Exhausted Butterfly
Just completed a report. One of those killer reports that sap up all your life force and leave you wasted. Looking at the work schedule, it only took 18 days. Felt more like a month though, if you ask me.There were days where I'd sit in front of my computer and just not want to be there. Where I'd sit down and then get back up. Where I couldn't stand to sit there. Couldn't stand to read, couldn't stand to write.
Well, it's all done now.
Over.
Finito.
Kaput.
Completed half an hour before deadline, and it feels good. Sure, I took it home to work on during the weekend (read, overtime).Sure, I haven't taken my lunch hour for the last five days (read, overtime). Sure, I took it home on various nights to get articles translated (read, overtime). So what if I don't get paid extra (read, overtime)? and I've got a throbbing headache? Big deal.
Least it's all over. Come tomorrow, I'm back on one of my regular quarterly reports - yaay.
*sigh*
Feeling a bit wacky. Feelin' a bit woozy. My lunch today consisted of one packet of tomato and basil pretzels, and a cappuccino from this morning - with 4 sugars. I'm a wuss, what can I say?
=P
On the relationship front - going out to trivia night. Just the two of us =)
We're not going on the tropical holiday he promised. He's got legit and fair reasons. Been feeling a bit down and depressed about it though to be honest. But I'll give him credit. This the first time he's gone back on something he's promised, and this is the end of Month 4. Come Wednesday, we'll have been going out for five months. In comparison (even though I know I shouldn't compare relationships) my ex used to disappoint me on a constant basis to the point where the bitter taste of disappointment was a constant on my emotional palate.
Either way, it's petty of me to get upset. On the other hand, I need to figure out what's going to happen this weekend, since I took my waitressing night off. I'd like to go out and do something, rather than spend it in. But I'm sure we'll discuss it and sort it all out in time.
I realised something about mum yesterday though. Something that perhaps I haven't gotten around to mentioning here. I think the thing that struck me on the weekend was how even though mum and I are no longer battling wills and whatnot, we still don't really understand each other. Her idea of showing me that she cares is to comment on my life. In retrospect it all seems reasonable. But every time she opens her mouth all I hear is chastisement.
I was driving on Saturday afternoon, and mum came out with, 'whenever you make decisions, always be aware of the consequences. When you were young, I would always take consequences into account. But you're a woman now. You have to make your own decisions. And you have to be considerate of others, otherwise you will suffer the consequences.'
I took it as, 'what are you trying to say?' I mean, in my mind, all I heard was, 'you made your decision. Now go lie in it. I am not happy with your decision, and you're going to suffer the consequences. You still have time to change your mind. But it's all your fault.' Or something like that.
When I started getting defensive, she in turn got defensive and started muttering something about how I didn't even want to hear what she had to say, and how she wasn't even allowed to say her two cents worth.
Looking back on it later, I realised perhaps she was just trying to give me motherly advice.
But see, I took it the wrong way. I read it as a judgement call on my current actions. Despite the fact that she tells me she never judges - especially not her own daughter.
I guess I'm just very sensitive to her moods. And no matter that I choose the life I live right now, when she constantly reminds me to watch the consequences, I still find myself censoring my own actions. I wish I had the courage, I wish I had the gall to just bite the bullet and break ties. Burn a few bridges and go my own way. But somehow, I can't do it. I find myself still tied in some strange way to her apron strings.
And sometimes when I note how alone I really am, I realise that my boyfriend is my only lifeboat. Without him, I am nothing. Without him to justify my actions, without him to justify my existence, I am nothing.
Pretty pathetic, huh?
Who would've thunk it?
He said the sweetest thing to me the other night though. Perhaps so cliched, but to me, still special.
"You are my better half."
Me? 23 year old, insecure, immature, me? You're the 34 year old man, who knows what he wants and won't stop until he gets it. Who puts down the ultimatums and conditions. Who tells me as it is, and won't take no for an answer. How can I be your better half? When you have so much more life experience under your belt? When I know nothing and barely know myself? When I continually make a mockery of my family, and seemingly continuous faux pas at work, at home, in my social life?
I played soccer with my work mates last week (don't ask) and as the game progressed, I found myself experiencing something that made me realise something. I honestly do not like being in situations where I have no confidence or skill. I don't like feeling or knowing that I am inferior. I would prefer to stop, than to continue and prove my inability.
I suck at soccer. In fact, I suck at most sports. This wouldn't necessarily stop me from practising until I improved my skills. If anything, my bad game skills means I would intentionally go out to improve them. What I'm trying to get at though, is that halfway through that game, I didn't want to play anymore. I didn't want them to see how bad I was. I felt like I was on show (when perhaps I probably wasn't) and I didn't want to look so bad.
And in the same vein, I think that thinking pervades most aspects of my life. I don't like being in situations where I feel young. Where I feel inexperienced. I will do anything I can, I am willing to learn, to practice, do whatever it takes, in order to do better. But at the same time, I also do not like showing my weaknesses.
At the very least I feel good about myself, knowing that given the opportunity I am always willing to improve. To learn. To change.
I am so tired and exhausted...
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 5:05 pm
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