Doubting Butterfly
They say make the most of what you've got because you only get one shot at it. I think it's easier said than done.Sometimes I don't know who to believe. I've spent all my life listening to my mother, living her values and following her morals. And often wishing I could live another life - one of my own values and morals.
I managed to live my own - but I guess you could argue at a great cost. My mother feels like I've betrayed her and argues that not only will I never experience 'true' happiness, but that I've become a bad daughter. And that she has done her job as a 'good' mother and has no bad conscience when it comes to me. Whereas I will always feel guilty.
I don't really know what to think or feel about that. I get so confused. And then I just try to stop thinking about it.
I wish I didn't care so much about what other people thought and felt about me. There are still many times when all I really want is the other person to like me. And so many times when I wish that I was a stronger person with stronger convictions. Because so often it feels like it doesn't really take much for me to crumble and fall.
My head aches a little. I think it's from oversleeping. I've slept around 8 hours. And as pleasant and lovely as the overcast cool day is in comparison to yesterday's unbelievable 43 degrees, I can't soak any more coolness in.
My head aches, I feel a little miserable and sorry for myself.
I guess I'll never know if I made the right decision until it's too late. Or maybe I'll spend my life never knowing, and continually doubting myself. Maybe that's the bane of my life. I can potentially see myself one day packing up and leaving of my own volition.
It's bad to say, I know. But sometimes I wonder if commitment really is the right thing for me.
It scares me to see the word 'defacto' and know that in a month or two, that term will apply to me. What happened to my freedom? I know it's the wrong way to look at things. But I can't help it sometimes. I'm only 23.
It's 10.30. I think I'm going to find some food.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:25 am
2 Comments:
heylo lil miss.
firstly, i have really enjoyed reading your blog. you are so honest, it is a top quality.
secondly, i think anyone in the world can do committment. as long as it is the right time, and the right PERSON. maybe.. dont blame yourself for the way you feel, instead look outside for a cause.
lastly.. our parents make us, and to a large extent we are replicas, products, of our mothers. their voice always whispering in our ear when we are trying to make a decision. but i wonder if you are letting your mums doubts get to you, cos maybe deep down you agree she is right?
i dunno, just ideas. chin up :)
ange
http://spaces.msn.com/members/shimmerme/
Hello,
well see there lies the problem - I don't know if this is in fact 'the right time'. In some ways I'd like to think that he was the right person, but I don't know if it's the right time. So often I find myself still trying to understand the real me. You know, the cliche, 'finding my self'. And you can't do that with someone else there... how often can you understand yourself, have time to be introspective, when half of yourself is occupied with dealing with the other person, trying to make them happy and wondering what they feel?
Yes, I guess in some ways I probably do agree with my mother - if only because I have spent so long listening to her. And that's part of my problem. That even though I want to break from her bonds, it's a lot easier said than done when deep down I'm still clinging to that - the comfort and safety of my mother's morals and values.
Thanks for the comments ange. Ppreciate you stopping by and dropping a line =)
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