Coveting Butterfly
If I could wrap you up and turn you into something that I could take out of a box and look at and hold, I would.You are adorable in every sense of the word.
Having lunch with you today, sharing time with you, that's all I need.
Monday night curled up on the couch cuddling you while we watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Clutching my tummy and struggling not to laugh coz it hurts when I do, as we followed it up with the lighthearted Meet the Fockers.
It was one of the more memorable moments with you. Where it felt like I had taken a meaty sized bite, and was savouring the moment. It's one where I can take it apart, piece by piece and appreciate it from every angle.
You're such a child. Sticking your tongue at me from across the bank foyer, pretending that no one can see you do it, while you open a bank account. Putting on a shocked face when I return it in kind.
Mimicking a mandarin as it rolls away from me, coz no mandarin wants to be eaten by me. You're such a silly silly man. And I feel so blessed and lucky to have you in my life.
Or as you say, "we're both lucky to have each other." Yes we are - especially if this is going to last.
At the same time though, I have to admit that there are little demons floating around in my subconcious.
What if, at the end of the day I feel that you trap me? That because of you I never get to experience the freedom that comes from being on your own? I want to be able to live a life, where I get to be independenet - like truly independent. Living out on my own, making my own decisions, not having to answer to anyone but myself. Right now if I don't answer to her, I answer to you. Not that answering to you is a bad thing.
I know that it's only been 4 months. I know that we still have a lot to go through, and I know that the last four months should not in any way be definitive of what's to come.
But I guess you also scared me that night when you told me straight up that if I couldn't give you what you needed, you'd go.
And knowing that puts me on an edge. An edge that no matter how reassuring and wonderful you can be, I still have to check in every once in a while and make sure that you are happy.
I'm scared of losing you. Probably for the most selfish of reasons right now - that being that without you, there would've been no substantial point, no evidence of why I threw such a ruckus at home.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and while most of it goes around in circles, they all do stop at key points.
I want my independence.
I don't want to lose you.
This isn't really the life I had envisaged to live.
Your suggestion that after six months to a year, you move back out of the city and back down south. And that I should follow you. i.e live together.
And suddenly it seems like my life is all mapped out.
What happened to me living out on my own?
What happens to everything? You may well be ready to live out the rest of your days, but I'm definately not ready to settle.
I remember when we were at the wineries, and I looked across at you in the hotel room. You were getting ready to go out for dinner or something, and I was sitting in my chair watching you. And for a split second, the thought crossed my mind, what on earth am I doing here in this room with this man?
And while I didn't explore that thought coherently at the time, sometimes, I do try and lay the blueprints of that thought out for size, and try to apply it. Sometimes it sticks, but most often it doesn't. Probably because my mind isn't ready to assess the situation. It shies away from having to change anything.
Things seem to be all smooth sailing. I've started spending nights at your place, and you handed me a key to your apartment yesterday morning. I've already entrusted you my keycard pin (although there were pragmatic reasons for it at the time).
Sometimes though, I can't help but think to myself, 'what am I doing here?'
But at the very least, right now, I also know that I'm happy. That when I spend time with you, everything else disappears. And all that matters is soaking in as much of you as possible. Snuggling into you, holding you close, listening to all the crazy things that spout of your mouth. Be it the pantomime of the Runaway Mandarin, or simply telling me your observations about the current state of our office politics.
I love you. More than words can say. And right now, I know that you love me too. More than words can say. And while sometimes I also worry that you love me mainly for the sex that I provide, I am also gently reminded by you every once in a while that your love and care for me extends beyond that.
I found it reassuring last night, comforting even, when you agreed to my decision to not have dinner with your cousin tonight, and you said, "I probably wouldn't have allowed you anyway."
The fact that you care enough about my well-being.
I needed you so badly on the weekend after the operation on Friday. But for logistic and all other reasons I couldn't take comfort from you until Monday night. I guess I never realised how much I needed to talk to someone. And how easy it was to cry in your chest.
That quiet reassuring manner of yours, "you did the right thing baby."
Curled up beside you on the couch, the light from the lounge room lights sending out little warm pools of light, it felt so right and comforting to be there.
I was on the train coming into work this morning, and a line from a Garbage song came into my head: "I'm not like all the other girls." And while the context of that song is so different to the context that I was applying it to in my brain, those seven words do resound. Because as much as I'd like to deceive myself or wish that I wasn't like all the other girls, in some ways, I am. I do want to shout from the rooftops how much I love this man. I do want to talk about him incessantly. I do want everyone to hear how much he cares for me, and how much I care for him in return. My cousin ironically points out, that while she was here, that for every question she asked me, I prefixed my response with 'well he [boyfriend] says..'
I guess I can't help but want to talk about him - since he's essentially the most important person in my life right now. He plays such a huge part. Yet at the same time, I dont' want to alienate all my friends, and the idea that I could change so drastically hits a strange spot in my inner psyche. Me, of the stoic, boys are just boys, could never be swayed by a man. Could never, based on one simple relationship turn 180 degrees and become everything that she always claimed she was not. She, of the 'those girls are such airheads', she could never lose her independence.
Ironically though, I also know that deep down inside all I'm really looking for is some inner validation.
It surprised me, the honesty he came out with the other night. That he needed me because I kept him focused on something. That I stopped him from having to deal with all the thoughts in his head, because sometimes he's just scared of himself. The fact that he told me that, stopped me from prying further. I felt so privileged to be let into that much of his thinking. Perhaps that is the wrong mentality to take. But often I feel like we respect each other too much. Or that, at the very least, from my perspective, I hesitate to pry. I have all these ingrained beliefs, which often seem to float belly up when presented with prospects like this one.
It begs the question sometimes, well, who on earth is me? Who is the real me? The one who argues that women should be independent and should never have her nose led by a man? The one who says that love is good as love does, but friends and family are here to stay? Or the one who when faced with her boyfriend leaving her, clings so desperately that she willingly goes into arguments with family over him? Who will lie and do whatever it takes in order to keep him? The one who makes her decisions based on whether her boyfriend will say yes or no? Who tries to second guess all his responses and acts accordingly? And quite rightly should he ever find out, he would get very upset and exasperated. Because all he wants is the real me.
He comforted me on Monday night, tellling me that I could be as scared as I want, that I don't need to be brave around him. I can just let it all go. How much of the little girl can he take though? When he tells me that he wants an adult relationship? When so often I discover that it's more little girl than woman in this emotional makeup? Three parts little girl, one part woman, if even that.
And then suddenly I no longer feel worthy. I feel so lucky to have him, and as I thought back over the past months yesterday, I wondered how lucky I was, and how did I even get him to fall for me in the first place.
I think he also has some of these thoughts running through his head. After all, he asked me today if I was glad that I'd said yes to the opera so long ago. I've never regretted a single moment with him. Yet, in my dark moments, I do wonder how this is going to end. Sometimes it seems like I'm setting myself up for the fall. Which is a silly way to live life.
Am I just looking the Happiness gift horse in the mouth? Or are my fears valid?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 2:20 pm
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