Delusional Butterfly
oh god i'm a mess....
i was just watching a trailer for the tom hanks, catherine zeta jones movie, "The Terminal" that's coming out soon.... I'd wanted to see it originally because the storyline intrigued me, and they hadn't told you the full story yet. you know, when they just give you teasers...you can tell that tom's stuck in the airport. and i was interested to see how he got there, and how the romance between the two would unfold. hollywood romances are so predictable. but it was a different scenario to the usual, so yeh... anyway... they showed a scene tonight, where she comes up to him and its obvious that it's a key scene, where everything's clicked, and the truth's about to unfold. and she says, 'tell me the truth, what are you waiting for?' and he turns around and says with genuine sincerity, "i'm waiting for you."
....
and i teared up.
does this mean now that every single romantic line that i ever hear i will automatically replace those people with a phantom of you? Is this what romantic comedies are *truly* about? Solving all our emotional problems? Putting all those love affairs *right*? Creating that illusion of love, and rewriting all our past histories into the way it *should have been*? I used to just love romantic comedies because it was always a guaranteed good ending. where you watch the couple in the beginning side-step each other, and the romantic chases are always so exciting. and you find out all their inner thoughts and desires, and you watch them fall in love, and watch how he woos her. not much to it really... but i guess i've never really sat down to watch a romantic comedy when you're heartbroken... puts an entirely different spin on things. kinda depressing, actually.
i mean, watching these films... it's like, we sit there and we watch these people on the screen, and somehow we end up replacing those people with ourselves. We see parts of ourselves, parts of our lives replayed before us. and because they are not truly ours, we can watch that story unfold. at the same time, because we can relate, in some paradoxical fashion, we can relive those moments, knowing what those people onscreen feel, and catharsize our inner demons. those phantoms that haunt us every night before we fall into that last unconscious state and dream. those phantoms that haunt us at the most unopportune or unsuspecting moments. Are we doomed to simply replay all our lives over and over again through these big hollywood productions? Is this another of those, 'now i know what i'm missing out on, i can't bear to deal with this anymore' moments?
I sit there, and i bemoan to myself, 'why couldn't you be like him? why couldn't you do what *they're* doing? Why couldn't you love me as much, when i put so much out there for you? when i loved *you* that much?
*sigh*
i guess it didn't help that we were talking movies on thursday, you actually mentioned you wanted to see it as well... in which case, i'm just neurotic and obssessive, and am simply clutching at straws to find any conneciton to you whatsoever. at the same time, for the record, i seriously had wanted to see that movie, before you ever mentioned it. but anyway, last thursday was the first time i'd ever heard you say anything of the sort. to boot, i haven't really sat down and talked to you for a while now...
but yeh.. who would've thought.. one line.. and i fall apart. and the tears just poured out..... it took me by surprise how i was suddenly wracked with tears. the emotion just seemed to claw up and overwhelm me...
~ * ~
I'm actually sitting here watching a tv show called, Cold Case.... the whole terminal thing happened during one of the ad breaks. sorta says something if i'm looking to a detective/homicide television show for emotional release/comfort..
So here's Lilly Rush, homicide detective trying to solve a cold case about a girl who was murdered 27 years ago. Off Lilly goes to the girl's mother to tell her she's on the case, and to ask for her assistance. The mother's resistant to helping. Her explanation was that she'd spent 20 years harbouring hope, and that now, "i just can't get pulled in again.'
My automatic response to this is 'fair enough.' You don't want to hope, and open yourself up to disappointment. But it also made me think.... if we change the context - and in my case, the obvious choice, will be "the Relationship", suddenly i can see all these new parallels. yes, it may mean that i'm totally delusional, and that perhaps I have been obsessing a bit too much, and "need to go out more" but if you think about this - and bear with me here - it's actually very interesting, and quite arguable.
Let's replace Lilly with 'the one who left/ended things, i.e. Him' and the mother with 'the one who got left behind/hurt/victim', or whatever you want to call yourself. Ok, so here you have this person who comes back into your life, be it that person, or the representation of your past. And they come up to you and say, "I love you, and I screwed up. I want to be with you. I want to fix things, etc etc". For your own emotional well-being, you automatically respond, "I can't." aka, the mother's, "i just can't get pulled in again"(of course assuming that you still love them, and that you're obsessive and always harboured hope, in whatever form.. anyway... ). For the guy/Lilly, that response would elicit a 'fair enough.'
Now in Lilly's case, this wouldn't matter, because she has justification. It's her job to solve cases. Interestingly, later when asked why she's digging something up that's 27 years old, she goes on to elaborate, saying that "it matters, people matter." this serves to justify her desire and zealousness to solve this case, and dredge up memories of a different time.
In our hypothetical 'prodigial partner' the justification would be love (we're talking hypotheticals here.. like he'd really come back, but let's just say so for the sake of laying to rest my denial issues). Now my question is, what are the chances that this type of love exists? In my current state of emotional turmoil, I can quite happily relate to the feeling that i will love you forever, and i am willing to wait, and that scenario where u come back to me, brings to mind vivid images of 'a perfect ending' to a torrid emotional love affair. In the same vein though, when it comes to relationships, how many guys would do the same? How many will regret, and want to fix things enough to come back?
Because if i tell you that I can't deal with the hope, I can't deal with the emotional trauma and pain, and you've seen how much you've hurt me, how willing would you be to push anyway, to go for something and believe that the ending is worth the pain that i'm/we're going through right now? Whereas Lilly has a 99% chance of solving this case (i haven't finished watching the show yet, but i mean, come on...) and therefore is justified in guaranteeing the mother that it's worth hoping. I mean, just look at this converation:
Lilly: How can you forget about her?
Mother: forget? i think about her every day. This ruined my life.
Lilly: it still matters [to solve this case].
Mother: i can't look back, it's too hard
Lilly: ..you think you can just walk away? you can't walk away... she's a part of you. there's new hope now.
Mother: and what if you dont' solve it? where does that leave me?
Lilly: and what if i do solve it?
In this instance, can we replace that "new hope" with "love" or realisation that they do in fact love you and want you in their life?
Is it luck? is it knowing the person through and through? or is it simple utter pure, love that makes that other person ignore all your pleas that you don't want to go back, and force you to realise that it could *still* work out?
Can Lilly's motivation - people do matter, they deserve justice - equate to love? That everyone deserves to be loved? That everyone deserves to have their hurts healed, and be cherished by those who once hurt them?
Idealistic, Optimistic and most likely, delusional i know. I'm just indulging in this fantasy, but i can't help but see these parallels. Like i said, heartache does not good television watching make. We seem to apply ourselves to all the main characters, and try and twist all the plots so that they will reflect the current dramas in our lives.
..maybe all human emotion is the same. we experience the same sort of feelings over a wide range of situations, and we can lift different situations to suit different emotions... Or is it actually possible that all dramas have undertones of the salvaging of a relationship? are human emotions in fact equal across the board? do we feel, react and deal with things exactly the same regardless of the context?
Or am i simply clutching at straws?
In putting in those quotes though from the show though, i am reminded of that constant thought that dogs me every othe day: 'man i wish my thesis was on emotions.... coz if i did, i'd probably do a half decent job.' i think abt this crap practically 24/7 anyway. as opposed to my thesis... it's lucky to get 30% of my time a day. which is bad, considering, another weeks' gone by, which means, i've got just under a month before it's due.. omg...
*runs around room pulling out hair*
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:30 am
1 Comments:
hell of a post!
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