Capitulating Butterfly
This week's forecast:You feel that, against your better judgement you have been pressured into letting something happen. Now, it is clear that it has not had the promised result. Indeed, it would seem very much as if your worst fears are being realised. How could you have been so weak? Weak? You were not weak. You were wise. You had no other option and you will yet be glad that things occurred as they did. For now, a point has been proved. Though it may take a while for others to acknowledge this and to invest you with the respect that you deserve, a moment of vindication is coming.I wonder how much truth is in that forecast. Lately I have in fact been wondering if my decision to follow my boyfriend's wants and needs was in fact a sign of my weakness. If perhaps my fear of being left alone, my fear or rejection and all the psychological mental and emotional baggage left by my father coagulated and influenced my actions and by proxy assisted in creating this major uproar at home to the point where I no longer have anywhere to really call home.
Mum goes through her up and downs. But it doesn't mean I'll change my behaviour. As a matter of fact, I like spending time with my boyfriend. Even more to the point, I have discovered, albeit a little late, that I dislike going home alone on the trains at 11 at night. It's scary, dangerous, and very lonely. When I know that instead of doing that and then forking out ten dollars for a taxi, I could be cuddled up nice and warm beside my boyfriend on the couch in his apartment, or maybe snuggling in bed.
I went out to dinner with him the other night. It was one of the best nights I'd had out in a long time. It made The List. The food was great. The company divine. And of course, the fact that I consumed (what's considered for me as) copious amounts of alcohol, meant I had a fairly enjoyable time.
One and a half glasses of red wine, and a complimentary sorbet and vodka shot, on top of the vodka and cranberry that I'd had earlier in the evening with co-workers. Oh, and is this where I mention that I get very talkative on alcohol? I think he found the night quite amusing. I caught a few bemused smiles on his face as I waxed and waned on the concept of ownership and how 'western' it is. To which I was surprised how eager he was to jump on the Native Title Act and Terra Nullius.
Sometimes I wonder if given time we will in fact come to know each other any better, and still like the other. I've noticed the dynamics of our relationship change over the last month. Since I started staying over, it's been like this huge step. At least in my book. And while I was always comfortable in his presence, in some ways it feels a bit like the excitement is dying down.
Of course, after the boat rocked to the point of nearly capsizing last time, naturally I feel a little shaken. And obviously things can't return back to the way they were before. Big steps are big steps. And I know and felt his support for me. Even though I stupidly tried to be brave and push him away. Perhaps it made us closer to each other. I'm not sure. But at the very least he told me the other day that he's no longer as scared as he used to be that he'd never see me or spend time with me. Which is a good thing.
But the price I've paid is fairly high. He's an impatient man when it comes to certain things. And the result is that I capitulate to lots of his demands. I know that there was probably a much better way to sort out home. But I didn't handle it right. And now I'm in a situation where my mother can't accept the decisions I've made, while still loving me desperately. Meanwhile, I take endless rides at the latest emotional funpark.
I see her desperately trying to accept and hold onto her sanity. She goes out a lot more, and I get the feeling she goes out with friends to try and forget. She tries to forge her own life. Which is what I want her to do. But she does it more out of bitterness than anything else. But I can't solve that problem for her. It's her own battle to fight. All I can do is be happy. As my counsellor once told me - your only responsibility is to yourself. No one else. You can't be responsible for other people's happiness. It's just not possible.
And my boyfriend is the same. "I'm going to beat it out of you" he jokingly says to me. Beat out this belief that I need to do things to make him happy, to the point where my own needs come second.
I have inner demons. Troubles and issues. I'm not well-adjusted at all. I just learnt over the years to build up a facade that implied I was. To all those who first meet me, they find me a self-confident, assured young woman. Who is happy with who she is, and not afraid to stand for her beliefs. Who is not swayed by popular culture, image, or other such superficial artifices.
When in fact, deep down I am scared. I'm terrified that if I don't present this confident persona, that people will reject me. So I seek out to find out what the 'ideal' person for these people are, and I project that persona outwards. It makes for a lengthy deception. And when the person gets close enough, my boyfriend for example, they suddenly discover parts of the real me. And that's when the trouble starts. Because that's when I start worrying. What if they don't like me? What if they are disgusted with what they find?
A consumer junkie who defines herself by other people's ideals? Who has no sense of who she is, and will often go with the flow, while intermittantly being different for the principle of the thing, rather than for true honesty. In other words, it's just my stubborness that stops me from being the Lemming of All Lemmings.
Deep down I'm a conformist at heart. While my boyfriend is one of those often-despised stirrers. Who will stand up and fight for what he believes is right. While on paper that sounds grandiose and honourable, what I find interesting is that sometimes the things that he chooses to fight for, I can't be bothered.
I think that is a strong part of who I am. Accepting that other people have their opinions and beliefs, and accepting them as they are. Because it's easier for me to accept them, than it is for them to do the same for me. If I fit into their view of the world, then it's easier to live in their world than to get them to try and live in mine. Hell, they might find out that my world isn't suited. And if that's the case, they may well decide to leave! And we can't have that...
I just wonder sometimes if my decision to 'live life' the way my boyfriend sees life is in fact the right way to go about it. When my mother, the woman who is supposed to look out for you and take care of you and make sure you don't fall down, so disapproves.
I'm so confused. So scared. So anxious. So worried. So deathly afraid that the life I've chosen is going to roll out one day with me looking back and thinking 'my life essentially amounted to nothing.'
So far looking back, it has all essentially been smooth sailing. Despite everything. And it's all my mother's doing. Me capitulating to all her demands. But this time around I'm walking up to the plate, and I'm fighting.
But is this fight worth it? Is this love, is this relationship worth fighting for? I know that the decision is up to me, and no one can make this decision for me. But I'm allowed a few rhetorical questions in my musings, aren't I?
I just don't want to regret. I don't want to look back and see this year as the defining moment where my life, under my own rudder, went to hell.
Upon re-reading that forecast though, I'm yet again reminded of the vagrancies of horoscopes. What if they were simply referring to my latest report? And all this has absolutely nothing to do with my emotional life?
=P
typical...
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:02 am
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