Ornery Butterfly
Not all that great today. Lots of stuff weighing on my mind that I’m trying not to think about. Lots of conversations that I want to have, that I know is wise not to have. Because the fights just aren’t worth it. Lay in bed last night thinking that I’m over this already. Finding it all a strain, no longer exciting anymore. Feel very angry and volatile. Feel like throwing things and causing damage. Want so badly to be violent. Brutally violent to get all the rage out of my system.I’m being punished. For trying to do the right thing. While we both originally took 2 weeks off for annual leave to go away, because I need to spend a day or two with Mum at the end of January, and I know she probably won’t want him there, he’s going off to New Zealand for 5 days to visit friends. On his own. By the time he comes back, we’ll be too broke, and he’ll be too exhausted for us to really do anything together. So while at least he gets to go away, I don’t leave this place. And I find this very unfair.
I accept that the situation is making it difficult, but at the same time I think he’s being a little childish. And I don’t feel like I should be punished. I have enough from my mother telling me that every decision/action comes with a consequence.
I just don’t like feeling punished. I hate feeling like I don’t deserve a holiday away because I’m trying to do the right thing.
And while I accept that he doesn’t want to help in any way with helping my mother in terms of money, it still hurts. Especially when it means I’m essentially on 100 dollars a week. And because I’m seeing my physiotherapist this weekend, it’s going to be closer to 50 dollars this week.
I’m also required to help with my grandmother next week, so that’s 100 dollars out of my savings account – where my savings account hasn’t had a single deposit in it for over six months.
I’m not saving. I hate relying on him for money. I can feel a sour taste in my mouth when I think about our situation. The best thing to do is to not think about it. But it’s easier said than done. The only way is to do my old trick of hiding. Get out a novel and read. Immerse yourself into a book, into another world, another reality. It’s one of the reasons why I love fantasy so much. Reading about dragons and magic and fairies are about as far removed from reality as you can get. I really miss reading. I went through a brief stint a few weeks ago, going through ‘the shipping news,’ ‘the constant gardener’ ‘girl with a pearl earring’ and a whole bunch of funny-madcap novels. I’ve gotten into a stint of wanting to read novels that are considered ‘classics’/’ modern literature’ – and coincidentally have all been made into movies.
I’m still feeling miserable. And the weather’s not helping. I hate feeling defensive. I hate feeling like I have to censor myself in order to make the days go by. There’s no point arguing. It’s just all too difficult and hard – especially when we have to see each other the next day. I think some distance would probably do us some good.
And I really want a new job. I don’t like him overseeing me. I get too sensitive. I don’t feel confident or capable with him around. I feel like he is constantly criticizing.
I worry that this relationship is starting to fray at the seams. Perhaps not for him, but for me, definitely.
I hate being angry at him at work for something work related, and then having to make peace or compartmentalize in order for us to be pleasant to each other when we go home.
I’m too tired. I think it’s too much to have him in every aspect of my life.
And deep down I do resent that he doesn’t seem to understand about my mother. And in his own words, ‘I don’t need to understand’.
To be honest, I’m chafing at the reins a bit. I feel a little pressured. I’m not really enjoying myself. Everywhere I turn, all I see are expectations. All I see are restrictions. I need to get away. The problem is, there’s nowhere for me to turn. At least he’ll get his overseas holiday. A break away from everything. All I get, is the knowledge that I did the right thing by my mother, and two weeks stuck either at home, or a few days down south with his mother – how exciting. Not..
I want peace. And I can’t get that while I’m trying my best to appear ‘good’ in front of his mother.
I don’t want a 3 day holiday. He originally promised me 2 weeks away. And now all I’ll get are dregs. And I hate it.
I feel so trapped. There is no break from this reality.
“only losers stay at home on annual leave”.
Well guess what? Thanks to you, I am a loser.
Thanks.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:55 am
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