Befriending Butterfly
I'm talking to my friend on msn. A friend that I haven't spoken to in over 2 months or more. We fell out over her being critical of me. Guess I can't really take criticism eh? I didn't feel she was supportive of my actions. No one seems to understand that I do in fact care about my family and that they are important to me. Perhaps I'm the one in denial. Who knows.But I'm sitting here chatting to her, wishing in my heart of hearts that she'd give me an apology. But in my desperate attempt not to be too dramatic and lose a friend (even though you may argue I already have - out of my own choice) I have let her off easy.
The more I sit here, the more I wonder:
a. why are we friends?
and
b. do I really care all that much about her and my bunch of school friends? Or am I just being stubborn?
And here I go being all honest and upfront. Because, oh I don't know why because. Because I don't feel comfortable otherwise? Because I want to live up to the ideals my boyfriend has placed on me?
I asked him one night why he loved me. And he told me because I was 'true'. And even today he pointed out that I just told things as they were. So having said all that, perhaps I am trying to live a little too hard that idea of being 'true'? I don't know.
I remember telling my counsellor one time how when I was young I refused to be friends with certain people. I was in fact a bit of a snob. Still am in some ways. The kids who were never really nice to me in school would wave and say hello, I would turn my head and pretend they didn't exist. My reasoning at 5 was that if they couldn't be bothered showing me their kindness at school in front of their friends, then why should I show them mine? Be it inside or outside of school? Although as I type this up, I am wondering if perhaps I just didn't recognise their attempts to be friends with me, this feeling of stubborness has stayed with me throughout my life.
I remember having those same thoughts when I was 12, and 16. Why bother being nice to me outside of school when no one is there to see you doing it, when you obviously care enough about peer pressure not to do it when there are people watching...
Anyway, my counsellor suggested that this was a strength rather than some derogatory anecdote to prove how snobbish and stubborn I was.
I really am quite mixed up about my own personality sometimes.
So here I am chatting to her on msn, and rather than pretend everything is ok, which it isn't in my mind, I'm breaching this subject. Bringing it up and telling her how much she hurt me. Call me egotistical, but I can't help it if I feel like sometimes like it's all about me. There's no point me trying to be friends or whatever with you if I can't feel comfortable to be with you in the first place.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:41 pm
1 Comments:
A friend used to tell me that "Friends are but passing clouds."
During school time, we may be friends because of the time we shared in school as well as the interests and fun.
But after not being together for some time, the things that were before are not same today or so my friend says.
Really sad come to think of it but i guess that's life for you.
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