Petty Butterfly
It's not that I'm upset. Well, not really anyway. It's just that maybe things irk me a little. Or perhaps I am just too sensitive to societal norms."You have moved up from desirable to essential"
"I like everything about you"
"I will treat you like you deserve to be treated"
"I miss spending time with you. I miss talking to you. I miss making love to you. I miss touching you"
"I don't deserve you"
"why?"
"you're beautiful, intelligent. And you're not jaded by life like me"
"so you get to have first dibs at jading me?"
"no, that's why I don't deserve you. I don't want to jade you"
"How do you do it? Become even more beautiful?"
"Is it wrong of me to want to take care of you?"
"you make me so happy"
and of course, the tried and true: "I love you"
....
yet despite all of these things, all these lovely sweet sentiments, words, sentences and thoughts, I received no card, no flowers, no gift. Just dinner. And well, it's not like we haven't had dinner before. Does this make me shallow? Especially when I got you a card *and* a gift - wrapped and put into a pretty bag no less.
Guess my speculations over that earlier line, "I'm wondering if you would be easy or hard to buy gifts for" was just a joke line.
I was questioned this morning.
"Where are the flowers? What did he get you?"
"Nothing."
"Well then this isn't serious then. He's not really interested. Every time before (previous Valentines Days) you always came home with flowers, a gift, or something."
*shrug*
Too shallow perhaps? Irrational being upset methinks? Not sure, to be honest.
I never voiced my disappointment.
To be honest, I don't really demand much. I've never really commented on your dress sense. I've never questioned any of your actions. Not really. I tend to be an easy going kind of girl. You do whatever it is that makes you happy. I won't fight you. Sometimes, it seems so extreme to make arguments over petty things like this. Just like last time. Over you drinking of all things. I don't want to be seen as naggy. I don't want to be domineering. And as much as perhaps I'd like to change you, well, I don't want all the turbulence that comes with it. And maybe I still feel out of my depth in doing so. After all, who am I to fight you? Who am I to change you? So many things ingrained after 34 years. What possible lengths could I go to? What possible power could I wield to change you at all? I'm still waiting for the killer line, "You make me want to be a better person" or something similarily Hollywood-esque.
Or maybe I'm just afraid of the backlash. The fallout, when you look at me in incomprehension and say defensively, what have I done to make you feel that I don't care? And the answer becomes, 'you didn't buy me a valentines day card/gift/rose' *shakes head*
Silly little girl head filled with romantic idealistic imaginings. Maybe all the things that you are treating me with now are simply par for the course. And I don't realise that they might not mean much in the big scheme of things: so you bought me dinner. big deal. so you treated me to the opera. yay for you. Or maybe those actions, and knowing that you care mean more than any measly rose or sentimental card or gift. And somewhere deep down I know this?
Or perhaps because I swore I'd stop the overthinking, and let things flow of their own natural accord, I'm a lot more hesitant and wary of making mountains out of molehills. Maybe I'm sitting back waiting to be fully wowed by you. Maybe deep down I know that it all doesn't really mean much. And that I should take a step back and look at the bigger picture?
So why do I feel so irritated then? Why do I hide my true feelings and petty resentments? Why do I lie when you ask me if I had a good night, and say it was great? Why do I start coming out with the sweet nothings, and tell you that you made it a worthwhile evening?
Why, when you tell me voluntarily that you will treat me the way a girl deserves to be treated, do I mentally berate you and think to myself, 'yes, but you didn't even get me a card' ?
One small step in the wrong direction. One tiny step, and despite all the implications that you are/will be showing/giving me the world, my impressions of this starts to falter. And the place slowly starts to/begins to crumble.
Petty, shallow, silly little girl.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:29 am
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