Troubling Butterfly
I'm talking to you online. But I can't tell you the truth because it won't help the situation any. So I'm typing it out here.I can tell you honestly that this situation sucks. That even though I have other guys interested in me, they won't work for various reasons. And in me telling you about it, part of it is in hope that you will twinges of jealousy and realise what you're missing out on. But I can't tell you that. I can't ask if you feel threatened by these guys. And you won't tell me. Your little sms smile only tells me that you are ok with it.
And as you point out that I seem pretty normal to you, what you don't realise is that it took me a long time to get here. But there's no point telling you that either. Because that will deflate everything that we've worked for up until now. The tenacious place that we are in now could all fall apart the minute I start getting upset and accusing you again. Do you see the double edged sword that I am walking upon? Do you see??
It hurts to me to know that you don't seem to care. Whether you do or not, you will never show it to me. ANd to be honest, no matter what I say about us being in a relationship, well, I wouldn't jump straight in anyway. I need to be 100% sure. And even though if I said yes, I would know that you were in fact 100%, I'd still be a little wary, and want to suss the situation out. Just because we tell each other how perfect we are for each other, it doesn't mean that is in fact the case. I have no clue how compatible we truly are. And as I kind've realised this afternoon, perhaps we might not be at all.
Which is why I questioned whether I really wanted to be in a committed relationship, which would be where we'd be heading if you said yes to me.
On top of that, I could relate to where you are. ANd I can understand if you feel like not committing. I am not the easy type. I know I am high maintenance. I would try to be easy, but last time that resulted in my heart getting broken by you. So I think I'll stick with my flaws.
I am constantly amazed at how many feelings I have to throw under the rug because of you. Right now all I want to do is rage and rage against you. I want to tell you that I want you to care. I want you to tell me that you are jealous of my other male interests, and that you wish you could keep me. I don't want your rational 'i'm not holding you to anything' crap. I don't need you to be the bigger person. I want to see the real you.
But we're talking online. And this conversation is wasted online. I see nothing. Everything is open to interpretation and misunderstanding.
I'm a little hurt ny you and very tempted to just leave and go offline (but I can't bring myself to).
And then you message me to tell me that you've been signed out by msn by your brother which means you won't be able to talk to me anymore.
I hate you.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 8:40 pm
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