Violent Butterfly
I'm feeling a little volatile this morning. I was walking to work and I felt the sudden urge to hit something and be irrationally violent. I want you to know that I'm hurting here. That even though I say I am getting over you, and despite my trepidations and awareness that perhaps this is more of an obsession than a true desire to love you, I can't stand that you don't see that there is nothing wrong with our situation. Don't you see what is going on? Can't you see that what you think is alright, is in fact ridiculous?"How do you do it when I’m overwhelmed by a violet sky?"
Third Eye Blind ~ Good Man
Today's stars don't seem to help all that much either.
You don't need to do much. You just need to make sure that what you do do, you do cleverly. Or, to put it another way: to hit your target you really don't need a quiver full of arrows, you just need one, carefully aimed. It's only a lack of
confidence that makes you want to hedge your bets today. Yet you fully understand what's going on, and you ought not to waste time by doubting your own judgement. Pick the right moment, make the right move and you are guaranteed to get the right result.
Tell me, what the hell does that mean? Last night was painful to sit through. It only served to remind me -yet again- that maybe we don't have all that in common over all. yet, I still can't bring myself to force a talk on you. it just seems redundant, and the cycle relentless. the only thing that i can hope for is that you were sulking over my raving of other people. but more likely than not, you simply had a headache, one of your infamous migraines, and you're stressing over finding a job.
I've been listening to my Third Eye Blind cd, and I'm reminded of some lyrics that seem to give a very apt description of your current situation and your defence on all of this:
It’s not easy being me
When I can’t promise I will mend
Or bend when you believeThird Eye Blind ~ Blinded
sometimes i wish i could remember that conversation we had about a month ago when i came down to your house and you told me that you were in fact wanting more. i need to hear that again. well, ok, i'd *like* to hear that again.
truth be told there are days when i don't know what it is i feel about you. everything is so vague. i'm technically single, and it's probably better that i stay that way. for everyone's sake. i continually say to myself that i don't need closure on this thing because i don't want it to turn into a tragedy. one of those stories where both parties agree that they aren't good for each other and walk away feeling a lot better about their actions and no one's truly hurting. well i hurt so much for so long (even if some of it was self-induced) that i don't want you to not hurt. silly isn't it?
And every time that i stay away or hide online i feel petty. i know that my reasons are unjustified. i know that we agreed on stuff and that i shouldn't care. and that everything should pass by in a blur and i should just forget that we ever were anything else than what we in fact were. but truth be told, there are days when i just can't do it. and then i end up feeling volatile. i want to be there in person and yell and scream at your face, and hit you and make you feel what it is i'm feeling. because honestly, it's driving me insane. well, it is and it isn't. i'm tempermental, i know. but right now, i just feel like wanting to force you to face the reality. what the hell is this? why the hell are we here? i don't want to talk to you. and i both want and don't want you to know that you're losing me.
This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous, but if i am to believe my stupid forecast for the month, this is supposed to be a good month for all this stuff. and here you are wasting it. or am i being impatient again?
rgggggghhh...
just give me a vase or something to smash. then i can let loose all the dormant kenetic energy that is driving me slowly up the wall. and then i can return to my peaceful calm, zen-like exterior. well, not so much. like that ever happens. but at the very least i can stop feeling so volatile.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:36 am
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