Fine Butterfly
Rarely has the sky looked quite like this. Saturn, Mercury, Venus and the Sun are forming a close conjunction. Look up, just after the sun sets and you'll see the three other planets slipping slowly down in the west behind it. Your ruler, Mercury, is most auspiciously positioned. Venus is imbuing it (and thus you) with charm and magnetism. Saturn, meanwhile, is providing support and strength. The Sun is bringing confidence. No matter what you face, how hard it seems, or how worried you may feel, you'll be fine.If I'm to believe my horoscope this week, things seem to be definately looking up. For a few moments this morning I thought I was totally being paranoid last night. Friend drove me home, and I spent the entire hour talking about the problems I was experiencing at home. Course, other than the fact that we're close friends, the fact that I was drunk on red wine, might well have helped me loose my tongue.
Either way, things didn't seem as extreme as I had thought them to be on the weekend. Except, when I bit the bullet and told mum I wasn't coming home for dinner tonight because I was going to trivia, I noticed an edge of hysteria in her voice as she said 'ok.'
To which I wonder, how much of everything is a facade? I know she loves me. This much is true. But sometimes I get the impression that she just can't handle the choices I've made in my life. And I think she also feels discarded. Like I no longer want her to be a part of my life. Which probably holds some kernals of truth. But at the end of the day, I'm still the same person I was before I started going out with my boyfriend. Family is still important to me.
It's just that after these five months, all I feel is tired. I no longer want to try and please everyone. I just want to be happy. I want to feel the freedom that comes with making your own decisions without having to worry about how they will impact on others, or more specifically, whether my mother will approve of the decisions I make. That is all.
Sometimes I wonder if it's bad that I'm not making more of an effort. But to be frank, all I really want to do is honestly just run away. Run away from these problems and just go about my life. Had another honest talk with my boyfriend last night about moving out, etc. There is an opportunity there for me, if I choose to take it. But at the same time, I don't want to be too bound to him yet. Which means I have to bite the bullet and just stay at home for a little while longer. I also need to fix up my finances. I need to take more of an interest in all of this. Sort out my life. Make sure I have enough money to keep me going. Stop spending so much.
I think no matter how much I angst about all of this, at the end of the day I know deep down that things will sort them out. I think I've already found my path. I'm just going through the motions. Taking each day as it comes. But to be honest, I think I really already know what's going to happen. There are things that I'm hoping will happen, and there are things that I wonder if they will in fact come to pass.
Until then all I can do is sit here and type away, complaining about my sorry state of affairs, and wish for greener pastures. But deep down, I know that it's all just for show. I know the score. No matter the fun I have in planning for things that may or may not come to pass, I know where everything sits.
Yes, I'll be fine. Just let me sit here and vent every once in a while.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:20 am
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