone's heart, it was going to be me breaking yours. I'm fairly certain that is true.
Yet when I look inside myself to find that part of me that says whether I like you or not - I can't find it. Like we discussed last night, we would never have picked it - us, to ever be interested in each other.
You tell me that you grew a sudden fondness for me that progressed over time. That you had always thought that I was pretty. And perhaps you had always assumed that I was shy and quiet. Yet I surprised you when I came in day after day, and you began to find that you in fact, liked me. I got the distinct feeling that you were falling for me. You said to me last night that you never expected to feel this way again. To feel head over heels. And that the emotion surprised you by it's intensity.
And when you ask me what I think and feel about you - I can't respond in kind. Maybe I've been so thrashed by the last one that I'm just about all bleached out. I'm empty inside. And when you offer me this, I'll take it, if only to remember what it feels like to be alive.
But I dare not tell you all these truths. You joke about the "little girl inside" but I get the feeling that it's probably more true than not. That deep inside you really are just a vulnerable, insecure little boy covered up in layers of age, experience and cynicsm. Your gentlemanly calm exterior belies the inner turmoil of a boy afraid of rejection, but old enough to accept things as they come.
We have progressed further and faster than we ever anticipated. And I will see you again today to go to that music concert. Maybe this will cement what it will be like between us. I'm not sure. Family is not happy - as per usual. If my mother had it her way I'd be locked up in this house until I was 30. And then shunted off into a marriage where she'd be living with us. *shakes head* So many things that I want to do are met with barriers imposed by family, upbringing, culture and tradition. And in doing so, some of those things become ingrained in me, making it difficult for me to go about my life, when I have to fight not only the family and it's restrictions, but also the conflict found in my own inner turmoil. ...does that sentence even make sense?
Maybe part of the issues surrounding last night and our current situation is that I'm still in shock. Why would anyone of your age be interested in me? What do I really bring to the table other than my physical attributes? I know I can hold intelligent conversation, but really now, surely a 12 year gap has its limits? Maybe it's just the shock of having someone interested that you never in a thousand years believed they would be. And in doing so, while once you were settled into believing that no matter what you did or thought, that you were safe from 'harm', suddenly it isn't the case at all. And that's what's so shocking and suprising. ...and I guess it isn't helped when I've just come out of six months of emotional angst.
I guess you offer some calm comfort from the storm. I dare say that I'm high maintenance, but I also acknowledge that you've done everything right so far, and I see no reason to make demands on you - because you meet them all before I've even laid down the foundations.
I don't really know what to do or where to go on all of this. I've been trying to turn this situation around in my head, checking it for flaws, and trying to find all its secrets, just like a jeweller inspecting a diamond in the light. Turning it this way and that, trying to understand what he has in his possession.
...Or maybe it's all down to just one word: try.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:34 am
1 Comments:
Sometimes we lose track of time and its changes that when we look back it seems like life has worked itself into a fine tangled mess.
Yet messy as it seems, i guess maybe some would say it's what makes life so interesting. But who's to untangle the mess? Hmm... maybe it's like what you say that it boils down to one word: try.
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