Lying Butterfly
I did a bad thing last night. I stopped paying so much to my mother, and i lied to her. i told her i needed to buy health insurance (false), that my spine was very bad - a lot more extreme than before (slight exagerration), and that I needed to pay doctor fees (true, but not so much).I told her that we were struggling to eat (negligble)- to the point where I had plain rice for lunch. (true)
The fact is - we have a credit card debt. And I need to pay my share. But telling her that isn't going to make it any easier. The way she brooked no argument when I told her I could only pay her 150 as opposed to 300 resulted in her slapping my face five times, and later on a very vicious punch in the thigh.
What do you do when your mother tells you that she hates you? That I have no conscience, that I have been solely responsible for cutting off my family ties?
Currently I have been living on $142 a week. We pay rent, we have bills, I pay mum, I use the train. You would think that an extra 150 each week is kind've ridiculous to ask, when my mother says she is struggling. Ok, I'll be honest with you. Physio costs me $50 a month, and I need to swim twice a week (approx $5-$7). They're the upfront necessary costs. After that, I would like to buy one of those cushions for the back, and ideally get a massage done maybe once a fortnight, which equates to $30 a hit, and I have no idea about the cushion. $30 maybe? $20? So let's just say 20, and that amounts to another $50. So in all, that's $105 at least. Leaving $45 remaining from the $150 I asked for. Arguably then, I would have $192 left ($212 after I bought the cushion). Except that I need to eat. $50 automatically go to groceries - household necessities, and dinner/breakfast stuff. Lunch for two of us if we didn't eat leftovers, etc, costs around $20 on average. So that's 70. And then, I'm down to $122. In the meantime, we have maxed out our credit card. We owe $3,000. All my remaining money should go there. Except that on what I've got right now, if I run out of say, face cream, or if I want to buy a pair of shoes on sale, ($30) I can't justify it. On top of which, I have flat feet– which my boyfriend has been trying to get to me to go to the podiatrist to get insoles made. But see, those cost $300 each. Not to mention the consultation fee…
Ok you say - what about the boyfriend? He pays for the electricity, the gas, the water, most of the rent, and $50 to the grocery fund. We have cable, he also takes the train ($25 a week). This isn't including an odd night out, clothes, mobile, and general household items. We bought a fan the other day because we were surviving on the bedroom ceiling fan in 40 degree heat, which didn't do much. Our credit card debt is mainly due to the purchases we needed when we started setting up our lives - although i admit that $1,000 of that was spent on christmas presents to each other - a printer and a suit. but the printer has paid for itself in terms of gifts to other ppl, etc, and he's wearing his suit today to a work interview.
Meanwhile, my mother is screaming at us in incomprehension. I didn't realise my brother was giving her at least $100 a week. Which meant for the last six months while boyfriend and I are amassing a credit card debt, she had $600 a month - more than my own salary. During this time, my brother has got a $100 chair, they bought a plasma tv (albeit under $1,000), and six bookshelves at $30 a pop. I would love to have a bookshelf in our study. But I can't justify it. I would love to have a better chair for my back - but we can't justify it. Their house is full of food, while often it seems like we're struggling to make ends meet. And then you wonder why my boyfriend resents her so much - and this is without telling him about the plasma tv.
So back to mum - with $150 less, her income drops to $450, which works - if only just. But my mother pointed out a crucial thing that I didn't take into consideration. My brother's contribution. He starts uni soon, and on top of his study fees (engineering is very expensive), it's quite possible that he will end up earning less, as he'll need more time to study. So without his $100, it drops down to $350 - and that's a very fine threshold. Their internet/phone bill is extreme ($88 last month - see what happens when you don't listen to me about cheaper isps???) and the mobile bill I know, is at least $50 a month. That's half her income gone. Then there's the car - $25 a week, let's say, and the rest would have to be spent on food. What about water, electricity, land rates? And suddenly I feel wretched. If I was on so little I'd be absolutely terrified. On my $92 a week, I was relying mainly on the boyfriend to get me through the week. I can't imagine how my mother's going to get by, when she doesn't have someone to rely on - when the only person she could, arguably rely on, was me. And I've proven unreliable.
She also has a back problem. She's got osteoporosis, and she also has to go to a massage once a week. Which cancels her out of doing lots of hard labour. At her age, she shouldn't be doing hard labour anyway, but that's beside the point. The logical thing you would argue was for her to get a job. Except, it's difficult for a 50 year old woman to get a job. Especially when her work experience is limited. Her best bet would be to teach at a community language school. Although she just quit teaching because the pay was crap ($50 a week), for double the amount of work required.
I'm at a loss as to what to do. I can't offer her anymore, because i spent the whole night making it clear to her I couldn't. If I didn't have that credit card bill, I'd pay her $200 and I would feel a lot better, because regardless of how much my brother gave her, she'd still have a guaranteed $400 which would feel a lot safer than $350.
My mother blames me for this entire situation and refuses to accept that she is responsible for anything. She tells me I've broken her heart for telling her that it all escalated over her refusing to let me stay over my boyfriend's. This is how I see it - if she can't accept me staying one night (she raved and screamed for weeks over it), how on earth was this going to work out? And it was true. Over the weeks and months, it only got worse, the longer and more often that I stayed over. She was already 'casting me out'. I went home to nightly arguments, stony silence, and debates that lasted until 4 in the morning on a work night.
I would've stayed, except, I came home one night to have her raging. It was also the first time she'd ever slapped me over this situation. And as I sat there crying miserably, noting that she was in so much anger and pain, I realised that what my boyfriend said was true - me being there was only rubbing salt in her wounds. It would be better for all of us, if I just moved out for good. So I did.
Fast forward to the present, and it's like it's gotten nowhere. I feel wretched lying to her. Especially when you think about it from a general standpoint - that $150 a week is a lot of money. Be that as it may, my mother doesn't have to pay rent, she owns the house she lives in, and she has no credit card debt. Sometimes the reasons echo in my brain, and I wonder if I can justify any of it, or if I'm just lying to myself.
I hate that I'm stretching my mother's resources so thinly. I could argue that she has savings. The fact is, she must have been able to save quite a bit anyway, I know my brother has a larger bank balance than I do. But what happens after all those savings are used up?
You could argue that my boyfriend and I shouldn't go out so much. He's used to a different set of circumstances compared to me. And his rationale is that we could afford a lot more things - if I would pay my mother less. He argues that she was being greedy. She admitted last night that she took most of my money as punishment. Why would you want to punish your daughter? Because she feels like I've betrayed her. She hates me. She hates that I was the one who ruined all her plans for the future.
I realised the other night why my back has gotten worse. I was stupid and helped my boyfriend lift a heavy tv up a steep flight of stairs. and in the process, I think two of my vertabrae moved. I never in my life felt such sharp pain. So I guess I only have myself to blame.
I see no way out of my situation. All I feel is misery. I feel like a good-for-nothing daughter, who despite trying her best to 'do the right thing' has failed miserably. I think part of the reason lies in myself. I have spent so much time spinning out reasons and lies for my actions. When perhaps I have not been brave enough to accept the truth - that I have done wrong. At the same time, I have so many people trying to support me - my boyfriend (for obvious reasons) my cousin, my dad (who seems to be supporting me, if only in lieu of my mother's anger and insupport), my friends - 2 of them, who have been through situations which are similar but not the same. One who fought to stay at her boyfriend's house, the other who went and got married and moved overseas.
I don't really know what's right or wrong anymore. But already I know I'm starting to regret lying to her. But the fact of the matter is, I dare not tell her about the credit card bill. And until that bill is cleared, there's nothing I can do. Or am I just lying to myself again?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:52 am
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