Uplifting Butterfly
The next two weeks are due to be very special. Unusual heavenly alignments effectively put you in a permanent state of grace. You won't suddenly find that every move you make has a perfect result - or that you become immune to irritation and aggravation. You will, though, be able to see how even the 'bad things' in your life have something valuable and constructive to offer you. You will see a way to break an old, entrenched habit and to start out on a delightful new adventure. Rare heavenly alignments make amazing changes possible in July.
What an inspiring prediction. I just finished answering a question in one of my comments, and this forecast seems to kinda be a case in point.
This is why I read astrology. For forecasts like that. You gotta admit, when presented with such favourable astrological forecasts, it does nothing, if not make you feel a hell of a lot better about yourself.
Unusual heavenly alignments effectively put you in a permanent state of grace.
If only I could be in a permanent state of grace every day, and not just for the two weeks they're predicting.
Things seem to be strangely up at home, although I would never have believed it. Mum seems to be accepting my nights away fairly reasonably. She's talking to me again in more normal dulcet tones. Not that she was every
truly dulcet to begin with, but anyway, that's an entirely different story altogether. Who knows what brought the changearound, but hey I'm not about to look a gift horse in the mouth.
There's been a few things on my mind lately, that I probably shouldn't write up right now. I mean, I've got a work deadline by next Wednesday and I'm so not up to scratch. It's probably not wise to get all depressed and whiney about things. Maybe I should go and collect more 'data' before I make my final hypothesis.
Chances are I'll be working this Saturday. Still haven't decided if I want to go clubbing on Saturday night. Boyfriend wants me to go with him to his brother's house while he watches the footy. Which would be fine - except that I would have to make polite conversation with his brother's family for about 4-5 hours. Which would be fine, if we knew each other well - but we don't.
Anyhow, I should quit procrastinating and go back to work. Yesterday was a foul day. You'd think clients would bother reading the report after you finish writing them. But Nooo.... they ring you up with mundane questions like, 'you've done this wrong.' Umm, buddy? You're reading the wrong database you fool. For the quantitative report, refer to the QUANTITATIVE DATABASE. it's all labelled... Grrrr...
Yeh, see that graph that says VOLUME by favourability? That means the numbers are VOLUME, and NOT percentages. VOLUME and PERCENTAGES aren't supposed to match. THEY'RE DIFFERENT. *mutters* discrepancies in the narrative - ha! whatever..
*mutters* stupid idiotic dumb clients.
Anyway....
Back to work.
Sicky Butterfly
What do you know? What do you need to know? If you know what it is you need to know, you are more than halfway towards knowing it. If you don't, how can you ever be sure you are asking the right questions? The current quadruple conjunction of Saturn, Mercury, Venus and the sun, implies the ability to acquire essential information. But once you get it, you will find everything changes dramatically and laughably for the better. That won't happen, though, if you persuade yourself you already know all the answers.
Don't you just love word twisters? Lots to blog about. Will probably do it later this afternoon. I feel like I'm coming down with the flu - again. My nose is starting to get all stuffed up and I'm coughing intermittantly. So much for hoping my immune system was superior to my boyfriend's.
Got lots of work to keep me occupied. Not entirely thrilled about that, but hey, what can you do?
And what's even more shocking, is that it's the end of June already.
29th June - wtf.
Where did all the time go?
Fine Butterfly
Rarely has the sky looked quite like this. Saturn, Mercury, Venus and the Sun are forming a close conjunction. Look up, just after the sun sets and you'll see the three other planets slipping slowly down in the west behind it. Your ruler, Mercury, is most auspiciously positioned. Venus is imbuing it (and thus you) with charm and magnetism. Saturn, meanwhile, is providing support and strength. The Sun is bringing confidence. No matter what you face, how hard it seems, or how worried you may feel, you'll be fine.
If I'm to believe my horoscope this week, things seem to be definately looking up. For a few moments this morning I thought I was totally being paranoid last night. Friend drove me home, and I spent the entire hour talking about the problems I was experiencing at home. Course, other than the fact that we're close friends, the fact that I was drunk on red wine, might well have helped me loose my tongue.
Either way, things didn't seem as extreme as I had thought them to be on the weekend. Except, when I bit the bullet and told mum I wasn't coming home for dinner tonight because I was going to trivia, I noticed an edge of hysteria in her voice as she said 'ok.'
To which I wonder, how much of everything is a facade? I know she loves me. This much is true. But sometimes I get the impression that she just can't handle the choices I've made in my life. And I think she also feels discarded. Like I no longer want her to be a part of my life. Which probably holds some kernals of truth. But at the end of the day, I'm still the same person I was before I started going out with my boyfriend. Family is still important to me.
It's just that after these five months, all I feel is tired. I no longer want to try and please everyone. I just want to be happy. I want to feel the freedom that comes with making your own decisions without having to worry about how they will impact on others, or more specifically, whether my mother will approve of the decisions I make. That is all.
Sometimes I wonder if it's bad that I'm not making more of an effort. But to be frank, all I really want to do is honestly just run away. Run away from these problems and just go about my life. Had another honest talk with my boyfriend last night about moving out, etc. There is an opportunity there for me, if I choose to take it. But at the same time, I don't want to be too bound to him yet. Which means I have to bite the bullet and just stay at home for a little while longer. I also need to fix up my finances. I need to take more of an interest in all of this. Sort out my life. Make sure I have enough money to keep me going. Stop spending so much.
I think no matter how much I angst about all of this, at the end of the day I know deep down that things will sort them out. I think I've already found my path. I'm just going through the motions. Taking each day as it comes. But to be honest, I think I really already know what's going to happen. There are things that I'm hoping will happen, and there are things that I wonder if they will in fact come to pass.
Until then all I can do is sit here and type away, complaining about my sorry state of affairs, and wish for greener pastures. But deep down, I know that it's all just for show. I know the score. No matter the fun I have in planning for things that may or may not come to pass, I know where everything sits.
Yes, I'll be fine. Just let me sit here and vent every once in a while.
Anticipating Butterfly
Truly spectacular sights can now be seen in the sky shortly after sunset. Look out, this week, for Mercury, Venus and Saturn all in close conjunction. Their alignment is auspicious for almost everyone, but it is particularly encouraging for you. Here comes your chance to put something right that has been wrong for a very long time. Here comes strength, stability, prosperity, comfort, reassurance, resolution, inspiration and satisfaction. A bold promise? Perhaps. But then this is a most unusual week. When you look back on it, you will see it as the time when the whole of your life began to change for the better.
Let's hope so. I really hope that this is true. Just came home from a wonderful weekend with the boyfriend. Went to see the musical,
The Producers. Had lunch at a fancy restaurant near the harbour. Had dinner with him and some friends of mine.
Am seriously considering going out to a night club on Saturday night.
Things may well be looking up. Am too tired to stay and chat. Will update more tomorrow.
Running Butterfly
I know I'm not supposed to run. That I should stand and fight. That I should clear the air and make everything right. Because everything is in my power to change. But I can't do it.
If anything, all I feel is confused. A little leaf drifting in a sea of confusion.
She's shredding all my emails. A year's worth of emails that I wrote to her when I was overseas. Her rationale? "There's no point trying to hold onto things that can't be held onto." Or something like that.
And it hurt to watch her do it. To shred all the things that I wrote to her five years ago. It felt like she's trying to shred me. To take me out of her life. It hurt. It's like she was erasing me from her life.
And again, all I wanted to do was leave. Sure, it may be the right thing for her to do. But she did it with such coldness. No crying. No emotion. Just coldness. Perhaps she's upset, but did she really have to do that in front of me? Did I have to see it? All it seemed to do was reemphasize to me that I needed to go. I don't want to be there and see how I'm affecting her. All I wanted to do was live my own life. Was it that hard to do? Was it that difficult?
She once told me that no matter what she loved me. She will always love me. And while I try and remember that, every time I think about how she was shredding all that correspondance..
The fact that she'd kept those letters for five years... And suddenly there she was shredding. She told me she'd been doing it for three days. And the pile just didn't seem to be going down any.
It just hurts....
Was I supposed to stop her? To take the papers away from her? To keep them to myself? What was the point? She obviously wanted to do it. And if that's the case, then why should I stop her?
Motivating Butterfly
In case no one ever told you - work my friend, is overrated.
I'm feeling extremely tired these days. Can't work. I come in and probably do about 2 hours worth of decent paid work max. The rest is spent lounging around, surfing the net, etc etc.
Even I don't know how I'm whiling away the hours.
I'm just so sleepy.
So the decision about the holidays is to go skiing later in the year. All that seems to happen between us is planning and unplanning holidays. *rueful smile*
Least we have this weekend. Am going to a photo exhibition tomorrow. World Press Photos. They have a showing every year, and every year the photos are amazing. Breathtaking. Moving. They all say so much about the world around us. It's probably the only event that I've attended religiously every year since I heard about it.
I'm so sleepy. So unmotivated to do work. So not willing to do what's required of me so that I can afford to live.
*yawns*
Waiting Butterfly
Your situation IS improving. The trouble is, you yearn to encounter some wish-granting genie, fairy or leprechaun. You don't feel at all inclined to wait for a slow, natural process to unfold. This is mainly because you do not feel confident. You suspect that things could be getting worse rather than better. In the absence of some magical, instant cure, you had better develop more faith in your own instincts. These ARE good. You may not have a map, but you do, intuitively, know which direction you want to head in. And you are absolutely right.
Alrighty then. Here goes..
Had a chat with him last night about how difficult things are at home sometimes. It was nice to be honest about things. And even though he was sick and probably a bit muddle-headed (i.e. not awake enough to give me proper advice), it still felt good to talk to him about it.
"There is no right or wrong." he tells me.
I don't know.
"Things will get better. They won't be the same. Things change. But it also doesn't mean that things will always be like this."
I trust his judgment. I honestly do. I wonder sometimes if it's wrong of me to place so much trust in a person. If I've gone and done the unthinkable, and put him on a pedstal. And how wrong that would be.
But it's so easy to place trust in someone you love. And he honestly hasn't really disappointed me. For every moment that I don't feel right about something, given time he bounces back and proves me wrong.
"Tell me if I ever don't treat you right."
Yeh, but how?
Not that he doesn't treat me right. If anything, one of the only thorns in my side (and let's be honest here, this is a fairly small one) is money.
I don't like talking about money. When he tells me that he'll pay me back and forgets. It's not intentional, I know. But I can't help it. I don't want to appear petty or anything. But I can't really afford to constantly give out 50s.
But I don't feel right bringing money up all the time. Especially when he spends hundreds of dollars on me. Our fancy dinners don't come cheap. 20 dollars an entree, 30 dollars a main. 15 dollars a desser, 20 dollars a bottle of wine. Around 200 dollars for two. Lunch yesterday was 35 for food alone. And then there's the concerts, operas, and trips away...
So who am I to really complain about the fifty dollar duty free alcohol, or the fifty dollar contribution to a 300 dollar television, or even fifty dollars for a 99 dollar hotel room in the Hunter that he originally offered to pay the full room for? It seems pretty reasonable to ask me to contribute right?
So in regards to my horoscope for the day, I guess all I really need to do is be patient huh? Patience is as patience does. But I guess they're right. And I think deep down I already knew this. That things don't change all at once. They take time. But at the very least, right now, I know that I am happy. Happy, lucky, and very much loved.
And perhaps, that's all I really need.
..perhaps.
I guess part of the question is also, what path is it that I want to take? Where does my head want to lead? Where am I going, and why? What is it I want?
Things are starting to settle between us, and sometimes I wonder if that's a good or bad thing. When I start to worry that things will get boring. I'm not really the type to problem solve. I'm not the type to put my thoughts out on the table and hope that he will change. I don't like giving people second chances like that.
So how is this going? Sometimes I wish and want us to go back to the first two, three months when we were just starting to get to know each other. Last night he said to me, if he had been in my position when he'd told me that he loved me, his reaction would've been the same as mine. Probably even more freaked out. Think about it. A guy declares his undying love to you two/three weeks after going out with you. Actually, probably closer to two.
Us sleeping together was fast enough. Within the first week. And a week after that, he turns around in the car just before I get out:
"one more thing, I love you."
I mean, how do you expect a girl to respond to that? More importantly, what do you expect me to say? Especially when you were under the impression that we were just trying it all out. That we were testing the waters. That both of us were just doing this for the 'what the hey, why not' factor.
And suddenly, he fell in love. To be honest, I think he fell in love the first night we were together. When afterwards he stared up at the ceiling and muttered half to himself, and half aloud in wonderment, "I never thought I'd ever feel this way."
You seemed to be so overwhelemed by your feelings for me.
And in that instant I had my suspicions. Whereas, I, I held back a little. Tried to remain cautious. And as always tried my best to keep an open mind. And then that Valentines Day, you looking across from me telling me that you didn't feel yourself to be worthy of me. You, a grown man. Not worthy of immature, insecure, crazy little me? What has the world come to? I was so touched to hear those words from you.
By the time we had our first real argument over my family situation and the direction my life was taking, suddenly we were arguing marriage.
"Are you saying that if I asked you to marry me sometime in the next two years you'd say no?"
That line took my breath away. It shook me so badly, I had trouble breathing. And there I was thinking 'natural progression' in a relationship meant the step between sleeping with someone, and spending time with someone. What the hell did I know? And this was all pretty much a month later.
Things have been nothing if not turbulent for us. This is the quietest or most mellowest it's been for us so far. Five months in.
And last night: "Call me crazy, but I think we can do another five months."
Or something like that.
I think we can too. When I mention the rate our relationship progressed you sometimes ask me if I feel a little bored. And each and everytime I say no. But sometimes I'll be honest. Lately, I sometimes wonder if this is it. If now that we've reached this plateau, if we're just going to stay here. And if it will in fact get boring.
Life has a funny way of throwing you curve balls. The last one brought you into my life. I don't want to be responsible for leaving you. But I don't really know how I would take it if you turned around one day and told me that it was all over.
You once told me when we first started going out with each other, how, you knew how much you cared for someone, when you knew how much you got scared of losing them.
Sometimes I wonder if my love for you is genuine. If it is 'love' in it's purest form, or if it's a love that stems from someone offering me something to fill in a gap in my emotional life. You make me feel complete. You fill this empty spot in my heart. You keep the fire stoked and create this sense of warmth. I feel nothing if not wanted and reassured. You fill this part of me that needed filling. You make me feel good about myself. You make me feel like a complete person. I stop feeling loathsome. I stop feeling like I'm desperately scrabbling for a foothold. You give me a firm and stable base upon which to start from. You make things look a lot easier. You bring a light into my life.
And then I wonder if I am just taking advantage of you.
Your birthday's coming up, and I have no idea what to get you. I don't even know where to begin. And again I feel like I'm playing the Game. The one where you try your best to endear yourself to the other. Where you seek to find what it is that makes them tick, that pushes their buttons, that unhinges them and makes them yours. And then I feel sick and manipulative. But it doesn't mean that I can stop. Because I can't stop.
Isn't it loving a person means you never have to think twice? That you can just go out there and do crazy stuff because you love them? Money, time, all manner of material things mean nothing in the face of love, and picking presents and making a person happy is supposed to come easily. But it doesn't seem like that sometimes. And when that's the case, I wonder if I really have done the right thing..?
Tangental Butterfly
So like, I want to talk.
Family's not getting any better, but I'm starting to accept that.
Just got off the phone with the boyfriend. Feel very talkative. Feel very connected to him. He told me some sweet truths today. The most current of which is - he doesn't want to live with his soon-to-be-divorcee-friend either.
"You are the only one I would be willing to live in the city for."
It reassured me in a strange way. That perhaps we do see eye to eye on most things. Of course I may simply be grasping for straws.
I've been harbouring some self-doubts about the relationship though. Last night I lay in bed wondering what I was doing there. Asking myself if I had in fact done the right thing, and wondering why I was lying in this man's bed, when an hour away, were two people who are related to me by blood, lying in their beds. Without me.
I have no answers.
If anything, all I have to go on, are the words and lines he says to me.
"You are my girl."
And last night in response to my shock that my mother wasn't home last night to wait for my phone call telling her I'd be staying at his house for the evening, he prodded me and said,
"See? She doesn't need you to survive. She can live without you, and have her own life. I'm the only one that can't live without you."
. . .
"I'm the only one who can't live without you."
This, from a 34 year old man. Sometimes I wonder if I make too much about the age. I guess I've always had it in my head, or at the very least, I've had it in my head for a while now, that age matters. In my culture, heirarchy is a big thing. Not that I seem to care much about culture these days. All I seem to do is flout it. Or perhaps, just flout my mother's belief in our culture.
The boyfriend also made an interesting observation last night. That I am an open book. Easy to understand, for those who know how to read the signs. I think my best friend said something along those lines once. That if you know me well, you can tell what I'm thinking and how I feel. And when I asked him last night if it was a good or bad thing, he reassured me that it was a good thing. That it was a good way to live.
Ironically this also means that I would suck at my current dream job - to be a diplomat. I discovered rather disappointingly the other evening that my hopes of moving to the capital and making a name for myself by being a diplomat/ambassador just weren't possible. Sure I can lie. I can white lie myself out of practically any situation. But put the pressure and expectation of a country and its interests behind me, and I'll cave. Time and time again. My boyfriend watched amused as I came to this realisation. And he pointed out to me that I'm too honest to be a politican. Or in this case, a diplomat.
Looks like it's back to the drawing board, career wise. That or I could seriously consider becoming a media consultant. I seriously don't know what I would do if I couldn't write for a living. My friends also work for finance firms. And one of them explained their job duties to me the other day. If I had her job, I would scream, batten down the hatches and never come out. All she does is watch the stockmarket and email people. How utterly and completely boring.
At least I get to read and create.
Which brings me to another career path. I had hoped perhaps given sufficient time, that perhaps I could try my hand at being an academic. And I know, I know, despite all the pain I suffered doing my thesis (see archives September through to November) perhaps I could consider a PhD. And it seems that my boyfriend believes that I am a free spirit. A creative being who is too spritely, too energetic, too full of life to be tied down to the jetty of acadaemia.
I always find it interesting, no, actually I take that back. I find it fascinating, the things he sees in me. The things within me that have made him fall in love with me. He told a work colleague of ours (who no longer works with us anymore) that one of the things he loves best about me, is my ability and willingness to try. To experience everything that comes into my life. That I was full of life, and not afraid. Well, I guess he's got a point, and that perspective is true. Hell, he wouldn't be my boyfriend if I hadn't been willing to give him a shot based on the premise, 'why the hell not?' =P
But having said that, it seems that my photoblog alone was part of the reason he became so interested in me. Which I find kind've strange. Sure I have creative bones in my body. But I'm also aware that I have limits. That there are many people out there way more talented and much more focused than I. Perhaps the only two true things about the two blogs I keep is that they are true to me.
On one hand, this written blog allows me to put down all my inner thoughts and demons and assists in trying to sort out issues and put things into perspective, or at the very least become an outlet for all my inner angst, thereby allowing that emotional part of me to thrive (the very side that I often seek to suppress), the photoblog is up for my own inner pride. I take photos not to please people, I take them because I like the photos I take. And the site is simply a place for me to show them to people. I guess what I'm trying to get at, is that I maintain these two blogs for me, and me alone. And I'll be honest when I say that I'm kinda proud of that fact. The support I've received from both are no doubt encouraging as well.
But getting back to the point, or at least one of the tangents that I've been perusing tonight, is that I find it amusing, well, interesting really, that one of the things that my boyfriend pointed out to me months and months ago when I first asked him what peaked his interest in me, was my photoblog. He fell in love with my photos. Something in them must've spoken to him. And said something about me.
To be honest, I don't really know what my photos say about me. I just know what I like.
And perhaps I'm writing tonight simply to give myself an ego boost. Why? I don't know. Maybe dinner with the family tonight was a little harsh on my soul. Maybe I just want to feel good about myself, because I've been bogged down so badly lately by all the emotional baggage. Most of it self-induced, yes, but still.
I'm kinda all over the shop tonight. But I guess you kinda figured that out on your own.
Hey, like I said, I wanted to talk.
Changing Butterfly
Didn't sleep well last night. Still feelin' a little woozy.
Stuff happened last night. I think it says a lot about things. The problems people experience sometimes, I find, feel, or whatever, relate directly to their age, etc.
One of my boyfriend's best friend is contemplating ending an 8 year marriage. So our trivia night wasn't entirely a two person event. He came by for a little while. Joined us for the second half.
How to explain?
I had mixed feelings about it all. On one hand, I shouldn't judge. He's not my friend to begin with. And since he's my boyfriend's close friend, I definately shouldn't judge.
But I sat there watching him last night. And while the situation is sad, I can't sympathise. If anything, the only feeling I had was this sense that he was a waste of space. Not someone I would spend time with. And chances are that he will move in with my boyfriend in a few weeks. I'm not happy about that. Obviously it's not really a major,
major hurdle, and it's something that I could most likely learn to adjust, deal and live with, but I still don't like it.
He was fairly drunk by the time he met the two of us last night, so supposedly I shouldn't take any of the things he said to me to heart. But one line does stick in my mind.
"I'll probably see more of you than you'll like."
There's two readings to that sentence. Especially if I spend nights over there. Or maybe I'm just being sensitive and reading too much into it. To be honest, I don't know how comfortable I am with that arrangement. I guess I always assumed that my boyfriend would stick with something he said to me once - that he would never live with anyone again, and that he quite liked being 'king of the castle.'
Can you imagine? Spending time at your boyfriend's, knowing that his friend lives there also. Not being able to treat his place like my own. Having to share. Having to live with not one, but essentially two people. To be honest, it seems awkward to me.
But, what can I say or do? The guy's divorcing his wife. He needs a place to say. How can my boyfriend say no? How can I be selfish? Is it really my place to say?
I tried to articulate it last night, and it all came out rather clumsily. Because, me being me, tries to be oh so polite and pc and whatnot.
At best, I came out to say that I wasn't ready to share him. And he came back with he didn't really want to share me, and that it wouldn't be for a while yet. The time frame he had given me earlier in the evening was at least 6 weeks. To be honest, that's not much.
I honestly don't really know how to deal with that. Not really comfortable with it, but there's nothing that I can really say about it. Without seemingly appearing petty or whatever. Especially after I said it wasn't my decision to make, and he came back with, yes, but I still value your opinion.
I know that. But it won't change anything. I guess I just want to be the good supportive girlfriend.
He said to me tongue in cheek on the train trip home last night how, "yeh, you're such a naysayer."
Are my actions wrong? Do I in fact have it all turned around? Is this the wrong approach to be taking to all of this?
A little lost, a little panicky, a little wary, a little uncomfortable with how things are changing - yet again.
Change. Things are always changing.
Exhausted Butterfly
Just completed a report. One of those killer reports that sap up all your life force and leave you wasted. Looking at the work schedule, it only took 18 days. Felt more like a month though, if you ask me.
There were days where I'd sit in front of my computer and just not want to be there. Where I'd sit down and then get back up. Where I couldn't stand to sit there. Couldn't stand to read, couldn't stand to write.
Well, it's all done now.
Over.
Finito.
Kaput.
Completed half an hour before deadline, and it feels good. Sure, I took it home to work on during the weekend (read, overtime).Sure, I haven't taken my lunch hour for the last five days (read, overtime). Sure, I took it home on various nights to get articles translated (read, overtime). So what if I don't get paid extra (read, overtime)? and I've got a throbbing headache? Big deal.
Least it's all over. Come tomorrow, I'm back on one of my regular quarterly reports - yaay.
*sigh*
Feeling a bit wacky. Feelin' a bit woozy. My lunch today consisted of one packet of tomato and basil pretzels, and a cappuccino from this morning - with 4 sugars. I'm a wuss, what can I say?
=P
On the relationship front - going out to trivia night. Just the two of us =)
We're not going on the tropical holiday he promised. He's got legit and fair reasons. Been feeling a bit down and depressed about it though to be honest. But I'll give him credit. This the first time he's gone back on something he's promised, and this is the end of Month 4. Come Wednesday, we'll have been going out for five months. In comparison (even though I know I shouldn't compare relationships) my ex used to disappoint me on a constant basis to the point where the bitter taste of disappointment was a constant on my emotional palate.
Either way, it's petty of me to get upset. On the other hand, I need to figure out what's going to happen this weekend, since I took my waitressing night off. I'd like to go out and do something, rather than spend it in. But I'm sure we'll discuss it and sort it all out in time.
I realised something about mum yesterday though. Something that perhaps I haven't gotten around to mentioning here. I think the thing that struck me on the weekend was how even though mum and I are no longer battling wills and whatnot, we still don't really understand each other. Her idea of showing me that she cares is to comment on my life. In retrospect it all seems reasonable. But every time she opens her mouth all I hear is chastisement.
I was driving on Saturday afternoon, and mum came out with, 'whenever you make decisions, always be aware of the consequences. When you were young, I would always take consequences into account. But you're a woman now. You have to make your own decisions. And you have to be considerate of others, otherwise you will suffer the consequences.'
I took it as, 'what are you trying to say?' I mean, in my mind, all I heard was, 'you made your decision. Now go lie in it. I am not happy with your decision, and you're going to suffer the consequences. You still have time to change your mind. But it's all your fault.' Or something like that.
When I started getting defensive, she in turn got defensive and started muttering something about how I didn't even want to hear what she had to say, and how she wasn't even allowed to say her two cents worth.
Looking back on it later, I realised perhaps she was just trying to give me motherly advice.
But see, I took it the wrong way. I read it as a judgement call on my current actions. Despite the fact that she tells me she never judges - especially not her own daughter.
I guess I'm just very sensitive to her moods. And no matter that I choose the life I live right now, when she constantly reminds me to watch the consequences, I still find myself censoring my own actions. I wish I had the courage, I wish I had the gall to just bite the bullet and break ties. Burn a few bridges and go my own way. But somehow, I can't do it. I find myself still tied in some strange way to her apron strings.
And sometimes when I note how alone I
really am, I realise that my boyfriend is my only lifeboat. Without him, I am nothing. Without him to justify my actions, without him to justify my existence, I am nothing.
Pretty pathetic, huh?
Who would've thunk it?
He said the sweetest thing to me the other night though. Perhaps so cliched, but to me, still special.
"You are my better half."
Me? 23 year old, insecure, immature, me? You're the 34 year old man, who knows what he wants and won't stop until he gets it. Who puts down the ultimatums and conditions. Who tells me as it is, and won't take no for an answer. How can I be your better half? When you have so much more life experience under your belt? When I know nothing and barely know myself? When I continually make a mockery of my family, and seemingly continuous faux pas at work, at home, in my social life?
I played soccer with my work mates last week (don't ask) and as the game progressed, I found myself experiencing something that made me realise something. I honestly do not like being in situations where I have no confidence or skill. I don't like feeling or knowing that I am inferior. I would prefer to stop, than to continue and prove my inability.
I suck at soccer. In fact, I suck at most sports. This wouldn't necessarily stop me from practising until I improved my skills. If anything, my bad game skills means I would intentionally go out to improve them. What I'm trying to get at though, is that halfway through that game, I didn't want to play anymore. I didn't want them to see how bad I was. I felt like I was on show (when perhaps I probably wasn't) and I didn't want to look so bad.
And in the same vein, I think that thinking pervades most aspects of my life. I don't like being in situations where I feel young. Where I feel inexperienced. I will do anything I can, I am willing to learn, to practice, do whatever it takes, in order to do better. But at the same time, I also do not like showing my weaknesses.
At the very least I feel good about myself, knowing that given the opportunity I am always willing to improve. To learn. To change.
I am so tired and exhausted...
Concerning Butterfly
Had an email exchange with him today. Sent him a quote that I came across while surfing the net that reminded me of all his troubles at work, and emphasised one of the keys to his outlook on life:
"That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong."
~William J. H. Boetcker
His reponse?
"You and me both my love...its one of the most important lessons in life."
And suddenly I saw the quote in a different light. Seemingly it echoes all the worries that were concerning me yesterday. It seems quite ironic that I didn't even seen that until he pointed it out to me. And yet again, I'm back on the Rock of Contemplation, sitting like Rodin's thinker, wondering if perhaps my decisions were in fact correct, if my actions are 'right.'
Who am I doing this all for, anyway? Him? or Me?
My mother tells me that what I'm doing is wrong. She sits and watches helplessly as I 'hit my head against the wall' as she eloquently puts it.
Meanwhile, he gives me the example, 'have you ever had a conversation with someone, where no matter your respect and love for that person, their opinion is just wrong? Plain and simple, wrong?'
And so there I float. Drifting aimlessly, a cork bobbing in that proverbial sea of uncertainty.
What is right and wrong anyway? Does it just boil down to how we feel about certain situations? As long as we feel no harm in our actions, as long as we are happy with our decisions, doesn't that make it 'right'?
Or no?
Is that just denial? Confusion? Uncertainty?
What if I'm so confused, to the point where I don't even know what's right or wrong? What is right or wrong, other than a simple unwritten law governed and handed down by society? What if everything we believe is in wrong? What if there is no moral code? What if it's all just some joke a person decided on making? A myth of 'rightness' and 'wrongness'?
Does that even make sense?
Capitulating Butterfly
This week's forecast:
You feel that, against your better judgement you have been pressured into letting something happen. Now, it is clear that it has not had the promised result. Indeed, it would seem very much as if your worst fears are being realised. How could you have been so weak? Weak? You were not weak. You were wise. You had no other option and you will yet be glad that things occurred as they did. For now, a point has been proved. Though it may take a while for others to acknowledge this and to invest you with the respect that you deserve, a moment of vindication is coming.
I wonder how much truth is in that forecast. Lately I have in fact been wondering if my decision to follow my boyfriend's wants and needs was in fact a sign of my weakness. If perhaps my fear of being left alone, my fear or rejection and all the psychological mental and emotional baggage left by my father coagulated and influenced my actions and by proxy assisted in creating this major uproar at home to the point where I no longer have anywhere to really call home.
Mum goes through her up and downs. But it doesn't mean I'll change my behaviour. As a matter of fact, I like spending time with my boyfriend. Even more to the point, I have discovered, albeit a little late, that I dislike going home alone on the trains at 11 at night. It's scary, dangerous, and very lonely. When I know that instead of doing that and then forking out ten dollars for a taxi, I could be cuddled up nice and warm beside my boyfriend on the couch in his apartment, or maybe snuggling in bed.
I went out to dinner with him the other night. It was one of the best nights I'd had out in a long time. It made The List. The food was great. The company divine. And of course, the fact that I consumed (what's considered for me as) copious amounts of alcohol, meant I had a fairly enjoyable time.
One and a half glasses of red wine, and a complimentary sorbet and vodka shot, on top of the vodka and cranberry that I'd had earlier in the evening with co-workers. Oh, and is this where I mention that I get very talkative on alcohol? I think he found the night quite amusing. I caught a few bemused smiles on his face as I waxed and waned on the concept of ownership and how 'western' it is. To which I was surprised how eager he was to jump on the Native Title Act and
Terra Nullius. Sometimes I wonder if given time we will in fact come to know each other any better, and still like the other. I've noticed the dynamics of our relationship change over the last month. Since I started staying over, it's been like this huge step. At least in my book. And while I was always comfortable in his presence, in some ways it feels a bit like the excitement is dying down.
Of course, after the boat rocked to the point of nearly capsizing last time, naturally I feel a little shaken. And obviously things can't return back to the way they were before. Big steps are big steps. And I know and felt his support for me. Even though I stupidly tried to be brave and push him away. Perhaps it made us closer to each other. I'm not sure. But at the very least he told me the other day that he's no longer as scared as he used to be that he'd never see me or spend time with me. Which is a good thing.
But the price I've paid is fairly high. He's an impatient man when it comes to certain things. And the result is that I capitulate to lots of his demands. I know that there was probably a much better way to sort out home. But I didn't handle it right. And now I'm in a situation where my mother can't accept the decisions I've made, while still loving me desperately. Meanwhile, I take endless rides at the latest emotional funpark.
I see her desperately trying to accept and hold onto her sanity. She goes out a lot more, and I get the feeling she goes out with friends to try and forget. She tries to forge her own life. Which is what I want her to do. But she does it more out of bitterness than anything else. But I can't solve that problem for her. It's her own battle to fight. All I can do is be happy. As my counsellor once told me - your only responsibility is to yourself. No one else. You can't be responsible for other people's happiness. It's just not possible.
And my boyfriend is the same. "I'm going to beat it out of you" he jokingly says to me. Beat out this belief that I need to do things to make him happy, to the point where my own needs come second.
I have inner demons. Troubles and issues. I'm not well-adjusted at all. I just learnt over the years to build up a facade that implied I was. To all those who first meet me, they find me a self-confident, assured young woman. Who is happy with who she is, and not afraid to stand for her beliefs. Who is not swayed by popular culture, image, or other such superficial artifices.
When in fact, deep down I am scared. I'm terrified that if I don't present this confident persona, that people will reject me. So I seek out to find out what the 'ideal' person for these people are, and I project that persona outwards. It makes for a lengthy deception. And when the person gets close enough, my boyfriend for example, they suddenly discover parts of the real me. And that's when the trouble starts. Because that's when I start worrying. What if they don't like me? What if they are disgusted with what they find?
A consumer junkie who defines herself by other people's ideals? Who has no sense of who she is, and will often go with the flow, while intermittantly being different for the principle of the thing, rather than for true honesty. In other words, it's just my stubborness that stops me from being the Lemming of All Lemmings.
Deep down I'm a conformist at heart. While my boyfriend is one of those often-despised stirrers. Who will stand up and fight for what he believes is right. While on paper that sounds grandiose and honourable, what I find interesting is that sometimes the things that he chooses to fight for, I can't be bothered.
I think that is a strong part of who I am. Accepting that other people have their opinions and beliefs, and accepting them as they are. Because it's easier for me to accept them, than it is for them to do the same for me. If I fit into their view of the world, then it's easier to live in their world than to get them to try and live in mine. Hell, they might find out that my world isn't suited. And if that's the case, they may well decide to leave! And we can't have that...
I just wonder sometimes if my decision to 'live life' the way my boyfriend sees life is in fact the right way to go about it. When my mother, the woman who is supposed to look out for you and take care of you and make sure you don't fall down, so disapproves.
I'm so confused. So scared. So anxious. So worried. So deathly afraid that the life I've chosen is going to roll out one day with me looking back and thinking 'my life essentially amounted to nothing.'
So far looking back, it has all essentially been smooth sailing. Despite everything. And it's all my mother's doing. Me capitulating to all her demands. But this time around I'm walking up to the plate, and I'm fighting.
But is this fight worth it? Is this love, is this relationship worth fighting for? I know that the decision is up to me, and no one can make this decision for me. But I'm allowed a few rhetorical questions in my musings, aren't I?
I just don't want to regret. I don't want to look back and see this year as the defining moment where my life, under my own rudder, went to hell.
Upon re-reading that forecast though, I'm yet again reminded of the vagrancies of horoscopes. What if they were simply referring to my latest report? And all this has absolutely nothing to do with my emotional life?
=P
typical...
Wordless Butterfly
Come on just say it,
You need me like a bad habit,
One that gives you the interest of indepth and love.
Come on just say it (Are you afraid to),
You need me like a bad habit
(Say what you want to, tell me you want to),
One that gives you the interest of indepth and love
(Are you afraid to say what you want to, tell me you want to).
Well I hold my tongue use it to assess,
The damage from way back when it mattered,
But nothing seems important anymore,
We’re just protecting ourselves from our self,
And I don’t think I’ll ever come back down
(I don’t think I’ll ever come back down),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back down
(I don’t think I’ll ever come back down),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back down
(I don’t think I’ll ever come back…),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back…
Are you ashamed to say
what you want to tell me you want to.
Are you ashamed to say
what you want to tell me you want to.
(Come on just say it)
Are you ashamed to
(Come on just say it)
say what you want to tell me you want to.
(Come on just say it)
Are you ashamed to
(Come on just say it)
say what you want to tell me you want to.
I’m making the difference,
It just seems pointless,
Well I’ll be obvious,
That’s got out of focus,
Why can’t you just be happy,
Why can’t you just be happy.
And I don’t think I’ll ever come back down
(I don’t think I’ll ever come back down),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back down
(I don’t think I’ll ever come back down),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back down
(I don’t think I’ll ever come back…),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back...
(Just come back… )
Just come on just say it,
Come on just say it,
Well I’ll just say it,
I’ll just say it,
I need you defenseless, dependent and alone.
(Just come back… )
She says live up to your first impression,
Well my best side was your worst invention,
In case you live without the intention,
In case you live without the intention.
(Just come back… )
She says live up to your first impression,
Well my best side was your worst invention,
In case you live without the intention,
In case you live without the intention.
She says live up to your first impression
(Come on, just say it),
Well my best side was your worst invention
(Come on, just say it),
Why can't you live without the intention
(I need you defenseless, dependent),
Why can’t you love without the intention (alone).
She says live up to your first impression (I just say it),
Well my best side was your worst invention (I just say it),
Why cant you live without the intention
(I need you defenseless, dependent),
Why can’t you love without the intention (Alone),
Why can’t you love
(Defenseless, dependent),
Why cant you love
(Defenseless, dependent),
Why can’t you love…without…love…without
(Defenseless, dependent, defenseless, dependent),
Why can’t you love
(Defenseless, dependent),
Why can’t you love
(Defenseless, dependent),
Why can’t you love…without…love…without
(Defenseless, dependent, defenseless, dependent).
Taking Back Sunday ~ One-Eighty By Summer
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
My heart's all confused. It's been up and down all week. And tonight I'm all over the place. Confused over mum. I'm tempted to move out. Even though I know I can't afford it. I'm poor. So poor. There's only a little over 2 grand in my bank account. I can't live in the city on that much. And if I move in with the boyfriend, I get the feeling that I won't be able to move out. Who goes up a level to go back down one? So silly...
I sometimes wish I had the courage to move out.
And I don't want to prove her right yet. I still have all these ideals that I want to live out. Being independent, living on my own, having a place to call my own. Hell, I can't even commit to a bedside table and a lamp right now. He laughed at me last night when he offered it to me, and I hedged. My reasoning is that it costs money. But I wasn't about to explain myself to him.
Work is stressful - as per usual. No one appreciates me, and I'm extremely anxious over this report. I've taken it home to work on it this weekend.
I wish I could put all my worries and anxieties into words. But I can't seem to.
I miss him tonight. He's at a boys poker night/drink fest.
I'm sitting here in front of my computer, staring aimlessley at the screen, and I'm missing you.
Momentary Butterfly
For about an hour or two last night, I felt the happiest I've been in a long time. I'm happy. Truly happy.
"You won't have to worry about anything. All you'll need to do is relax."
I love my boyfriend.
An indulgent long weekend in the tropics. Where work, family and all the horrors of late will not reach me. I can't wait.
More importantly I went to the doctor's last night. Everything is fine. I was so scared of complications. He was right. The last few weeks will all soon be a bad dream. Bad memories. No more.
We are made up of the sum of our experiences. If this is what it took to get here, then I accept. I told mum in one of our fights that I will never regret going out with my boyfriend, and making the decisions I made. I still stand by that. No matter the pain, right now it feels like it's all been worth it.
I feel so lucky to have a man who loves me so much. It feels wonderful to have my love reciprocated. Especially when often I am reminded that his love for me far exceeds mine for him. Suddenly it feels like I can breath. And I know in my heart of hearts the most important thing is that I cherish these moments for as long as they last. They come few and far in between. And so often not enough.
Today's forecast:
After every earthquake, there's always an aftershock. These never measure as much on the Richter Scale yet they produce further tension. They shake everything up just as it is starting to settle. They provide a vivid reminder of recent stress. They cause people to wonder if it is all happening over again. What they actually do is complete the process. If something has been loosened but not fully shifted, the secondary wave takes care of it. Don't fear this weekend's eruption.
Great........... you know, sometimes I wonder why I bother reading my horoscope. All it seems to do is tell me bad news. You mean like, there's more to come? Happiness really does come few and far between eh?
*woeful sigh*
Mellow Butterfly
Financially, you are heading for a period of solvency, if not prosperity. Emotionally, you are already starting to feel less anxious. Soon, you'll lose that edge of nervousness which has lately been cramping your style. Physically and psychologically, you are gaining strength. There may still be many issues to deal with, but they will all prove easier once you are feeling confident. Focus on doing more of what makes you feel good. After a taste of that, you'll rapidly sort out whatever you are not so enthused about.
That's a nice upbeat way to start the day. Not to mention fairly accurate. At least, describing the state I'm in lately. I came in late to work this morning. My train stopped three times on the way to the city. By the time I arrived, I decided if I was going to be late, and had informed my boss so, I may as well make the most of it, and just take my time mosying to work.
Stopped to buy a hot chocolate with cinnamon, and slowly ambled my way to work. Made me feel a little better about myself.
Had a half talk with mum last night. I commented that I had gone home early to have dinner with the family but they had eaten without me. She started off very bitter, 'I thought you liked me leaving food for you. I'm the one who would love to have everyone at dinner (i.e. not us)'. She started thawing by the end of the evening, and this morning told me that if I was coming home, she'd wait.
As much as I love the thawing, suddenly I feel a little trapped again. Typical. I get all my freedom and I resent the way it's handed to me. So I try to make a bridge to keep her a little happy and suddenly I feel trapped again and wish I was back in the previous state.
Talk about the grass being greener on the other side. This is absolutely ridiculous you know.
The best thing last night though was when I went to pick my brother up from school. He'd had some late evening function. As I was driving, he asked me how it was like living at the boyfriend's. i.e. Was it uncomfortable, etc. It made me love him so much more. This is the type of response I want from family. I'm just waiting for someone to give me an opening like that. And I will burst out and start talking. But mum is all, 'if you want to tell me, then tell me.' I don't think she understands the rules of subtlety.
So I'm going home tonight for dinner. I have a check up at the doctor's this afternoon, and I need to get around to buying those film festival tickets. I *need* to see this movie. Even if it comes out in the cinemas lately, I want to go see this...
Mothering Butterfly
Sometimes I feel like, or I know, that my mother doesn't mean to be overprotective. Her situation has caused a lot of her perspectives on family and life to change.
She once told me that if she had the choice and was in a financially strong situation I would've been able to move out and live my own life a long time ago. But the situation as it is doesn't allow me to do that. I'm required to put food on the table. It's too difficult without my input. Which is fair, after all, family is family. I see no problem in contributing. It's just that at the same time, sometimes I feel trapped by it all. I can't move out if I have to give half my salary to home. I can't afford to. And I'm so not ready to move in with my boyfriend. Especially when he's so serious about this relationship. I need space and time to be learn to be my own individual.
My mother I think tries her best not to judge. And I think ideally she would like me to just talk to her. But perhaps there's also some miscommunication on my side. I've never felt at ease talking to her about my relationships. I know how much she worries. And that worry sometimes lends itself to overconcern. She's fairly critical and I'm too sensitive and not strong enough to stand against it.
I was sitting at home last night, thinking, 'this situation is so ridiculous.' If she would only accept the facts and move on, things would be so much better. I guess part of the problem is my mindset. That I think she's constantly judging when perhaps she's not. I guess I just need a place that makes me feel welcome. And I don't feel welcome anymore. She shuts me out.
I see the differences between the way she treats me and the way she treats my brother. And it hurts. I feel neglected. Perhaps it's part and parcel with what I asked for - her stopping meddling with my affairs - but to be honest, all I really feel is left out. She doesn't talk to me anymore. She has her own life which she is gradually cutting me out of.
And I'm too tired to make the extra mile. Which probably isn't fair on her either. How can I expect her to make all the moves? But I've been so tied up in trying to make everyone happy but myself, that these days it's enough of a break just to take care of myself and my own needs.
Ideally I want her to be supportive and caring and welcoming at home, while I go and lark about with my own life. But hey, you can't have everything right? You make do with the best that you can, and leave it at that. And it's not that I don't know that she cares. I came home last night, albeit late, due to work stuff, to find she'd made crab for dinner - my favourite.
I remember her telling me two weeks ago that it wasn't so much my problem these days. It was just that suddenly she discovered she didn't have anything to say to me. No words.
How did it all fall apart like this? Was it my fault? For not breaking it to her gently enough? For not realising that I had all the freedoms? Have I been inconsiderate? That I just had to break things to her gently? But as my boyfriend once said to me, "you don't need this." And he's right, there's no reason to be doing any of this. I'm 23. When is she going to let go? Why do I have to explain everything to her? Why do I have to jump through all these hoops and go through all this supposed emotional blackmail? Or am I missing the entire point? Am I just viewing things from the inside out and not taking everything into account? I know my situation isn't the worse that a person can be in. I know that I'm very lucky in comparison to many. That this isn't the worst stumbling block yet. At the same time, I can't help but wish sometimes that things could be easier.
Perhaps patience is all that is required. Patience and time to heal all wounds. But that doesn't mean I should stop enjoying myself right? I can't constantly be tied down to her moods. The only person I'm responsible for is myself. The only responsibility I have in this world is to make myself happy. Because no one else will. No one else is required to. If I can't make myself happy, how on earth is anyone else supposed to?
I've come this far. I may as well go the rest.
Or as my best friend pointed out to me the other day, I've already stepped into the mud. May as well wallow in it.
I've already got my shoes wet. May as well go the whole hog eh?
Wary Butterfly
We all need a little structure in our lives. Rhythm, routine and ritual create a sense of rhyme, reason and reassurance. That's why we keep up habits, even when they are no longer necessary. It is sometimes, too, why we fail to question unwise assumptions. An arrangement is now starting to fall apart. There's an absence in your life where there used to be a presence. Don't try to pretend that nothing has changed. It's time to establish a new pattern, based on a new understanding. Once you adapt and adjust, you will feel much more comfortable about your prospects at every level.
I hope that's not referring to what I think it might be referring to. Just got back from a night at the boyfriend's. Mum's fairly quiet and standoffish. Now is probably not a good time to tell her about the possibility of my trip interstate later this month.
Lots of thoughts running through my head. As per usual. Was going to blog up a rather dejected blog. Was halfway through writing it on the way home. But I think I'm back out on the other side of the dejection tunnel.
Might hold onto those thoughts for now and see how they go. But yeh, if I'm a strong believer in all that is astrology, perhaps I should try and take heed of the warnings. *sigh*
Would I be a coward if I said I didn't want to face her and have this conversation again? I'm too tired to play. Why can't she just let me do what I want, and live and let live? Why do I constantly have to validate everything? So everyone else automatically want their mothers incorporated into their lives. It's not that I don't want the same, I just don't want to constantly check in like she wants me to.
My guess is that she's most upset that I didn't tell her the truth in the morning, and waited till she was in bed before I rang her. In which case she only found out I wasn't staying the night this morning. That's mainly my fault. I didn't watch the time - for once.
Anyhow, I have to make final preparations before I go off waitressing tonight. There better be decent food on the dinner table tonight. That's all I can say. While my breakfast was wonderful, my hunger's pretty insatiable.
Food, food food, o where art thou?
Shying Butterfly
Lots of stuff happening this morning. Meeting with client got postponed until god knows when. I'm all suited up, pretty to boot, and have nowhere to show, nowhere to go. I feel like a chat, so I'm going to go all girly.
Did my makeup on the train (a first), rushed to work and was reassured by reception that my eyes looked great. Also painted my nails on train (not a first), as I was trying my best to impress clients. And it
is my first time meeting clients. May as well make the most of it. How often can I creep into this office in a full blown suit anyway? Shirt, skirt, shoes, stockings, jacket... last time I did something even resembling that, I got half amused/catty remarks from all the girls: "you look corporate today..." uhuh.
So I've got the full works today (in case I haven't said it already). And I'm rather proud of myself, if I do say so. Difficult to keep the lipstick in place though. Might need to work on that. And foundation has a tendency to leave face and get onto tissue when you're blowing your nose. Don't really know how to work on that one. And I have no idea when the client's going to rock up. For all I know, they might well decide to come in next week instead. It's Casual Friday, and I'm in a suit. *sigh*
Boyfriend's sick in bed (thanks to moi) and won't be turning up. Means I'm on comfort duty tonight. Don't know how good I am at beside nurse. I'm pretty bad when it comes to being nice in general. Ugh.
So I was thinking about a whole bunch of things last night. Boyfriend suggested we have a tropical holiday for a long weekend in June, oh wait, that's
this month *sheepish smile*, for our five month anniversary. And suddenly I find myself quaking again.
I won the war. But I seem to constantly baulk from reaping the rewards. A holiday away is a big deal. And when we plan to take a day off work, instead of using the long weekend (cost purposes), well that makes it even more of a big deal.
Mum's getting resentful again. She was fairly catty last night and this morning. All about how we come from traditional roots, and she will follow tradition. How she doesn't care if we don't appreciate it. etc etc. That's not the case at all, and perhaps I haven't really made enough of an effort to show her that is the case. But then again, I'm too tired to fight. And maybe I'm falling back into the old pattern again.
Either way, at the rate things are going, perhaps the boyfriend will be the only one who pushes this relationship along. And I will be the one dragging her feet behind in the sand. Not unwilling to go, perhaps maybe even a bit grudgingly. Just a little cautious and hesitant - perhaps. And I wonder if he can live with that. Common sense tells me no, he won't.
And... we're back to square one.
How on earth can I make an easy situation difficult? It confounds and baffles me to no end.
These days, sometimes it's like I just have to grit my teeth and bear it. To be able to have moments like Tuesday evening, me sick as a dog in his bed, him coming home from work, sitting there caressing my head, telling me about his day. With the light from the bathroom backlighting his profile, and the light casting a warm glow around the doorway and down the hallway.
That'll be me tonight. It should be the reverse scenario when I get home. Him blithely correcting me when I told him I had to get home, "you are home." Yes, I am home.
Things will only get better from here eh? yeh, I guess. If I'd just shut up and fly straight. Quit thinking. Just plunge on ahead, grit my teeth and 'soldier on.' Horoscope says to just take a big step over the hurdles. Well I'm not going home tonight. Not to family, anyway.
That proposed holiday is in just over a fortnight though. Most probably the 18, 19 and 20th June. We have to be back for the following weekend though, because that's when the end of the film festival is. And I'm deadset on seeing
Howl's Moving Castle. One of my all time favourite books from one of my all time favourite authors,
Diana Wynne Jones. They're doing an anime version of it, and it's the closing film. If I see nothing at the festival this year, I
have to see that movie. Which reminds me, I need to go and buy the tickets. I'm not about to turn up that night and be turned away.
But yeh, that holiday. How am I going to explain it to her? He's paying for everything. I mentioned my budget and he came back with, "I'll be paying, dufus." Flying on an airplane with you. Lying on the beach with you in an entirely different state. How totally strange, bizarre and removed.
I remember telling my best friend about him. How he gave me a silver brooch for a 3 month anniversary gift. And how later on he shook my wrist and wryly said, "It's been 90 days. There's no return on this one." And how my friend told me, "no one does that. No one buys a 3 months anniversary gift." You're right, least no one that I know. Especially not as the first gift they ever buy you. But for me, it was more the 90 day return policy that got me. What a novel way to see things. He has a way with words, that one. And the irony was, I never even saw it from that angle. An entirely new perspective. But then again, he always gives me new perspectives on everything.
Five month anniversary gift - three day tropical holiday (all expenses paid). Yeh, no one does that.
Knowing him from the outside, you would never guess he was such a sweet softie on the inside. I certainly never saw it. I think it's one of the things I love best about him though. Because perhaps I am also the same. Perhaps I feel a sense of kinship to that stoic facade on the outside and the inner soft underbelly.
He lets me be myself. Not like the previous one. Who once shockingly told me that the person he thought he was dating was far far different from the one he got. Even my first boyfriend noted the differences in my demeanour in a relationship, and outside of it. But in his case, he wanted to draw out and nurture the person he knew to be inside. This one though, in some ways, acts like he expected me to be as I was. We never need to talk about it. And while I may surprise him with my constant change of personality and undercurrents of change, he never questions it, but takes it all in stride. And what makes it even more wonderful is that he often goes that one step beyond me. I may be an idiot, but he's even
more of an idiot. I may be soft, but he's a hell of a lot clingier. And that strangely makes me feel reassured and strong. I need the security of someone to love me. And while he may jokingly pout and say that I don't love him enough, often it is his very love that makes me love him.
Sometimes I question whether my love for him is genuine. But in the same vein, I also wonder how much of his love is genuine, and how much of it is need. Do you love me for the sex? For the idea that you have a pretty thing on your arm? Or is it because I keep the demons at bay? Makes you feel less lonely, and allows you to dream of a future that doesn't just have you in residence? What is love anyway? How can you define it?
Age-old questions, with no right answers.
Maybe we can get all philosophical and talk about love as being a construct of society. But i'm not in the mood to palavar over it.
Suffice to say I'm nervous. Nervous about all the big steps that we seem to be taking. Scared of the unknown. A little worried, needing some time to take that final breath and break away into my own life.
When I come home, I still feel the mantle of fear settle on my shoulders. Can't talk about him. Can't talk about this. Shouldn't talk about that. How will I tell her? It will be better if I tell her this instead. White lies fill my daily consciousness. Not really a way to live, is it?
I need to break this. I'm killing myself, when there really is no need to. He's my lifeboat, my lighthouse, my guide. I'm just a little boat bobbing in the ocean, and I think I'll let him throw me a line, and tug me into shore, buffet me against the winds and protect me from the storm.
Advancing Butterfly
I had a chat with a friend last night. She carefully reminded me that I'm not the only one who goes through all these troubles. What I'm going through is life, and as much as I moan and complain and worry, fact of the matter is, millions of people are going through exactly the same thing. It's not just me.
So I'm walking to work this morning and get hit with the most obvious facts - I'm 23. I'm an adult. It's time to live my life. He's been telling me these things for months now. But I think it's finally starting to sink in. If I don't start living now, when will I?
Maybe it is all true - and all my problems and worries are just me getting freaked out and not wanting to grow up. Because, hey, everyone else has to.
And while it does scare me tremendously when a 34 year old man tells you that you're "the one" for him, when marriage is potentially on the cards, I guess I should also try and put everything into perspective.
Yes, I know that I'm not ready to settle down - not by any means. At the same time, I honestly love every moment that I spend with him. Which means perhaps all I have to do is wait. Sit this out and see where it goes. Sit it out and see how deep my love for him goes, and maybe it will turn out right like he's hoping. By staying where he is right now, six months, give or take, will hopefully give me time to reassess, and figure out if this is really where I want to be. Stop worrying so much, and just enjoy the ride.
All that's supposed to matter is that I keep happy, right? As long as the underlying baseline is that I'm happy, then everything else should technically fall into place. Put my faith and trust down, believe that while he may be selfish in his needs and desires for me, at the same time, nothing he does will ever harm me. He just wants me to be happy. And more importantly, I just want myself to be happy.
No more angsty arguments. No more fights over my independence/freedom. Just everything falling into its rightful place. Just me living life.
Happiness.
What a made up word. Or maybe more specifically, what a loaded word. Just like 'love.'
...Here's to happiness. And all its wondrous trappings. To love, in all its angsty forms. To life. And all that comes with it.
Coveting Butterfly
If I could wrap you up and turn you into something that I could take out of a box and look at and hold, I would.
You are adorable in every sense of the word.
Having lunch with you today, sharing time with you, that's all I need.
Monday night curled up on the couch cuddling you while we watched
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Clutching my tummy and struggling not to laugh coz it hurts when I do, as we followed it up with the lighthearted
Meet the Fockers.
It was one of the more memorable moments with you. Where it felt like I had taken a meaty sized bite, and was savouring the moment. It's one where I can take it apart, piece by piece and appreciate it from every angle.
You're such a child. Sticking your tongue at me from across the bank foyer, pretending that no one can see you do it, while you open a bank account. Putting on a shocked face when I return it in kind.
Mimicking a mandarin as it rolls away from me, coz no mandarin wants to be eaten by me. You're such a silly silly man. And I feel so blessed and lucky to have you in my life.
Or as you say, "we're both lucky to have each other." Yes we are - especially if this is going to last.
At the same time though, I have to admit that there are little demons floating around in my subconcious.
What if, at the end of the day I feel that you trap me? That because of you I never get to experience the freedom that comes from being on your own? I want to be able to live a life, where I get to be independenet - like truly independent. Living out on my own, making my own decisions, not having to answer to anyone but myself. Right now if I don't answer to her, I answer to you. Not that answering to you is a bad thing.
I know that it's only been 4 months. I know that we still have a lot to go through, and I know that the last four months should not in any way be definitive of what's to come.
But I guess you also scared me that night when you told me straight up that if I couldn't give you what you needed, you'd go.
And knowing that puts me on an edge. An edge that no matter how reassuring and wonderful you can be, I still have to check in every once in a while and make sure that you are happy.
I'm scared of losing you. Probably for the most selfish of reasons right now - that being that without you, there would've been no substantial point, no evidence of why I threw such a ruckus at home.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and while most of it goes around in circles, they all do stop at key points.
I want my independence.
I don't want to lose you.
This isn't really the life I had envisaged to live.
Your suggestion that after six months to a year, you move back out of the city and back down south. And that I should follow you. i.e live together.
And suddenly it seems like my life is all mapped out.
What happened to me living out on my own?
What happens to everything? You may well be ready to live out the rest of your days, but I'm definately not ready to settle.
I remember when we were at the wineries, and I looked across at you in the hotel room. You were getting ready to go out for dinner or something, and I was sitting in my chair watching you. And for a split second, the thought crossed my mind, what on earth am I doing here in this room with this man?
And while I didn't explore that thought coherently at the time, sometimes, I do try and lay the blueprints of that thought out for size, and try to apply it. Sometimes it sticks, but most often it doesn't. Probably because my mind isn't ready to assess the situation. It shies away from having to change anything.
Things seem to be all smooth sailing. I've started spending nights at your place, and you handed me a key to your apartment yesterday morning. I've already entrusted you my keycard pin (although there were pragmatic reasons for it at the time).
Sometimes though, I can't help but think to myself, 'what am I doing here?'
But at the very least, right now, I also know that I'm happy. That when I spend time with you, everything else disappears. And all that matters is soaking in as much of you as possible. Snuggling into you, holding you close, listening to all the crazy things that spout of your mouth. Be it the pantomime of the Runaway Mandarin, or simply telling me your observations about the current state of our office politics.
I love you. More than words can say. And right now, I know that you love me too. More than words can say. And while sometimes I also worry that you love me mainly for the sex that I provide, I am also gently reminded by you every once in a while that your love and care for me extends beyond that.
I found it reassuring last night, comforting even, when you agreed to my decision to not have dinner with your cousin tonight, and you said, "I probably wouldn't have allowed you anyway."
The fact that you care enough about my well-being.
I needed you so badly on the weekend after the operation on Friday. But for logistic and all other reasons I couldn't take comfort from you until Monday night. I guess I never realised how much I needed to talk to someone. And how easy it was to cry in your chest.
That quiet reassuring manner of yours, "you did the right thing baby."
Curled up beside you on the couch, the light from the lounge room lights sending out little warm pools of light, it felt so right and comforting to be there.
I was on the train coming into work this morning, and a line from a Garbage song came into my head: "I'm not like all the other girls." And while the context of that song is so different to the context that I was applying it to in my brain, those seven words do resound. Because as much as I'd like to deceive myself or wish that I
wasn't like all the other girls, in some ways, I am. I do want to shout from the rooftops how much I love this man. I do want to talk about him incessantly. I do want everyone to hear how much he cares for me, and how much I care for him in return. My cousin ironically points out, that while she was here, that for every question she asked me, I prefixed my response with 'well he [boyfriend] says..'
I guess I can't help but want to talk about him - since he's essentially the most important person in my life right now. He plays such a huge part. Yet at the same time, I dont' want to alienate all my friends, and the idea that I could change so drastically hits a strange spot in my inner psyche. Me, of the stoic, boys are just boys, could never be swayed by a man. Could never, based on one simple relationship turn 180 degrees and become everything that she always claimed she was not. She, of the 'those girls are such airheads', she could never lose her independence.
Ironically though, I also know that deep down inside all I'm really looking for is some inner validation.
It surprised me, the honesty he came out with the other night. That he needed me because I kept him focused on something. That I stopped him from having to deal with all the thoughts in his head, because sometimes he's just scared of himself. The fact that he told me that, stopped me from prying further. I felt so privileged to be let into that much of his thinking. Perhaps that is the wrong mentality to take. But often I feel like we respect each other too much. Or that, at the very least, from my perspective, I hesitate to pry. I have all these ingrained beliefs, which often seem to float belly up when presented with prospects like this one.
It begs the question sometimes, well, who on earth is me? Who is the real me? The one who argues that women should be independent and should never have her nose led by a man? The one who says that love is good as love does, but friends and family are here to stay? Or the one who when faced with her boyfriend leaving her, clings so desperately that she willingly goes into arguments with family over him? Who will lie and do whatever it takes in order to keep him? The one who makes her decisions based on whether her boyfriend will say yes or no? Who tries to second guess all his responses and acts accordingly? And quite rightly should he ever find out, he would get very upset and exasperated. Because all he wants is the real me.
He comforted me on Monday night, tellling me that I could be as scared as I want, that I don't need to be brave around him. I can just let it all go. How much of the little girl can he take though? When he tells me that he wants an adult relationship? When so often I discover that it's more little girl than woman in this emotional makeup? Three parts little girl, one part woman, if even that.
And then suddenly I no longer feel worthy. I feel so lucky to have him, and as I thought back over the past months yesterday, I wondered how lucky I was, and how did I even get him to fall for me in the first place.
I think he also has some of these thoughts running through his head. After all, he asked me today if I was glad that I'd said yes to the opera so long ago. I've never regretted a single moment with him. Yet, in my dark moments, I do wonder how this is going to end. Sometimes it seems like I'm setting myself up for the fall. Which is a silly way to live life.
Am I just looking the Happiness gift horse in the mouth? Or are my fears valid?
