Steadfast Butterfly
I am typing this up at work - which may or may not be a good thing. But I'm taking out a little 'break' so the powers that be, if they decide to sneak onto my computer and check out what I'm doing - there I'm disclosing. I'm taking a break. Take it from my pay if you disapprove so much.I'm hoping by writing this out that it will cement my willpower. I want to see if I can last a week without talking to him online. I did end up blocking him on msn last night. Let's see if I can last this out. I want to last it out. I really do. I want to prove to myself that I am not tied down to him in any way. In some ways I still want to be friends with him. At the same time I recognise that I cannot be friends with him if I am constantly looking out for something more. If I keep on second-guessing his actions, if I continually analyse his every word and action instead of just letting go, then this will naturally fall apart, as it looked like it was going to on Sunday night when he left. He doesn't know what he wants. He's a very confused boy and that's fine. As long as I know what I want and where I want to stand, I think that will be ok. I don't want to give out anymore. I recognise that in me being friends with him I have to let down some barriers. If I want my best friend back, I have to open up. And I can't open up until I forgive him. Or even accept what has happened, like really accept. This means that I have to stop being bitter. ANd I have to stop feeling so paranoid about how much self-respect I'm giving out.
It is obvious how easily I am getting confused around him. My strong stance constantly crumbles in his presence. My constitution wavers and I fall. I don't want to fall. I want to be strong. If this means that I have to kick him out, then that may well be the final conclusion. I'm still half and half about this. Don't think that just because I've typed it out, that it stands. I'm hoping that in typing it out, it will indeed stand, but yeh. You know me. Constantly changing my mind.
I honestly don't know if it is love that I feel for you. I don't know if it's vanity. I don't know if it's pride. I don't even know if it's the novelty of having this miserable and failed love affair that has led me down this road where I am constantly berating myself and hurting myself emotionally. All I know is that it's time I really try and do something about it. While I still can. We've effectively bridged the communication barrier. We are essentially talking. But I don't want to fall over myself in an attempt to rekindle something. I also know that we can still fall back into that well that we made between the two of us. We can fall back in so easily.
So I think that giving myself some time out will be a good thing. And it's about time I retested myself and see if I come out alright. If in between you end up wondering what happened to me, and it makes you keener to be friends with me, well that's ok too. But to be honest, I think I need some time away to stop loving you. If love is what it is I'm really feeling for you. I honestly don't want to deal with the pain of rejection and getting hurt by you. I don't want you to be friends with me and let everything else go. Not that us being together would be any easier. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to start afresh.
Overall I just find that love is such a complicated feeling. It brings out the best and worst in people, and causes such horrible heartache. I don't want to be privy to any of this. I just want to move on. If it means I have to block everything out I will. I want to stand strong so badly. Yes, I want someone to love me, but at the same time, I want to be wanted the right way. Not this half-hearted confused stuff. Don't think that I'm staying away for your sake. I'm not. If I had it my way I could rub in how much you've hurt me all your life. And I would never tire of it. Because it's true. And I still hurt. I thought I was over it all, but Sunday night proved me wrong.
So I'm staying away for my own sanity.
For my emotional well-being.
For me.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:45 pm
1 Comments:
Hi Jamie,
sorry to hear about the rushed wedding plans. I can imagine the spin pushing everything forward will make.
Is Kuwait particularly safe during this time of the year? I mean, what with all the things going on in Iraq etc. I can't imagine what it must feel like though to get married and then watch your husband go away for a little while. It would be so frustrating.
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