Shying Butterfly
Lots of stuff happening this morning. Meeting with client got postponed until god knows when. I'm all suited up, pretty to boot, and have nowhere to show, nowhere to go. I feel like a chat, so I'm going to go all girly.Did my makeup on the train (a first), rushed to work and was reassured by reception that my eyes looked great. Also painted my nails on train (not a first), as I was trying my best to impress clients. And it is my first time meeting clients. May as well make the most of it. How often can I creep into this office in a full blown suit anyway? Shirt, skirt, shoes, stockings, jacket... last time I did something even resembling that, I got half amused/catty remarks from all the girls: "you look corporate today..." uhuh.
So I've got the full works today (in case I haven't said it already). And I'm rather proud of myself, if I do say so. Difficult to keep the lipstick in place though. Might need to work on that. And foundation has a tendency to leave face and get onto tissue when you're blowing your nose. Don't really know how to work on that one. And I have no idea when the client's going to rock up. For all I know, they might well decide to come in next week instead. It's Casual Friday, and I'm in a suit. *sigh*
Boyfriend's sick in bed (thanks to moi) and won't be turning up. Means I'm on comfort duty tonight. Don't know how good I am at beside nurse. I'm pretty bad when it comes to being nice in general. Ugh.
So I was thinking about a whole bunch of things last night. Boyfriend suggested we have a tropical holiday for a long weekend in June, oh wait, that's this month *sheepish smile*, for our five month anniversary. And suddenly I find myself quaking again.
I won the war. But I seem to constantly baulk from reaping the rewards. A holiday away is a big deal. And when we plan to take a day off work, instead of using the long weekend (cost purposes), well that makes it even more of a big deal.
Mum's getting resentful again. She was fairly catty last night and this morning. All about how we come from traditional roots, and she will follow tradition. How she doesn't care if we don't appreciate it. etc etc. That's not the case at all, and perhaps I haven't really made enough of an effort to show her that is the case. But then again, I'm too tired to fight. And maybe I'm falling back into the old pattern again.
Either way, at the rate things are going, perhaps the boyfriend will be the only one who pushes this relationship along. And I will be the one dragging her feet behind in the sand. Not unwilling to go, perhaps maybe even a bit grudgingly. Just a little cautious and hesitant - perhaps. And I wonder if he can live with that. Common sense tells me no, he won't.
And... we're back to square one.
How on earth can I make an easy situation difficult? It confounds and baffles me to no end.
These days, sometimes it's like I just have to grit my teeth and bear it. To be able to have moments like Tuesday evening, me sick as a dog in his bed, him coming home from work, sitting there caressing my head, telling me about his day. With the light from the bathroom backlighting his profile, and the light casting a warm glow around the doorway and down the hallway.
That'll be me tonight. It should be the reverse scenario when I get home. Him blithely correcting me when I told him I had to get home, "you are home." Yes, I am home.
Things will only get better from here eh? yeh, I guess. If I'd just shut up and fly straight. Quit thinking. Just plunge on ahead, grit my teeth and 'soldier on.' Horoscope says to just take a big step over the hurdles. Well I'm not going home tonight. Not to family, anyway.
That proposed holiday is in just over a fortnight though. Most probably the 18, 19 and 20th June. We have to be back for the following weekend though, because that's when the end of the film festival is. And I'm deadset on seeing Howl's Moving Castle. One of my all time favourite books from one of my all time favourite authors, Diana Wynne Jones. They're doing an anime version of it, and it's the closing film. If I see nothing at the festival this year, I have to see that movie. Which reminds me, I need to go and buy the tickets. I'm not about to turn up that night and be turned away.
But yeh, that holiday. How am I going to explain it to her? He's paying for everything. I mentioned my budget and he came back with, "I'll be paying, dufus." Flying on an airplane with you. Lying on the beach with you in an entirely different state. How totally strange, bizarre and removed.
I remember telling my best friend about him. How he gave me a silver brooch for a 3 month anniversary gift. And how later on he shook my wrist and wryly said, "It's been 90 days. There's no return on this one." And how my friend told me, "no one does that. No one buys a 3 months anniversary gift." You're right, least no one that I know. Especially not as the first gift they ever buy you. But for me, it was more the 90 day return policy that got me. What a novel way to see things. He has a way with words, that one. And the irony was, I never even saw it from that angle. An entirely new perspective. But then again, he always gives me new perspectives on everything.
Five month anniversary gift - three day tropical holiday (all expenses paid). Yeh, no one does that.
Knowing him from the outside, you would never guess he was such a sweet softie on the inside. I certainly never saw it. I think it's one of the things I love best about him though. Because perhaps I am also the same. Perhaps I feel a sense of kinship to that stoic facade on the outside and the inner soft underbelly.
He lets me be myself. Not like the previous one. Who once shockingly told me that the person he thought he was dating was far far different from the one he got. Even my first boyfriend noted the differences in my demeanour in a relationship, and outside of it. But in his case, he wanted to draw out and nurture the person he knew to be inside. This one though, in some ways, acts like he expected me to be as I was. We never need to talk about it. And while I may surprise him with my constant change of personality and undercurrents of change, he never questions it, but takes it all in stride. And what makes it even more wonderful is that he often goes that one step beyond me. I may be an idiot, but he's even more of an idiot. I may be soft, but he's a hell of a lot clingier. And that strangely makes me feel reassured and strong. I need the security of someone to love me. And while he may jokingly pout and say that I don't love him enough, often it is his very love that makes me love him.
Sometimes I question whether my love for him is genuine. But in the same vein, I also wonder how much of his love is genuine, and how much of it is need. Do you love me for the sex? For the idea that you have a pretty thing on your arm? Or is it because I keep the demons at bay? Makes you feel less lonely, and allows you to dream of a future that doesn't just have you in residence? What is love anyway? How can you define it?
Age-old questions, with no right answers.
Maybe we can get all philosophical and talk about love as being a construct of society. But i'm not in the mood to palavar over it.
Suffice to say I'm nervous. Nervous about all the big steps that we seem to be taking. Scared of the unknown. A little worried, needing some time to take that final breath and break away into my own life.
When I come home, I still feel the mantle of fear settle on my shoulders. Can't talk about him. Can't talk about this. Shouldn't talk about that. How will I tell her? It will be better if I tell her this instead. White lies fill my daily consciousness. Not really a way to live, is it?
I need to break this. I'm killing myself, when there really is no need to. He's my lifeboat, my lighthouse, my guide. I'm just a little boat bobbing in the ocean, and I think I'll let him throw me a line, and tug me into shore, buffet me against the winds and protect me from the storm.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:42 am
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