Bending Butterfly
Still listening to my Dashboard Cd, and still finding parallels in every line of lyric.Today's insight is from Bend and not Break. If I understand him and all that he was telling me on Monday night correctly, this song would suit him a to a T...
"I catalog these steps now, decisive and intentioned,
precise and patterned specifically to yours.
I'm talented at breathing, especially exhaling,
so that my chest will rise and fall with yours.
I'm careful not to wake you, fearing conversation.
It's better just to hold you and keep you pacified.
I'm talented with reason, I cover all the angles.
I can fail before I ever try.
Try to understand, there is an old mistake that fools will make.
And I'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away.
So won't you hold me now? I will not bend, I will not break.
Won't you hold me now? For you I rise for you I fall.
I am fairy agile. I can bend and not break.
Or I can break and take it with a smile.
I am so resilient. I recover quickly.
I'll convince you soon that I am fine."
Dashboard Confessional - Bend and not Break
If I am to believe these lyrics, then what does this mean? Can you understand why I am in such a spin? After three months of harbouring angst, anger, bitterness and resentment, I am suddenly faced with the chance to wipe it all away. And though these lyrics may bring tears to my eyes, I am still not 100% sure whether I can let it all go and forgive him.
I don't know if I can trust you or not.
For every moment that I communicate with you, I get this terrible quaking feeling inside, fearing that I will open myself up again to be hurt by you. I am terrified that I will again find myself begging for something that you do not want. I am petrified that I will yet again lose the little self-respect that I have scrabbled together over time. You hold the weapon that can break down the tenuous wall that I have erected over the last few weeks. Within these walls I have found solace of sorts, secure in the knowledge, or convinced by my delusions at least, that you are not worthy of my friendship and love. That I can in fact live without you and survive quite happily.
Yet, as you have not yet rebuilt your walls, you are, or appear to be, or at least in my demented state seem to be telling me that you want to tear back open those walls and begin anew. And because of my wavering constitution I find myself considering your request.
How do I know what is best for me? What are the best actions for my emotional stability and mental sanity?
I wonder if listening to all these emo cds really helps. *rueful smile*
Anyhow, back to work. Reports, reports, shumorts...
bah...
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:48 am
2 Comments:
Hi Chicabou,
thanks for your comments. i appreciate you taking the time out to comment and give me your opinion =)
you raise a very valid point about moving on. i have seriously considered it, and for a while there it looked very much like i *was* moving on. it seems things have worked against me, well not worked against me, but more like, umm.. how to put it? a week ago i was going through old email and i managed to dig out an email that he had written me a *long* time ago when things were still going well. it made me rethink a little. and before i sorted all of that out, he contacted me. and it did throw me into a spin. because i hadn't made my final decision about how to deal with the way things were going.
and in talking with him the other night i have a clearer idea of what he's gone through. and looking back on everything, there was nothing either of us could do. we were probably both foolish in a way, and it was all spiralling out of control. more so than we could *truly* control. we say this with hindsight, but that doesn't necessarily mean that things weren't entirely out of our grasps. nonetheless, things are as they are now.
i also take your point about being myself and taking the time out. i have been trying. i know that he wants to be friends though. and he has pointed out that he wishes very much for us to continue being friends. because what he says is true - our friendship before the relationship began really was special. but in the aftermath of that breakup, that friendship doesn't seem as special anymore, because to me, the friendship was ten times more special.
having said that, i know it's up to me whether we continue being in each other's lives. my best friend pointed out to me one night that this is it for him. make it or break it, it's up to me now. if i decide that we can't be friends, then this will be it. and that seems such a pity y'know? such a shame. knowing what we could have been. knowing what we *had* been in a sense.
in spite of everything i've been wandering in a sort of daze the last two days trying to sort out what it is i want. i have told myself dozens of times that i don't need him in my life - and in a sense, it is true. i really don't. but i don't have the heart to cut him out of my life, not when i know that he wants to be friends. which means that somewhere inside i still harbour feelings. or something. sometimes even i don't know what goes on inside my head and heart. they aren't exactly mutually exclusive, and even so, i manage to get confused about who i am, where i want to go etc. emotional relationships are always such black holes for me.
yes i agree with you also that what i'm going through is not exactly uncommon, and that many have gone through this before me. and i admire those who have gone straight through to the other side and cut people out of their lives. i don't know if i am capable of such ruthlessness. if he had stayed away and not contacted me then i think it would have been possible. but for the very thing that he *did* in fact contact me, and his insistence of recreating a friendship does in fact give me pause.
He tells me that he's not been dealing with us well. and i believe him. whether it's what he deserves is an argument in itself. but for me that's enough to tell me that he does in fact care in his own way. he has been very silly and has been very stubborn. i probably am too in my own way. playing mind games on all and sundry (myself included). and so it's not exactly easy to figure out what it is i want when i don't even know half the time. and it sure makes for confusing communication. all i know is what i feel at that very moment. and right now i'm very very confused.
so in some ways i think that perhaps he has been thinking about me also. lucky for him i have insisted that i have total control this time around about where we go. and he's honestly that terrified (least that's the impression that i get) that he could lose me forever that he's just sitting back waiting for the verdict. of course i could be wrong. i'm not exactly partial to his thought processes. unless of course i can somehow get my grubby paws on a mind-reader. anyone?
i know that i will be fine eventually. once i can come to peace within myself. once i know what it is i truly want, and what it is i can deal with. but as you most probably have noticed by now, i never do settle on one particular action and stick with it. i jump from idea to idea, feeling to feeling, and action to action almost as quick as the wind changes or the sun goes behind a cloud.
in regards to your comment about relying on someone to make me happy: i came to that sorry conclusion about a month ago. to be honest it's shocked me how easily he infiltrated my life, and how much i came to depend on him. he brighten(s/ed) my life like nothing i have ever experienced. maybe that what love is all about or not. i don't know. i'm not exactly experienced in all of this emotional realm as many out there. but having said that, like i mentioned above, i have also recognised that i can in fact live without him, and that i can continue to be happy by myself.
i know that life is never what you expect of it, and that's half the charm. i know that i can't expect to get everything that i want, and i also know that pain and hurt comes part and parcel with the happiness.
in some ways this blog has been an outlet for me, allowing me to go through with a magnifying glass, or at the very least a fine-toothed comb to sort out what it is i really want and need. it is my 'time by myself.' i also know there is still a ways to go before i'm free of all this. and it is in my nature to continually think of the past in some form.
unfortunately, the answers always seem so difficult to reach and find. that, or i'm just being silly refusing to see the truth in some delusional state continually hoping for a miracle to occur.
i just don't know anymore...
oops. i just reread my reply. i hate how comments don't allow me to edit. in case you picked it up and get confused i meant 'the relationship was ten times more special than the friendship'
~
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