Conflicting Butterfly
Things are putting along at a nice pace. Work is overrated and my standards are slipping. Meanwhile, to be loved is one of the greatest feelings in existence. Yet, despite that, I still find myself wavering a little. I was looking at a picture of you last night, and suddenly was thrown by an urge to dig up a photo of me and my ex....have I ever truly gotten over him do you think?
I dare not say to you I love you, because despite a few urges to say so, I dare not. In case what I say is not in fact true. I remember reading somewhere that geminis have a tendency to say things to people not because they feel it, but because they feel they should say it because it is what the other person wants/needs to hear.
Sometimes I don't know what I've gotten into. And sometimes it's like quicksand. The further along we get, the harder it will be to get out of. And I'm not ready to yet. Well, something in me fights against us. I think it's the appearances. But you do make me laugh. And we do seem to read each other sometimes. And while at times I feel there is no chemistry between us, or that it is all on your side, your kiss, your touch, your words can still send shivers up my spine and make me collapse into a little puddle on the floor. Such physical reactions cannot just be purely based on that - physical touch - can it? There must be emotion underneath it, surely? What is it that brings all these reactions to the fore?
Or is it yet again just the idea that a middle aged man, or someone of fair substance is interested in me? A well-made put together man? Well not so much well-made, but you know what I mean. And you treat me so well. You meet all my expectations of what a guy is supposed to do. there is no awkwardness in that sense. I don't have to worry about who pays for what. You will always drive me home. You respect my boundaries, and you treat me so well. I have no complaints.
Yet, you are the first to have treated me so well. Or at the very least, so right. And it's not that I'm afraid I will never find another who will treat me the right way. It's just that I don't know how it can all collapse. Maybe it's the soft heartedness in me talking. Or maybe it's just something that i don't want to face right now. But there is still that feeling in me somewhere that you and I shouldn't be. That refusal in me that says you are not what I want. But in spite of everything, I can't bring myself to say it. Maybe because if I do, this all ends. And I don't want to deal with that. Maybe. Or maybe my heart knows something that I don't know? I don't know.
I still get sudden impulses and urges to hug you. And a few times yesterday I was so tempted to tell you that I loved you. Yet I don't want to say it unless I'm absolutely 100% sure. Because by saying it out, I will have committed. And I want a distant heart on this.
I can't even say that I'm scared. I don't think it is. Or maybe it's just that I'm hiding. From you, from me, from everyone.
There are just moments sometimes when I get so conflicted.
I just want to wipe it all away. Everything.
And not think.
Is that possible?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:50 am
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