Dishonest Butterfly
Into this night I wander
It's morning that I dread
Another day of knowing of
The path I fear to tread
Oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
Nothing stands between us here
And I won't be denied
Sarah McLachlan ~ Possession
~ * ~
What is my true take on this situation anyway? Do I really know what I want?
What happens if/when he says to me, "I'd like for us to progress?' I have to cool this down. As racy as this morning was, it can't last. And in a way I don't want it to last.
Take it back a notch, and remain freidns. I can't think clearly right now, and that's not a good thing. If it's my sanity that's holding this together, then the minute my judgement gets clouded by these opiate clouds of desire, we're in big trouble.
I want this to work out properly, and in order to do that I need perspective.
It isn't enough that he's asking for me. I need to make him work for me, and I need to have made a deep impression. Enough like a drug to keep him here, but it can't be sex or insinuations of. That won't do at all. I need to be 100% sure that he is genuine. Knowing me though, if this works out I may still turn it around to prolong the purgatory.
I'm not 100% sure on how this is working out yet. I still need to give it time. I need to be sure. And I have to make sure that our conversations are not all insinuations and endearments. I've been given a seond chance in a sense to set/get this right. Gut instinct and not impulsive desires is what's needed to get through this. To just get on by.
Honestly though, be 100% honest with yourself. Do you really want a relationship? Or will the enticement of many events and activities combined with the knowledge that I can accept my offers without qualms and the ability to flirt with all and sundry prevent me from making a commitment with him?
Can I ask him to examine himself properly to be sure? If he asks or whatever, can I give him a raincheck? Am i allowed to ask him to wait? After all, if he did it to me, can't i do the same?
It's just that I'm just starting to settle down and enjoy the single life. Can I truly commit to him if he so asks?
Knowing that he won't and battering against the hardened impossibilities is one thing. Battering against a weakening wall is another.
What am I going to do with us? What's going to happen to us? I guess we remain unchanged. I don't ask for your time and you live your life. Until the day you truly come to me with no strings attached, pure want and need as opposed to will-weakening desire, I can't say yes. You basically have to give me all the right answers. And my luck can't be that good this month, can it?
February's coming up too. What happens then?
I honestly don't know if I'm ready for a relationship. I only just got out of a serious one. Am I truly ready for all of this?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 3:08 pm
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