Waiting Butterfly
Your situation IS improving. The trouble is, you yearn to encounter some wish-granting genie, fairy or leprechaun. You don't feel at all inclined to wait for a slow, natural process to unfold. This is mainly because you do not feel confident. You suspect that things could be getting worse rather than better. In the absence of some magical, instant cure, you had better develop more faith in your own instincts. These ARE good. You may not have a map, but you do, intuitively, know which direction you want to head in. And you are absolutely right.
Alrighty then. Here goes..
Had a chat with him last night about how difficult things are at home sometimes. It was nice to be honest about things. And even though he was sick and probably a bit muddle-headed (i.e. not awake enough to give me proper advice), it still felt good to talk to him about it.
"There is no right or wrong." he tells me.
I don't know.
"Things will get better. They won't be the same. Things change. But it also doesn't mean that things will always be like this."
I trust his judgment. I honestly do. I wonder sometimes if it's wrong of me to place so much trust in a person. If I've gone and done the unthinkable, and put him on a pedstal. And how wrong that would be.
But it's so easy to place trust in someone you love. And he honestly hasn't really disappointed me. For every moment that I don't feel right about something, given time he bounces back and proves me wrong.
"Tell me if I ever don't treat you right."
Yeh, but how?
Not that he doesn't treat me right. If anything, one of the only thorns in my side (and let's be honest here, this is a fairly small one) is money.
I don't like talking about money. When he tells me that he'll pay me back and forgets. It's not intentional, I know. But I can't help it. I don't want to appear petty or anything. But I can't really afford to constantly give out 50s.
But I don't feel right bringing money up all the time. Especially when he spends hundreds of dollars on me. Our fancy dinners don't come cheap. 20 dollars an entree, 30 dollars a main. 15 dollars a desser, 20 dollars a bottle of wine. Around 200 dollars for two. Lunch yesterday was 35 for food alone. And then there's the concerts, operas, and trips away...
So who am I to really complain about the fifty dollar duty free alcohol, or the fifty dollar contribution to a 300 dollar television, or even fifty dollars for a 99 dollar hotel room in the Hunter that he originally offered to pay the full room for? It seems pretty reasonable to ask me to contribute right?
So in regards to my horoscope for the day, I guess all I really need to do is be patient huh? Patience is as patience does. But I guess they're right. And I think deep down I already knew this. That things don't change all at once. They take time. But at the very least, right now, I know that I am happy. Happy, lucky, and very much loved.
And perhaps, that's all I really need.
..perhaps.
I guess part of the question is also, what path is it that I want to take? Where does my head want to lead? Where am I going, and why? What is it I want?
Things are starting to settle between us, and sometimes I wonder if that's a good or bad thing. When I start to worry that things will get boring. I'm not really the type to problem solve. I'm not the type to put my thoughts out on the table and hope that he will change. I don't like giving people second chances like that.
So how is this going? Sometimes I wish and want us to go back to the first two, three months when we were just starting to get to know each other. Last night he said to me, if he had been in my position when he'd told me that he loved me, his reaction would've been the same as mine. Probably even more freaked out. Think about it. A guy declares his undying love to you two/three weeks after going out with you. Actually, probably closer to two.
Us sleeping together was fast enough. Within the first week. And a week after that, he turns around in the car just before I get out:
"one more thing, I love you."
I mean, how do you expect a girl to respond to that? More importantly, what do you expect me to say? Especially when you were under the impression that we were just trying it all out. That we were testing the waters. That both of us were just doing this for the 'what the hey, why not' factor.
And suddenly, he fell in love. To be honest, I think he fell in love the first night we were together. When afterwards he stared up at the ceiling and muttered half to himself, and half aloud in wonderment, "I never thought I'd ever feel this way."
You seemed to be so overwhelemed by your feelings for me.
And in that instant I had my suspicions. Whereas, I, I held back a little. Tried to remain cautious. And as always tried my best to keep an open mind. And then that Valentines Day, you looking across from me telling me that you didn't feel yourself to be worthy of me. You, a grown man. Not worthy of immature, insecure, crazy little me? What has the world come to? I was so touched to hear those words from you.
By the time we had our first real argument over my family situation and the direction my life was taking, suddenly we were arguing marriage.
"Are you saying that if I asked you to marry me sometime in the next two years you'd say no?"
That line took my breath away. It shook me so badly, I had trouble breathing. And there I was thinking 'natural progression' in a relationship meant the step between sleeping with someone, and spending time with someone. What the hell did I know? And this was all pretty much a month later.
Things have been nothing if not turbulent for us. This is the quietest or most mellowest it's been for us so far. Five months in.
And last night: "Call me crazy, but I think we can do another five months."
Or something like that.
I think we can too. When I mention the rate our relationship progressed you sometimes ask me if I feel a little bored. And each and everytime I say no. But sometimes I'll be honest. Lately, I sometimes wonder if this is it. If now that we've reached this plateau, if we're just going to stay here. And if it will in fact get boring.
Life has a funny way of throwing you curve balls. The last one brought you into my life. I don't want to be responsible for leaving you. But I don't really know how I would take it if you turned around one day and told me that it was all over.
You once told me when we first started going out with each other, how, you knew how much you cared for someone, when you knew how much you got scared of losing them.
Sometimes I wonder if my love for you is genuine. If it is 'love' in it's purest form, or if it's a love that stems from someone offering me something to fill in a gap in my emotional life. You make me feel complete. You fill this empty spot in my heart. You keep the fire stoked and create this sense of warmth. I feel nothing if not wanted and reassured. You fill this part of me that needed filling. You make me feel good about myself. You make me feel like a complete person. I stop feeling loathsome. I stop feeling like I'm desperately scrabbling for a foothold. You give me a firm and stable base upon which to start from. You make things look a lot easier. You bring a light into my life.
And then I wonder if I am just taking advantage of you.
Your birthday's coming up, and I have no idea what to get you. I don't even know where to begin. And again I feel like I'm playing the Game. The one where you try your best to endear yourself to the other. Where you seek to find what it is that makes them tick, that pushes their buttons, that unhinges them and makes them yours. And then I feel sick and manipulative. But it doesn't mean that I can stop. Because I can't stop.
Isn't it loving a person means you never have to think twice? That you can just go out there and do crazy stuff because you love them? Money, time, all manner of material things mean nothing in the face of love, and picking presents and making a person happy is supposed to come easily. But it doesn't seem like that sometimes. And when that's the case, I wonder if I really have done the right thing..?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:31 am
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