Pretending Butterfly
...today is not turning out to be a good day.
I'm not cut out for this place. Usually it's all good and fine. But today, I am yet again reminded that I should put up a bluff exterior and pretend that nothing can rock me. Because I am stupid and young and should stop feeling so vulnerable here.
I wish there were a set of guidelines you had to follow in order to go through life. This is how you act when people say this. This is where you stand, and this is what you do. I wish that I had a set of lines that I had to memorise, and that was it. If only life was like a movie. You would go through rehearsals. You could understand why people felt the way they did and that nothing was ever personal.
I wish that I could go through life knowing what was expected of me, and constantly do the right thing. Unfortunately for me, life isn't that way. It's unpredictable, full of ups and downs, miscommunications, and everything can at some level be construed as personal.
I just wish I could give out the right persona, the one that everyone wants and needs and likes, and leave it at that. I can't be myself anymore. Sometimes I wonder if in fact I ever knew who I really was anyway. The only person I can be myself with, well one of the few that I can, was you. And so often lately I notice I can't be myself with you either. The person that I pretend to be, in order to survive is the not the person I am.
I try so hard to pretend that nothing matters to me. I try so hard to laugh it all off. When inside I'm just hurting. Like a line from a movie, "i don't know when i can stop pretending".
where does the old me get off and the real me come onboard? the person that you want me to be, i can't be. all i want to do is rage against you. but i can't do that. because if i do that, i push you away. but if i don't pressurise all of this, i make it too complicated. i can't handle this for much longer. not in this volatile state that i'm in at present.
i know that in order for this to work out to whatever it is, i have to give some semblance of normalcy. i have to give you the overall average temperature of my sensibilities. so i try to hold back. i try to stay away when i'm angry and upset and hurt because it doesn't help the situation, and it won't change anything. if anything, it may make you more confused and convinced that this isn't working. but when i hold it all back, sometimes it's like trying to hold back the tide.
i want to sit down and talk to you today. i want to sit in front of you and try and tell you how i feel. even though i know that it won't help anything. even though that i know there are no conclusions. even though i know that you won't tell me anything that i don't already know, and even though after i walk away it will all be the same as before.
the best thing to do is move on. but the days come and go when i want to know. when i struggle, when i feel volatile and wish that you would show me more than you do. i know that this is difficult for you. i know that you don't like not knowing either. and i know that in order to get 'there' we have to go through 'here' first. but i can't help it. i can't help wanting to know. i hate being blocked out. and even though it's not really being blocked out, i no longer want to know. see the paradoxical liar that i am?
i don't want to hear that you don't want me. i know that means that i'm just in denial. but i've just had enough of you saying no to me. i'm trying hard to be the one that's hard to get. i'm trying hard to play the game. i'm trying hard to be everything that you want. but i can't do it.
i'm just me.
but i can't face up to failure yet. i don't want to be the living cliche of two ships passing in the night. where both parties want each other, but due to character flaws, personality clashes or simple bad circumstance, it doesn't work out. i don't want you to philosophise it out. i want feeling. i want emotion. i want chaos and love in tandem. i don't want you to sit back and rationalise and try and sort it all out.
i just want to sit and rage at you. rage and rage and rage...
the only contact i have with you these days is either through msn or sms. i've used up all my phone credits. and most likely the friday thing will fall through. and it will be close to two weeks since i saw you last. do you go through withdrawls? do i in fact matter to you?
i have to close myself off to you in order to survive, in order to not rage. i need to be handled with kid gloves, but i'm not. so that means that i have to pretend that i'm not as fragile as i really am. i have to pretend that i am strong. i have to pretend that nothing matters. and deep inside, it's killing me to have to pretend.
we so often waver on the precipice. we so often cling on desperately in hope of salvation. and call it an essential flaw of the mortal makeup, but i'm hoping that i don't fail. no matter what they say that failure is character building, i don't want to face it. i don't want to become a stronger person. i just want to be me, and to be loved and desired. maybe i am just a spoilt little girl asking for more candy because all i really want is that complacent 'semi-charmed life' and be done with it.
this pretending is killing me.
this illusion of insensitivity is wearing.
i'm going to break soon. and one day you may find yourself on the tail end of violence without a clue from where it came from.
i don't know what to do anymore - not that i ever knew what to do in the first place.
how to deal with all this, how to survive without falling apart, i will never know.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:57 am
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