At the Edge of the Abyss

Mixed Butterfly

How to put it tonight? I feel strangely mixed about everything. If there is one thing that I have always noticed with him is that I am always comfortable with him. There are pretences that I do not have to show when I am around him. There are things that I don't necessarily have to explain, or perhaps there are just moments when I can let go a little and be myself. I don't know how to explain what we are. I guess you could say that we are friends. When honestly we just work together. You are my senior. And as you pointed out to me the other night, I am the youngest in the group. While you are, as I discovered tonight, 34.

What interest would you ever have in me? What would we ever have in common? There are no defining moments. I am certain that you have had better relationships with people, and that you get along ten times better with much of the group than me. We just seem to have this unspoken repartee, that perhaps is the same for everyone. i.e. the repartee that we have, you have with everyone. Maybe what it is you do, is what I constantly strive to do with other people. You are 34. I was a little shocked by that this evening. I guess I always remembered that you were 30 or something. Although when you sit down and think about it, yes, it is a 12 year difference.

I know there is nothing there between us. I know that tonight. Yet you treated me to a night out. I didn't pay a single dime. You were gentlemanly and entertaining. And I feel a twinge that I accidently left the flyer for the Opera that we saw tonight in your car.

There are most likely no things left unspoken between us. We seem to fall into easy silence. Or maybe it's just me. After all, everyone is different. No person is alike, and each individual has their own thoughts and feelings. Therefore, I don't really know what it is going on inside your head. And I'm starting to believe that perhaps I play hard to get more naturally than I know. I never seem to show the people that I'm curious about where I stand, instead pursuing a fairly neutral 'friend' position, where it's up to you to make the move. Because I don't think I will make it.

Do you feel a slight change in the air? I thought perhaps you did, and I wondered a few times when I walked ahead, or when I looked elsewhere if you looked askance at me. What is it that you truly think about me? Do you think that I'm a wonderful analyst like most of the people seem to have deluded themselves into thinking?

Perhaps you were after something more tonight, but discovered that there was no chemistry between us? Chemistry is a funny thing. And while I admit that lately it seems like I strike all that come within contact, I have had a few misses. And if that's the case between the two of us, well I can't help but feel a little disappointed. Big egos, and all that.

But honestly, do you in fact feel anything at all? Did I make an impact on you? What do you think of me? The fact that I shared champagne with you, the fact that I sipped out of your glass during dinner, albeit on your urging; the two times that you put your hand on my back to guide me - once to get out of a car's way, and once in jest over a verbal joke. What am I to you? A protege of sorts? Someone to watch over? Someone who you can jest with, who can take a joke and will laugh at most of yours? Someone who is just fun to spend time with? I overheard a conversation you had once where you commented that you wanted someone close to your age. Younger, most likely late 20s. That means I'm out.

Maybe it's just that I don't have control over you, and I don't know what I did wrong. Maybe it's just that I don't know what it is I need to do in order to have you. Because I'm a big spoilt girl who wants every man twisted around her little finger. Someone who just wants people to be infatuated with them. And when it comes to things like chemistry, well, there's nothing you can really do about it. Either you click, or you don't. And with you, it's sometimes quite hard to define what in fact we are. Work colleagues - definately. Friends? Perhaps. A half father figure? Maybe. An older brotherly figure. Possible. We've known each other for two years and things never got anywhere. You were always just someone I could joke around with. A person that I could banter with.

But since I got back, well, things have sort've shifted. Maybe it's because I'm free again and I don't have to dismiss all males who come within my vicinity. Maybe it's because I am more willing to say yes to company functions. And in doing so, I become more involved in the group, so obviously you will get to know me more/better than you used to when I only came in 1, 2, 3 days a week.

I've seen you dismiss me out of hand, and I've also seen the threads you have with the other people in the company. So perhaps you are simply a social person. A friendly, social person.

To be honest, if you ask me where I stand on all this, I don't really know. I dislike the idea of having to put you through emotional turmoil if you ask me to progress. But of course, common sense also decrees that you should never have relationships (of that nature) with your work mates. It's just a bad idea. Different department, sure. Same company, go ahead. Desk neighbours? Forget about it.

I guess what I'm trying to get at tonight, is to sort out my feelings for you. You never said anything about me or my appearance, other than to comment that I had on a very pretty dress. And perhaps I did a faux pas earlier by talking about my "then" boyfriend, instead of my "ex". Perhaps I shouldn't have told that story at all. And who knows if you caught the 'then'. But you put your hand on my back after dinner, not before. But you also decided for us not to go to drinks after the Opera. And every time you treat me, you have an excuse.

You shouted me to the Opera to 'make up' for all the food you continually scab off me. You treat me to dinner tonight because my mother treated you to dinner the other night. Dinner cost over 100. I know the Opera tickets cost close to 100 each. Tonight was expensive...

I know I shouldn't make much of the physical contact. Or the drinking. I wonder though if you were surprised that I drank - even a little. I know that sharing drinks is no major thing for you. I also know that I was fairly passive tonight. But it was a strange passivity. Everything seemed to work ok. Like clockwork in some sense. It didn't really bother me that you weren't dressed to the nines. It didn't faze me that you didn't offer me a jacket when I was shivering (most likely because for the short while that I was shivering, you were busy talking with someone else). I didn't care that you wandered off to the bathroom and left me on my own. The way you told me left me quite comfortable to wait. And of course, you come back finding me finishing putting my phone away. Perhaps you think that I am tied too closely to my mother's apron strings? Or maybe you feel that I am too young?

Everything tonight just seemed so natural. It all seemed to flow quite nicely. Despite you crashing into an old family friend. I noticed that you only introduced me by name, and never said anything else. Do you know that I'm scared to make the first move? Do you know why I am probably more forward with the other people than you? And why I organised a small lunch but didn't invite you? Because you are senior to me. I don't feel like I have any jurisdiction over you. Do you see yourself above me too? Do you sense that imaginary hierarchy?

Did you notice that I was fairly quiet while you chatted happily with your family friend. I was the epitome of a shy girl standing by your side. Do you notice sometimes as I walk that I accidently bump into you? Because that's what happens when you walk with people and you turn towards them.

Do you have recollections of me awkwardly hugging you goodbye on the dance floor that evening at the Christmas party? And how I wanted to give you a full body hug, but of course everyone here goes for the kiss on the cheek first. And I scrambled away embarressed because when you went for the kiss, I went for the hug. And when you realised I was going for the hug, I had moved slightly away to go for the kiss. And then I just fled. Of course you were also most likely on a fair buzz. I overheard others commenting that you were drunk that evening. I'm never a good spotter of drunks. Especially of people I know. I know that I'm most likely too naieve and innocent for words.

I know that I move in different circles to you and your friends. I also noticed for once that you let me go first in just about all of the doorways, and that you muttered that you felt quite underdressed in comparison to my long black dress. And I tried my best to be elegant. Perhaps you felt awkward around me. Perhaps I awakened something in you? Or perhaps I am just doing wishful thinking, because my ego demands that all males must fawn at my feet and feed me grapes and fan me.

It was just strange to see how elements of a date emerged from tonight. Maybe all those elements were, were simply gentlemanly behaviour. Because you did nothing untoward with me. Despite my mind straying a few times. In many ways, it was in fact quite platonic.

Perhaps it's simply that I've been dealing one-on-one with you for close to seven days straight, if not more. And you have been driving me home for three days in a row. Hell, you would have driven me to work this morning too if you had rung earlier.

You've been in my house, you've met my family. You've treated me to a night out. You've spent serious money on me. How do I read this? I haven't told anyone that we went out tonight. And by that I mean, I haven't told anyone at work. There are sometimes when I sense a distance between us. And there are times when I wonder if you are tolerating my company. But most of the time it seems comfortable. Maybe we are just alike in some ways that we deal with people with the same goal - to make them feel at ease. And insulting each other is a nice way to do this. Although of course, you let me get away with most of the barbs, as good gentleman should. Not that you don't get your own ribbing in every once in a while. Maybe I am one of the few who play up to your game, and am willing to be played in that sense.

Have you noticed that I smile at you more often these days? And we both automatically smiled at each other when I walked back into the office in my dress and hair all dolled up in curls.

What is it that you think of me I wonder? Not that I will ever ask. And most likely we will never breach the subject. I think I know already: that we are just good work mates. But it still surprises me though to have you take me out to dinner. Although of course, it's very ungentlemanly to ask a girl out to the Opera and expect her to pay for any of the evening. That's the sacrifice you make. And I know that you are a nice guy. And hopefully you know that I am a very sweet girl. Or maybe this is a quiet way of saying thank you. Or maybe your actions just go with the territory. Although I notice you trying to make connections with me.

Your offer to help me go through my photos to show your curator brother; your comment that you like some country music after I made deprecating comments about my texas-influenced music choices; and of course it's always nice to hear you make references to my cultural background. It puts me more at ease, which is strange to say, but true to form. And that comment the other day that you should sit down with my brother and make talk with him, was very sweet. Although I never acknowledged it.

I wonder sometimes if I'm a hard person to know. If perhaps my outside persona is so difficult to read. And whether I am in fact quite guarded about my personal life. I can be quite open - all you need to do is ask. But I will also just as likely be on the offensive, depending on my mood. Come to think of it, I wouldn't be suprised if I constantly was on the defensive. And it only takes one foul sweep to bring it all down. It seems like it was with the last one.

But of course, this is all just speculation on my part. Because I'm not going to do anything about you. Other than wonder of course. I just find it refreshing to see someone who appears to be 100% gentlemanly. I did nothing to you tonight. If I did let anything show, perhaps it may have been too subtle. I don't know. I wonder if you notice.

Our dynamics changed a long time ago. From the moment you got the managerial position and you gave me opportunities to do work, I automatically put down the extra respect. And even though you no longer hold that position, some of my respect is still there. Because you're still 'senior' analyst to my analyst. And then after I sent that missive about you being great and wonderful etc, perhaps things changed again. I'm not really sure. Although I do know that you fought for me - although it's hard to believe when you consider that the current boss has a sales background. And you should never believe anyone in sales...

I wonder if tonight will change anything between us. most likely not if I consider that technically thursday was a turning point too. yet friday we acted no different. and we won't see each other now anyway, until monday. to which point whatever perhaps could grow tonight will have time to die by monday.

Perhaps I should just notch up tonight to having a really good night out, and leave it at that. One exception to the rule. Because I doubt he'll ever spend $300 on me again :P One-offs are different to continual occurances. And he has his week off for annual leave after the 26. Maybe the week will cool things down. And I didn't exactly make any indications that I was really interested. After all, all I said was that I had a lovely time. And lots of thank yous, of course. But I didn't exactly go, 'we should do this again sometime' or something to that extent.

After all, I doubt very much that you have any true intentions or anything. I'm not really sure where you're at. And anyway, I'm not 100% sure anyway. So if you're looking for signals from me, most likely you won't find very many. Of course the other thing to consider is that he's friendly with everyone. I'm not the first of his work colleagues that he's met the parents of. One of the other girls that he got along with like a house on fire, he went with her and her mum to a concert and dinner also. So perhaps I am thinking too much.

Actually, maybe I will ask one day. I'm not suspicious or piqued enough to put him on the spot and jokingly ask him if he treats everyone that nicely. But I may well one day if this continues. I've already started the flirting, 'are you trying to get rid of me/I'm not bad company' lines. The little good it does me. Sometimes I think that my attempts at flirting are very pathetic.

*sigh*

I'm talking it over with a friend on msn right now. I think I'll stop this and just post it up for now and add to it later. I could go around in circles for hours on this one.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:57 am