Monday, June 19, 2006

Ex-Butterfly

I’ve been thinking about him on and off in the last few months. Every once in a while he enters into my thoughts. It’s pretty obvious that he’s already over me, and I’ve made it pretty clear that I won’t stay in contact with him. Perhaps it’s the ego. Perhaps it’s the pride. Wishing and wanting someone to constantly be after me. But as in most cases, people get over each other and move on.

I believe he’s moved on.

Yet every once in a while, whenever I’m in the city, visiting old haunts (for my own sake – not to reminisce), I’ll think of him, and wonder if perhaps I might see him. What would happen if we did cross paths? Have we in fact crossed paths, and he chose not to say hello? Would I say hi, or would I make a point of pretending he didn’t exist?

I wonder how he’s going with everything. Did he end up getting a job, or doing that teaching degree he’s been thinking about doing, last I heard from him? I lost the long email he wrote to me to apologise for his behaviour. It went missing along with my email server. It’s probably for the best.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my boyfriend dearly. It’s just every once in a while, I get that niggly feeling. Wonder what he’s doing with his life now? I know that there’s no real point in mending bridges. That it’s best for us that we’re apart. Well best for me. But at the same time, I can’t help but wonder sometimes.

I took a nap in the Gardens yesterday afternoon, and couldn’t help looking across the lawns seeing if I could spot a short redhead. I noticed a guy lying there with his girlfriend, and I wondered how I would feel if I found out that he had found someone new to replace me.

I think I would be a bit upset and angry.

It’s funny how the mind plays tricks and tries to insinuate that life is better on the other side. When all along you know that what you have now is good.

But I can’t seem to help it, every time I wander around the city, he pops up every once in a while. Especially when I’m wandering on my own.

I don’t mean to be constantly on the lookout for him. But every once in a while he crosses my thoughts. A fleeting admission that I would be interested in seeing how he is these days, if only to justify to myself that I’m the one better off.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:37 pm 0 comments

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Sometimes Butterfly

"Here I am and I want to take a hit
Of your scent coz it bit
So deep into my soul.
I want you."

Third Eye Blind ~ I Want You


Even after we argue I come away knowing that I love him. While we’re arguing, and while he’s being callous, I wonder if I have done the right thing, being here. Leaving a former life behind.

But after things are patched up, all I feel is the love blossoming deep within.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m lucky. If I’m more lucky than I know, to have someone who I know loves me. So many people go about their lives looking for someone. And here I am, lucky on practically the first go.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m here because it’s easy. If I’m trying to compensate. If it’s because he’s the first one who’s been really serious, and he’s considered fairly acceptable. And then, here I am just cruising along. Is it ‘real’ love? I don’t know.

But then again, do we ever know? Am I about to throw it all away just because I’m not sure? I don’t know.

We went and saw ‘wah-wah’ last night. I loved it. Portrayed how quirky life can be to a T. Seemed to say to me this is what life is all about. The ups and downs, the happness and sad moments, the tears and the laughter.

And then I wonder why can’t my life be like that? Or perhaps it already is. Perhaps when I look back, I’ll feel that same sort of nostalgia, and I won’t remember any of this uhhming and ahhing. Who knows.

I didn’t get my communications job, and I’m pretty sure I failed my exam for the other job I wanted.

We’re moving out of the city in July. Goodbye urban lifestyle. Hello again to 1 hour train rides. *sigh*

Oh well. You win some, you lose some.

Sometimes.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 6:40 pm 0 comments