Readying Butterfly
Things to discuss/talk about on Wednesday:1. What do you want from us?
- Well I want you in my life, even though I know that that sentence alone doesn't mean much. I know that you don't want us just to be friends.
2. Have you prepared yourself in any way for this to all fall apart?
- I will accept anything that you decide. I just want you to be happy. Truly happy. And if that means we can't be friends, then I'll do it because I hate what I've put you through.
3. Do you actually care that I'm keeping my options open, or that I may in fact be interested in the likes of my work colleagues?
- I have no say in who you like. This is the reality, be it technically or just in general. I can't make you do something you don't want to do.
4. But aren't you jealous, not even a little?
- I have no right to be.
5. Is it even possible for us to ever be more than friends?
- I don't think that we can be more, as much as I'd like to be more. All we seem to do is kill each other, even when we're not trying to. We're just too different. We go about things in different ways. You want to constantly deconstruct everything and analyse it to pieces. I already told you the other night why I can't do that. I can't go back there. We're just too fundamentally different. It's not that maybe we can't be together, it's just that it's a lot of hard work. And maybe I don't want this enough to try so hard. There's something inside that just can't do it. And I can't explain why.
6. Is it that you're terrified that I'm going to break you?
7. How do you define caring about me anyway?
- I care about you A LOT. I just want you to be happy, and I spend so long just hoping and worrying that you will be ok. Because I don't want to hurt you again. I don't want to be responsible for ruining you anymore than I already have.
8. What is it about me that stops you?
- It's not you, it's me. I hate to use those words, but in this case, it's true. Trust me, if I could tell you what it is that's stopping me, we wouldn't be in this situation. You're smart, beautiful, funny, there's nothing there that any guy wouldn't say yes to. I just can't explain it, why I can't commit the way you want me to.
9. Is it that all your previous ex's hurt you so badly that you're scared of getting hurt?
10. Do you feel that perhaps if we were serious about being together, that it would have to be extra serious? So serious in fact, that you aren't 100% sure you're ready for it?
11. Is it just that you honestly enjoy the single life these days?
12. Is it that you worry that if we do this, you will find a way to stuff it up unintentionally and you will never forgive yourself for it?
~~~
Sometimes I just think that I don't need you in order to survive. I really don't. I think I got over that a long time ago. Maybe the truth of it is, I don't understand where you are at. Maybe it's just that I've forgotten all about you. And in my earlier wallowing, it's just easier to return to the nest and relive feelings that I used to feel, the antagonism that I used to harbour against you is so close at hand to use. Maybe that's all it is. I don't know.
I think, perhaps it's time to let you go. Honestly, right now I don't really need to talk to you. It doesn't really bother me whether you speak to me on Wednesday or not. It really doesn't. Although you sounded so desperate and vulnerable. But I guarantee that you wont be like that when I talk to you on Wednesday.
It's just, sometimes I wonder if the feelings I swear black and blue I feel for you are in fact true. How much of it is self-manifested? How much of it is me going, 'this is the way I should be feeling about you'? How much of it is emotion, and how much is it my head playing games with my heart? How much of it is ego? My pride that, 'how dare you turn me down? When I am so much better than you in all number of ways?'
I shall ponder on this and come back to the question. After all, we will not be around each other (his request) until Wednesday. He wants space and time to cool down. Honestly, I don't. Or at the very least, not today. I had a really good day. Followed by a very entertaining trip home. I wish I could talk to you about it, if only to get your perspective on what a guy means when he says certain things to you. But maybe I should keep that to another post. I'm sure it's confusing enough right now, having two parallel stories running on the same blog. Hard to keep track of which is which... especially with my vague namings... all, 'him, he, you, it...'
*wanders off to do other things*
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:13 pm
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