Tangental Butterfly
So like, I want to talk.Family's not getting any better, but I'm starting to accept that.
Just got off the phone with the boyfriend. Feel very talkative. Feel very connected to him. He told me some sweet truths today. The most current of which is - he doesn't want to live with his soon-to-be-divorcee-friend either.
"You are the only one I would be willing to live in the city for."
It reassured me in a strange way. That perhaps we do see eye to eye on most things. Of course I may simply be grasping for straws.
I've been harbouring some self-doubts about the relationship though. Last night I lay in bed wondering what I was doing there. Asking myself if I had in fact done the right thing, and wondering why I was lying in this man's bed, when an hour away, were two people who are related to me by blood, lying in their beds. Without me.
I have no answers.
If anything, all I have to go on, are the words and lines he says to me.
"You are my girl."And last night in response to my shock that my mother wasn't home last night to wait for my phone call telling her I'd be staying at his house for the evening, he prodded me and said,
"See? She doesn't need you to survive. She can live without you, and have her own life. I'm the only one that can't live without you."
. . .
"I'm the only one who can't live without you."
This, from a 34 year old man. Sometimes I wonder if I make too much about the age. I guess I've always had it in my head, or at the very least, I've had it in my head for a while now, that age matters. In my culture, heirarchy is a big thing. Not that I seem to care much about culture these days. All I seem to do is flout it. Or perhaps, just flout my mother's belief in our culture.
The boyfriend also made an interesting observation last night. That I am an open book. Easy to understand, for those who know how to read the signs. I think my best friend said something along those lines once. That if you know me well, you can tell what I'm thinking and how I feel. And when I asked him last night if it was a good or bad thing, he reassured me that it was a good thing. That it was a good way to live.
Ironically this also means that I would suck at my current dream job - to be a diplomat. I discovered rather disappointingly the other evening that my hopes of moving to the capital and making a name for myself by being a diplomat/ambassador just weren't possible. Sure I can lie. I can white lie myself out of practically any situation. But put the pressure and expectation of a country and its interests behind me, and I'll cave. Time and time again. My boyfriend watched amused as I came to this realisation. And he pointed out to me that I'm too honest to be a politican. Or in this case, a diplomat.
Looks like it's back to the drawing board, career wise. That or I could seriously consider becoming a media consultant. I seriously don't know what I would do if I couldn't write for a living. My friends also work for finance firms. And one of them explained their job duties to me the other day. If I had her job, I would scream, batten down the hatches and never come out. All she does is watch the stockmarket and email people. How utterly and completely boring.
At least I get to read and create.
Which brings me to another career path. I had hoped perhaps given sufficient time, that perhaps I could try my hand at being an academic. And I know, I know, despite all the pain I suffered doing my thesis (see archives September through to November) perhaps I could consider a PhD. And it seems that my boyfriend believes that I am a free spirit. A creative being who is too spritely, too energetic, too full of life to be tied down to the jetty of acadaemia.
I always find it interesting, no, actually I take that back. I find it fascinating, the things he sees in me. The things within me that have made him fall in love with me. He told a work colleague of ours (who no longer works with us anymore) that one of the things he loves best about me, is my ability and willingness to try. To experience everything that comes into my life. That I was full of life, and not afraid. Well, I guess he's got a point, and that perspective is true. Hell, he wouldn't be my boyfriend if I hadn't been willing to give him a shot based on the premise, 'why the hell not?' =P
But having said that, it seems that my photoblog alone was part of the reason he became so interested in me. Which I find kind've strange. Sure I have creative bones in my body. But I'm also aware that I have limits. That there are many people out there way more talented and much more focused than I. Perhaps the only two true things about the two blogs I keep is that they are true to me.
On one hand, this written blog allows me to put down all my inner thoughts and demons and assists in trying to sort out issues and put things into perspective, or at the very least become an outlet for all my inner angst, thereby allowing that emotional part of me to thrive (the very side that I often seek to suppress), the photoblog is up for my own inner pride. I take photos not to please people, I take them because I like the photos I take. And the site is simply a place for me to show them to people. I guess what I'm trying to get at, is that I maintain these two blogs for me, and me alone. And I'll be honest when I say that I'm kinda proud of that fact. The support I've received from both are no doubt encouraging as well.
But getting back to the point, or at least one of the tangents that I've been perusing tonight, is that I find it amusing, well, interesting really, that one of the things that my boyfriend pointed out to me months and months ago when I first asked him what peaked his interest in me, was my photoblog. He fell in love with my photos. Something in them must've spoken to him. And said something about me.
To be honest, I don't really know what my photos say about me. I just know what I like.
And perhaps I'm writing tonight simply to give myself an ego boost. Why? I don't know. Maybe dinner with the family tonight was a little harsh on my soul. Maybe I just want to feel good about myself, because I've been bogged down so badly lately by all the emotional baggage. Most of it self-induced, yes, but still.
I'm kinda all over the shop tonight. But I guess you kinda figured that out on your own.
Hey, like I said, I wanted to talk.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:25 pm
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