Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Upsetting Butterfly

10:33

Damn you and your stupid migraines. I don't care if they're true or not. I don't care if you're in so much pain that you can't walk. I'm furious, and half the time I can't explain why. Maybe it's just because even though I say I'm over you, every time you imply that you miss me, you stuff it up. And then I feel so stupid and god damn foolish.

I hate that I'm on this rollercoaster. I hate that you sneak up behind me and then make me feel absolutely wretched. And because of the situation that we're in, you aren't required to tell me anything about how you feel about the situation, and I'm not really supposed to be upset with you. And I so am.

I want to cut you out of my life because all that seems to happen is that you promise me something, and then you cut it out. You dangle a little carrot in front of me, and then you take it away. Despite me attempting to ignore it.

We are so through.

I don't care that you tell me "to be fair, I had a raging migraine"

I DON'T CARE.

I honestly, do not care.

*kicks dirt in the ground and stomps foot*

I'm so tempted to spite you and just say that I don't want to see you tomorrow. I don't want to have lunch with you or anything. I don't want to see you. All you do is mess me around. There's nothing in this for me. It's all you.

You asked me yesterday if I would pick you if my Norweigen friend was in the country. I hedged that answer. What you don't realise is that if my Norweigen friend was here, he actually knows what he wants. You can't fight that. You can't beat that. I can't put my faith and trust into you because like today you hurt me. So why the hell should I hang around for something that's not guaranteed when I have something that's staring me in the face?

I don't want to talk to you anymore. I don't want to do anything. I just want to say no to you. I want you to feel the hurt and rejection that you constantly put me through. It's like I'm on one of those windmills and I keep on going around getting my head dunked in cold water. And before I can register anything I'm back up again.

Damn you, you didn't even apologise.

~*~*~*~*~

9:48

"I'm not like all of the other girls,
I can't take it like the other girls
...That you used to know."

Garbage - You Look So Fine

~ * ~

Seriously, I'm not supposed to be upset.
But I so am.

It's not even that I want to rage anymore. I'm just upset, and I want to curl into a little ball and die a quiet little death.

I just tried calling him and he's not answering. Bet he's still asleep.

I'm upset. Really I am. This week's stars said that I will come to a conclusion about something. Maybe my conclusion is that I need him out of my life for good.

I'm really, *really* upset.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I'm upset again and that's not supposed to happen. I'm not supposed to get upset anymore. He only said "might" call, not "will" call.

I went to bed at 9 last night for crying out loud..

In some ways I just don't want to see him. He cancels Monday because he wants to play golf with his best friend. He might not make it today depending on whether he can wake up in time. Even though it's to come in and see me. And he says how he's really keen on seeing me. If he's like this now, I doubt things would improve any should things ever get further along...

He won't come today, I know it. But that's ok. Even though I'm dressed to the nines in his favourite boots.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother so much. Is my pride and ego such that I require to win so badly? I know I'm a sore loser, but still..

I never was that important to begin with. I doubt I will ever be that important to him.

I say this every week. After this week we move away again. This all seems like such a pointless exercise sometimes. To be honest, I wish i didn't have to see him at all. But i can't cancel either. What is it that ties me to this person? What is it that makes me constantly want to go back? I just don't get it.

I'm upset and I can't show it because there's no point showing you my anger and hurt.

You comment that I seem normal. Yes, only because I don't want to show you what i really feel inside. There's no point. there's nothing you can do about it. the only thing you can do about it you can't/won't do.

I want my clarity back, and I don't want to get upset over you anymore. You never show me your true colours. I have visions of us togethr and never a word being spoken about our feelings towards each other.

I don't even want to ask wanymore. There's no point. all it does is get me hurt and upset. What is wrong with me that i can't get an average male to commit to me? what is so wrong with me?

How many truths do we deny ourselves? how many feelings do we pretend not to possess? How many times do we negate our true selves, often time for mediocre or silly reasons?

Is that what I've done with you? Have I deluded myself into thinking/feeling like I don't want or need you in my life? Or are they the only moments of sanity that I possess?

I want my life back without it hingeing on you.

...don't I?

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 8:59 am

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