Advancing Butterfly
I had a chat with a friend last night. She carefully reminded me that I'm not the only one who goes through all these troubles. What I'm going through is life, and as much as I moan and complain and worry, fact of the matter is, millions of people are going through exactly the same thing. It's not just me.So I'm walking to work this morning and get hit with the most obvious facts - I'm 23. I'm an adult. It's time to live my life. He's been telling me these things for months now. But I think it's finally starting to sink in. If I don't start living now, when will I?
Maybe it is all true - and all my problems and worries are just me getting freaked out and not wanting to grow up. Because, hey, everyone else has to.
And while it does scare me tremendously when a 34 year old man tells you that you're "the one" for him, when marriage is potentially on the cards, I guess I should also try and put everything into perspective.
Yes, I know that I'm not ready to settle down - not by any means. At the same time, I honestly love every moment that I spend with him. Which means perhaps all I have to do is wait. Sit this out and see where it goes. Sit it out and see how deep my love for him goes, and maybe it will turn out right like he's hoping. By staying where he is right now, six months, give or take, will hopefully give me time to reassess, and figure out if this is really where I want to be. Stop worrying so much, and just enjoy the ride.
All that's supposed to matter is that I keep happy, right? As long as the underlying baseline is that I'm happy, then everything else should technically fall into place. Put my faith and trust down, believe that while he may be selfish in his needs and desires for me, at the same time, nothing he does will ever harm me. He just wants me to be happy. And more importantly, I just want myself to be happy.
No more angsty arguments. No more fights over my independence/freedom. Just everything falling into its rightful place. Just me living life.
Happiness.
What a made up word. Or maybe more specifically, what a loaded word. Just like 'love.'
...Here's to happiness. And all its wondrous trappings. To love, in all its angsty forms. To life. And all that comes with it.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:19 am
7 Comments:
You know what I've always wondered ever since I started reading this blog?
Are your ex or your current beau aware of such a blog existing?
To be honest, I've struggled with that thought myself.
Not that I know of, no. I used to wish my ex knew about it. There were, well there still are, key clues to find me - if he so chose to.
As to my current boyfriend, I've never told him. But he's caught me on this page before. But I doubt he's gone looking it up.
I mean, this blog in every sense is just an online diary for me. A place for me to vent and reassure myself or whatever.
I've always worried that perhaps I've crossed the line a bit though. Privacy and all that. But I figured, since this was all from my perspective, my own observation and insight, it would be ok.
But, it would probably not be a bad thing to let the bf know of this blog's existence huh? At the same time, a diary is a diary. No one's required to tell another the existence of a diary.
I'm curious - what are your thoughts on this?
To be honest, I'd be lying if I said to keep it hush hush... Human nature demands conflict, like a good action movie (not wanting to gain out of your misery or anything ;) jk)
But I wouldn't really bother telling the ex nor the current bf. Like you said it is your diary, and I reckon once you've confirmed he knows about this blog, you'll be alot less inclined to divuldge details being a whole lot more self conscious.
You know what, no wonder I like reading your blog. It just hit me as you said it, it's like finding someones diary and secretly peering through the pages. Glad you don't mind :)
You haven't really broken anybodies privacy, since no names were mentioned and I'm fairly confident Enigmatic Butterfly isn't your genuine name :)
ps. Like any good soap opera, it seems like your life is building towards a climax (again). Lets hope its a good climax this time ay
Good luck
Sorry, Anon is me (clicked the wrong button)
*bemused smile*
I agree with you. If I knew that he knew that I had a blog where he was a constant feature in it, I would end up censoring a lot more. It'd naturally be different if I didn't know that he knew that I had a blog and that he knew I didn't know that he was reading it.
I mean it's bad enough these days, knowing that I have one friend who knows me well, who knows of and sometimes reads this blog.
There are times though, when I post, and I wish that my boyfriend could read some of it. To know certain things that I'm thinking or feeling.
At the same time, I'm also very hesitant, because there is stuff on this blog that I wouldn't want him to know about. Things that would guarantee to cause arguments and misunderstandings.
And of course, having said all that, most of the time, this blog turns into a place for me to iron out the problems, or identify the demons in my life and try to face them in reality. i.e. often much of the discussion here gets rehashed and presented to my boyfriend at some time or other.
It's funny how people work though. How we *say* that everything is ok, but how deep down we sometimes still hold some resentments. Sometimes it's easier pretending to agree and what not.
Personally I would definately prefer not to tell him. Although there probably is an ethical or moral reason to. I mean, how would you feel if your boyfriend or girlfriend wrote all manner of stuff about you and your relationship online?
But again, it's all down to a matter of perspective. No one knows who I am, and I'm not about to stick up a detailed profile here. It's all anonymous in its own way. And I'm guessing you'd have to seriously know who I was before you could figure out who the people I was talking about were.
As to writing an online diary, it took me a while to actually get up the courage to write this blog in the first place. When I first contemplated this blog, I baulked at the idea of having my thoughts accessible to god knows who and what online. At the same time, as I was trying to decide, I think the misery I was in overrode everything. To the point where I convinced myself, there's no harm. I mean, after all, even though you don't want people to know about the inner you, often you crave feedback or at the very least some validation of that inner you. And knowing that people will read it, if they so choose to or whatever, in my case, strangely gives me a sense of peace.
LOL. As to your prediction of my life building towards another climax... that must be a third person perspective. I certainly don't see anything. Like I said the other day, it all seems like smooth sailing hereon out. But then again, as Zan in one of his recent blogs quoted, 'nothing is certain in life, except that everything is uncertain.'
*grin*
Here's food for thought...
This could go both ways, imagine your boyfriend pouring out his heart on his own blog. Wouldn't you love to sift through every single little post and read through it word for word over and over again.
Tough one this one, I stupidly told my peers about my blog which then made me resort to posting useless information. If I had a choice again, I'd keep it personal.
But I know exactly where your coming from... There's something very re-assuring when a stranger supports your opinions or even gives a little advice. You can confidently rely on a strangers opinion knowing they hold an unbiased stance.
Very true. But what I tend to find is that guys don't sift and analyse things like girls do.
Whereas I would absolutely LOVE to dabble into my boyfriend's mental meanderings, at the same time, I doubt he'd read everything correctly that he found on this blog. That's the problem with too much information some times. It's also a case in point about the art of omission.
At the same time, maybe it's also a fear of loss of control. To some extent I can control what he sees or hears and in some ways, learns about me.
But when you're brutally honest and spill your guts out, it's not the same. You have no control over the judgements he makes.
Ignorance is bliss. Maybe one day when this is all secure or whatever, I might tell him that I have a blog. But I doubt that will be any time soon.
I'm going off to meet my first client this morning. Wish me luck! I'll be posting up a new entry in the afternoon, in case you want to wait around.
=)
Post a Comment
<< Home