Lobbying Butterfly
Sometimes it's funny how things go. How things come together, and how things fall apart.The second ex is officially the second ex.
And the next one moves up on the line.
So many things work against you. The biggest being work. There are issues with us that surpass so much. The age, perhaps not so much. But the biggest is work. Professional versus Personal. You are senior to me, and the work team will raise eyebrows, I can guarantee you.
I don't know why I am considering you. You are in fact quite sweet, more sweet than I ever imagined. You whisper such sweet nothings to me. Your kisses melt me and send butterfly after butterfly down the abyss. Your touch makes those butterflies resurface and generate such heat and electricty between us. How does that work? If I don't find you physically attractive, then how can you move such tension and physical arousal in me? And it's not even to jump you. It's simply that thosekisses send tendrils of desire through my veins. Yesterday when you kissed me, it sent me into a paroxysm of shivers. Twice.
Will January 26 officially become the day this all began? Your sms tonight, your official condonement of us, and admission to allowing me to break your heart, makes me smile. And I guess you are old enough to handle me. More than handle me. I doubt I have the ability to mess with your head. So that's good for me. And while you sounded surprised this evening when I said that part of your appeal was that I felt you were stable, I can't help but feel that is true. Like you said the other day, if only in jest, you are normal to my complex and complicated nature.
I admit to overthinking. I admit to over analysing. I amit to it all. I can't change any of it. And while I don't want to drag you along in any means, perhaps I should just heed my cousin's advice and just 'try'. Mum's not 100% thrilled about it - understandably. I'm risking a lot, after only just starting out my career at work.
But I can't explain this initricable feeling that you bring up inside me. It's not even desire half the time. It's not love. It's not even care. We have known each other for quite a while. We get along. We do. We always have. We joke, back and forth and never stop. So being around you is totally comfortable.
Surprisngly though you said to me this evening that I was beautiful. And that you had never noticed it before. You seemed a bit surprised. You ended up surmising that it was probably because you'd always just seen me as someone you worked with, and the context always changes things.
I can still sit back and settle, and go, 'you don't attract me physically'. But you are a nice guy. And you treat me so well. And you kiss so well that you distract me and send all my thoughts off into the ether to dispell into the atmosphere.
You are in effect a kind of lifeboat. Something to hold my head up above the water as I faced the reality last night when the 2nd ex effectively told me that it wasn't going to work. So that relationship is over. The book is closed (or should be), and I hope that it remains so. I don't need any more complications on top of this. He's let me go, and hopefully he won't be selfish anymore, and just let me live my life.
So my work colleague and I are going to have dinner tomorrow night after celebrating a fellow workmate's birthday with drinks at the pub.
Meanwhile, I'm watching the last of Federah versus Safin. My god, this is what good tennis is all about. I was supposed to go to bed early tonight, but this game is keeping me up after midnight. It's amazing tennis...
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 12:16 pm
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