Cringeing Butterfly
So I've been thinking. The nice thing about astrology is that the forecasts are both vague and specific. Vague enough to be adaptable to any circumstance, yet specific enough to provide often useful/helpful advice for the situation at hand.I've been rethinking this weekend's forecast, and it seems to me, perhaps what it's really saying is in relation to last night. And the thing that is really helpful is knowing that you care enough to make sure that I'm alright.
There's just one tiny catch. I'm going to work today (yep, last overtime weekend) and I suddenly felt right down foolish. Why did I have to go and open myself up to you like that? You don't need to know how I really think and feel about all my potentials. Hell, you're technically a potential yourself.
I just don't want to open up and be vulnerable to you anymore than I have to. And maybe I am starting to reassert myself again. Hopefully. I'd like to think that I'm starting to remember what I had told myself a week ago about refusing anything from you until you'd made up your mind.
See, as much as I'll have to remind myself this evening that my coworker is NOT interested in me, I also have to remind myself that YOU are not interested in me. And seriously, you're not. If you were, you wouldn't be hedging so long.
So let's just all forget about it and move on our lives.
If only that were as easy as it sounds. If I could just dole things out like that with the typing of a few sentences, I'd be the next Bill Gates.
See, I think part of the reason why I'm a little 'agggh' over telling you stuff last night, is that now you know the true status of things. And the whole point of telling you about him in the first place was that I wanted to see if I could push a few jealousy buttons. Which I managed to defuse last night, after commenting that I was pretty sure the Opera would be sung in English. To which you dismissed the entire thing as, "well then, it's not a date. If Opera's sung in English, it's not a date." Ok. Except now that as much as you've reassured me, you've also managed to reassure yourself that perhaps no one's really interested or wanting me.
You don't fight for me, not really. I know you're terrified or rejection, but honestly. Am I really that bad? And yet again I fluctuate.
*sigh*
Best to keep away. You told me to ring you today. I'm not going to I don't think. I didn't even mean to talk to you last night. I was in a mood last night.
Sometimes I think half the time I revel in this disastrous relationship only because I know that it will never be. And therefore, I can let go and scream and rage and cry and it won't matter. Because nothing I can do can sway you. And at the end of the day, I'm actually technically safe from ever being truly emotionally stripped and hurt. Because at the end of the day, essentially I'm always the one in control. I say when I can be emotional, and I can change the degree of intensity in my emotional outpouring. Does that even make sense? I'm using you to explore my emotional vulnerabilities. Because I know that no matter what I do, I won't ever have to face the day when my imaginings of a fantasy relationship will ever come into being. It's too much hard work. Too many expectations. Too many rooms for failure and so many ditches and things to fall into.
Better to be on my own, and sometimes use this quasi-safe relationship to experiment on what it would be *really* like.
As much as my coworker is willing to dismiss me as a potential relationship, you are TWICE as likely to do the same. In fact, between the two of you, you are most likely to stuff around and hurt me. Because unlike my coworker, things have been said between the two of us. Whereas, my work colleague - well, that's just all in my head.
Sometimes it just seems that knowing you is like a double-edged sword. Having a friend who will be there for me, and who cares about me. But also having someone who could be so much more if he really loved me enough.
And the other part of it is, well, so what if I spilled my guts out to you last night? And showed you the angsty relationship side of my persona? You don't really take it seriously. We all know that when we give people advice, we make judgements about that person. We just don't tell them, and we don't show them. Instead we lie, and say, 'of course, I understand, how dare he' and we pretend that whatever wavelength you are on, we are on too. And that nothing you say could ever be stupid or silly. Because we don't want to antagonise you anymore than you already are. So essentially I let myself be open to a plethora of issues last night. Some of which, in the light of an overcast humid day, I don't want to deal with.
Let's hope next time I go through one of those mini phases that I will be able to hold back and not tell you anything. I don't want to let you in. Because there's nothing more in this relationship. If only I could actually kick you out of my life. If only it were so easy...
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:49 am
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