Mothering Butterfly
Sometimes I feel like, or I know, that my mother doesn't mean to be overprotective. Her situation has caused a lot of her perspectives on family and life to change.She once told me that if she had the choice and was in a financially strong situation I would've been able to move out and live my own life a long time ago. But the situation as it is doesn't allow me to do that. I'm required to put food on the table. It's too difficult without my input. Which is fair, after all, family is family. I see no problem in contributing. It's just that at the same time, sometimes I feel trapped by it all. I can't move out if I have to give half my salary to home. I can't afford to. And I'm so not ready to move in with my boyfriend. Especially when he's so serious about this relationship. I need space and time to be learn to be my own individual.
My mother I think tries her best not to judge. And I think ideally she would like me to just talk to her. But perhaps there's also some miscommunication on my side. I've never felt at ease talking to her about my relationships. I know how much she worries. And that worry sometimes lends itself to overconcern. She's fairly critical and I'm too sensitive and not strong enough to stand against it.
I was sitting at home last night, thinking, 'this situation is so ridiculous.' If she would only accept the facts and move on, things would be so much better. I guess part of the problem is my mindset. That I think she's constantly judging when perhaps she's not. I guess I just need a place that makes me feel welcome. And I don't feel welcome anymore. She shuts me out.
I see the differences between the way she treats me and the way she treats my brother. And it hurts. I feel neglected. Perhaps it's part and parcel with what I asked for - her stopping meddling with my affairs - but to be honest, all I really feel is left out. She doesn't talk to me anymore. She has her own life which she is gradually cutting me out of.
And I'm too tired to make the extra mile. Which probably isn't fair on her either. How can I expect her to make all the moves? But I've been so tied up in trying to make everyone happy but myself, that these days it's enough of a break just to take care of myself and my own needs.
Ideally I want her to be supportive and caring and welcoming at home, while I go and lark about with my own life. But hey, you can't have everything right? You make do with the best that you can, and leave it at that. And it's not that I don't know that she cares. I came home last night, albeit late, due to work stuff, to find she'd made crab for dinner - my favourite.
I remember her telling me two weeks ago that it wasn't so much my problem these days. It was just that suddenly she discovered she didn't have anything to say to me. No words.
How did it all fall apart like this? Was it my fault? For not breaking it to her gently enough? For not realising that I had all the freedoms? Have I been inconsiderate? That I just had to break things to her gently? But as my boyfriend once said to me, "you don't need this." And he's right, there's no reason to be doing any of this. I'm 23. When is she going to let go? Why do I have to explain everything to her? Why do I have to jump through all these hoops and go through all this supposed emotional blackmail? Or am I missing the entire point? Am I just viewing things from the inside out and not taking everything into account? I know my situation isn't the worse that a person can be in. I know that I'm very lucky in comparison to many. That this isn't the worst stumbling block yet. At the same time, I can't help but wish sometimes that things could be easier.
Perhaps patience is all that is required. Patience and time to heal all wounds. But that doesn't mean I should stop enjoying myself right? I can't constantly be tied down to her moods. The only person I'm responsible for is myself. The only responsibility I have in this world is to make myself happy. Because no one else will. No one else is required to. If I can't make myself happy, how on earth is anyone else supposed to?
I've come this far. I may as well go the rest.
Or as my best friend pointed out to me the other day, I've already stepped into the mud. May as well wallow in it.
I've already got my shoes wet. May as well go the whole hog eh?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:39 am
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