Changing Butterfly
Didn't sleep well last night. Still feelin' a little woozy.Stuff happened last night. I think it says a lot about things. The problems people experience sometimes, I find, feel, or whatever, relate directly to their age, etc.
One of my boyfriend's best friend is contemplating ending an 8 year marriage. So our trivia night wasn't entirely a two person event. He came by for a little while. Joined us for the second half.
How to explain?
I had mixed feelings about it all. On one hand, I shouldn't judge. He's not my friend to begin with. And since he's my boyfriend's close friend, I definately shouldn't judge.
But I sat there watching him last night. And while the situation is sad, I can't sympathise. If anything, the only feeling I had was this sense that he was a waste of space. Not someone I would spend time with. And chances are that he will move in with my boyfriend in a few weeks. I'm not happy about that. Obviously it's not really a major, major hurdle, and it's something that I could most likely learn to adjust, deal and live with, but I still don't like it.
He was fairly drunk by the time he met the two of us last night, so supposedly I shouldn't take any of the things he said to me to heart. But one line does stick in my mind.
"I'll probably see more of you than you'll like."
There's two readings to that sentence. Especially if I spend nights over there. Or maybe I'm just being sensitive and reading too much into it. To be honest, I don't know how comfortable I am with that arrangement. I guess I always assumed that my boyfriend would stick with something he said to me once - that he would never live with anyone again, and that he quite liked being 'king of the castle.'
Can you imagine? Spending time at your boyfriend's, knowing that his friend lives there also. Not being able to treat his place like my own. Having to share. Having to live with not one, but essentially two people. To be honest, it seems awkward to me.
But, what can I say or do? The guy's divorcing his wife. He needs a place to say. How can my boyfriend say no? How can I be selfish? Is it really my place to say?
I tried to articulate it last night, and it all came out rather clumsily. Because, me being me, tries to be oh so polite and pc and whatnot.
At best, I came out to say that I wasn't ready to share him. And he came back with he didn't really want to share me, and that it wouldn't be for a while yet. The time frame he had given me earlier in the evening was at least 6 weeks. To be honest, that's not much.
I honestly don't really know how to deal with that. Not really comfortable with it, but there's nothing that I can really say about it. Without seemingly appearing petty or whatever. Especially after I said it wasn't my decision to make, and he came back with, yes, but I still value your opinion.
I know that. But it won't change anything. I guess I just want to be the good supportive girlfriend.
He said to me tongue in cheek on the train trip home last night how, "yeh, you're such a naysayer."
Are my actions wrong? Do I in fact have it all turned around? Is this the wrong approach to be taking to all of this?
A little lost, a little panicky, a little wary, a little uncomfortable with how things are changing - yet again.
Change. Things are always changing.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 12:06 pm
4 Comments:
I know this doesn't relate to the above post, but I completely relate to it
"So I seek out to find out what the 'ideal' person for these people are, and I project that persona outwards. It makes for a lengthy deception. And when the person gets close enough, my boyfriend for example, they suddenly discover parts of the real me. And that's when the trouble starts. Because that's when I start worrying. What if they don't like me? What if they are disgusted with what they find?"
You know I didn't think other people did that, I thought I was I had some weird disorder. Only difference is, that I don't really care if people see the real me.
Like I don't really change the real me, i just supress it. And it slowly emerges as people get to me
Hard to explain, but I know where your coming from
This may sound completely contradictory, but I do get what you mean. And in certain situations I probably don't care so much. Or perhaps more accurately, on a shallower level, I don't care. On a more deeper level however, it's an entirely different story.
It's only when it comes down to people whose opinion I cherish, or who will become so important to my life, that I become terrified of losing them, that these feelings and thoughts really shine through. Kinda weird, isn't it?
I think in a way lots of people will suppress the real 'Me'. And it only slowly comes out to play the longer you get to know them. One of the guys I work with is a perfect example. I never believed the 'cold fish start to thaw to reveal wonderful personality underneath' persona existed until I met him. So in some ways I think lots of people probably suppress some parts of themselves and reveal little things along the way.
Interestingly, when you say 'you don't really care if people see the real you,' that type of mentality reminds me of my boyfriend. It implies such confidence of self, regardless of whether it's true deep down or not. And seems to emphasize my own self doubts, and remind myself that I don't truly know or understand who I am (which is not to say that other people truly know or understand who they are either).
See, when I talk about my lengthy deceptions, that's not to say that I don't show them parts of the true me. At most, I just choose to highlight or emphasize certain characteristics, interests or personality traits above others. Sounds totally warped, doesn't it?
That's the thing about writing down inner thoughts. They become expressions of parts of yourself that make up the entirety that is 'you.' They sometimes do represent entire sections of your outlook and personality. And sometimes they are little niches that allow you to revel in certain aspects of your character.
The funny thing is, often you can't tell the difference between which are the niches, and which are the sections.
Yeah that didn't really turn out as well as it sounded in my head at the time. ;)
I'm really not full of confidence, and I really do care about what people think about me (even though I know I shouldn't). That fake persona I show to new people is like my hook, I think fake is a really strong word in this case.
I try to share interests with everyone, or try to show interest in whatever that person is passionate about. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I'm more the listener. I really do try show interest in their passion before sharing my own passion with them.
I just read through that and didn't understand a word.
Bottom line is, I care (sometimes too much) about how people might think of me if I shared my views before they did. Alot of the time I even hold my opinions back and not share at all, in case they might think of me in a negative light.
I guess I'm the type of person that really needs to be liked, I couldn't live with the fact of knowing there are people that don't like me.
I hate being like this
"I try to share interests with everyone, or try to show interest in whatever that person is passionate about. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I'm more the listener. I really do try show interest in their passion before sharing my own passion with them."
THIS I relate to. Muchly.
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