Illusionary Butterfly
I just got off the phone with him.What am I going to say if you ever ask why I don't go online so much anymore? I could lie and pretend everything's ok, by saying that work is tiring. Or I could tell a half-truth, and say that I wanted to give you time to sort things out, and that lately I don't really know what to say to you anymore. It's easier to let you run the conversation.
Sometimes I wonder if I've always had the wrong approach to love? That I should always try and keep the guy hanging and dangle and fish for the right people. Pretend to be unavailable, and then when they make an effort reward. But then disappear again. Is that the way it goes? Can't I ever just be upfront and tell you most straightforwardly how I think and feel? ..can't I? What's wrong with being upfront? Can't I tell you straight out that I miss you and that I'm dying inside when you insinuate that you're happy on your own?
Guess not.
I'm going slow this time around and playing by ear. I don't know if I'll ever get to that stage where I have to tell you that my feelings for you have died. I don't want to be at the stage where you declare your undying love, and I have to be the one that breaks it off. But I can't bring myself to either. I want to end this, whatever this is. I can start to rub you out of my life. I already have started rubbing you out of my life. I'm trying my damnedest to play hard-to-get. And I'm trying my damnedest to ignore you. As the mantra goes, if you're really interested, you will come.
He told me that it must be some comfort to know that he really wants to see me. I guess. I don't really know what to think, to be honest these days. All I know is that I can't put out anymore. Hopefully the time away has put some clarity into my thinking, and made me realise that perhaps I don't really need you in order to function and survive.
You're coming in this week for lunch with me, that's for certain. I just can't be bothered talking to you online anymore. There's really nothing to say. And to be honest, I do want you to genuinely miss me. I don't want you to take me for granted anymore, which is what I'm so afraid of. If you take me for granted you will hurt me. I'm sick of you saying no to me all the time. And I'm sick of telling you how I feel about this entire situation. I just don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't know how to play all the right cards, or make all the right moves. So i'm just going to leave it. Sleeping dogs lie, leave undisturbed the pile of decaying leaves. Every time I try to clean them up there's more of it. And when I stir the muddy pond, all it does is bring up sediment and make it hard to clarify. I'm trying my best to let the water settle, the time pass, and see how this goes. If you should so choose to stop and forget about this, I won't make a big deal out of it.
I'm trying to make you work for this. But most likely I'm still making it way too easy for you. And probably you're thick enough not to realise that I am in fact drifting away. At the end of the day should my prediction come true, I just want to slowly fade away into the background. You're not the type for regrets. I know that.
But I hope you realise one day what you have lost. I'm not fighting for you anymore. I've started to fight for me. And I hope you can tell the difference between me as a friend, and me as anything more/else. There are so many times when things you say and do hurt me. But I choose now not to make a big fuss of it.
Why? Because it doesn't change anything. You're still going to hum and ha over it all. And if that's the case, well, why bother going through the pain over and over again? I'm giving you free rein to chase after me. But I'm not keeping my hopes up. It seems I am good at the art of disillusion. I can make you think anything or feel anything other than the truth, or what I really want.
Sad. Ironic. Typical.
I mean, dare I say that I'm no longer interested?
To be honest, I don't really know what to do about you anymore. Yes, it is comforting to know that you really want to see me. But like I said, I no longer care so much anymore. In giving you and I space and time, I have discovered that I do not need you to survive and function, and perhaps my love for you really is in fact infautation.
I may at times be an open book, declaring my love, adultion and adoration but deep down there are still things to me that you may not know.
How do I make this work? How do I allow you in, while closing you off at the same time? How can you go into a relationship with no expectations?
Is it simply becuase you haven't seen or spoken to me in the last two weeks, is that what makes you miss the most? Or is it a deep seated feeling of love and desire?
Tell me, what am I going to do about you?
I'm starting to move on. Really, I am.
I don't know how to handle this correctly, and I really don't want you to get everything. I want some self-respect, I want you to work for me. But so often it doesn't seem so. Am I that materialistic and shallow, that I don't really know what it is I really need? And I that airheaded with romance that I don't recognise and appreciate love for what it really is and means?
It was sweet to hear you say that you wanted to seem longer than a lunch hour. The resigned conclusion that it just might have to be lunch made me smile.
We are complex creatures, yes we are. But that's what makes us so special. It's not good though to constantly have to remind myself every time you say or do something sweet, that "it doesn't mean anything." It sucks to have to devalue everything you say. Yet if I don't, well that will only make me feel ten times worse. To constantly hope and expect...
I wish I knew the right way to go about htis. Right now, it's sort've like you're the fall back. Something in the background for me to notice when I feel like it. After all, it's not like you're wanting something from me anyway. You're not about to go anywhere while you're still trying to figure us out. The only difference of course, is that i'm not longer waiting around. Well, not relaly anyway. It's like I am,but I'm not. I'm keeping my options open, let's just say.
I'll admit the phone call stirred me up. I can't ring you back up again, but I still want to talk to you.
go figure.
I'm all messed up.
You know what's worse? the absence doesn't make the friendship grow any stronger.
I want you to work for me, but to be honest, I can't make you do it. And if that's the case, well then, it sorta says something about where we're headed, doesn't it?
Come on, I won't even talk about this with you anymore. At least there are still things that remind you of me. Even if it is just Dory the fish...
=P
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:11 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home