Accepting Butterfly
I have to be honest with myself. I love him. I know I do. I also must acknowledge that he does not love me. Not the way I want him to love me. He’s gone away to justify why he should commit to me. Why we should start over and begin anew.Friday night was a break through of sorts. I guess you could argue it was anyway. My little plan worked. More than I could have imagined. And while I have been questioning whether I did the right thing or not, it has put some things into perspective. If it hasn’t done that, at least it’s given me some food for thought. Before I added him back onto msn I commented that I’d made sure I’d put up a whole bunch of really pretty pictures of me just to, y’know, ‘remind’ him of what he had lost, and maybe make him reconsider.
Well he reconsidered. I was chattering away and noticed that he wasn’t talking much so I asked him if I didn’t talk if we really had nothing to say. He said that the reason why he was quiet was because he kept on staring at my pic on msn. Being flattered by someone you really like is such a wonderful feeling. And I’ve missed having someone tell me that. It boosted my ego to no end. And as we talked, I changed the pic every once in a while. Just to hammer it in and what not. And throughout it all he was being reeled in.
By way of explanation he sort’ve said that he would do anything I asked. And while I held back, at long last I couldn’t help it. I had to tease and say ‘are you sure you won’t reconsider?’. To which he replied with a ‘…’ and a ‘damn you.’
I don’t want to be manipulative. I just want him back. I want a honest and true answer. I don’t want to push and prod in order to have someone love me. He joked that I was a few photos from getting “everything I ever wanted.” When I asked what that meant (i.e. what was it that he thought I wanted), his explanation was very succinct and in some ways surprising: “in the case of us, me being 100% open and honest and committed to you and to making things work… rebuilding the trust.” So this is what I want. But I’m wondering if that’s what he wants. And when I prompted him with the query that all it took for that to happen was to see a few pretty pictures of me, he came back with “no… but by god they did move me back on track.”
Hmmm…
You have to admit that that’s a bit disturbing. So all along you’ve been honest with yourself and me, you’ve thought things through and tried to be honest in taking apart what you need, want and are prepared for. And while it may suck for me, it’s still ok in a sense. However, I have to voice my concern when this process becomes tainted/marred by the idea that a few pretty pictures was all that was needed to sway you in the other direction. I don’t want your commitment because of lust. I don’t want you to ‘love’ me, or hang around to rebuild the trust with me because you want a pretty girl on your arm. It was one of my concerns when I was with my ex. That part of the reason why he loved me so much was because I was something more than he ever hoped for. And sometimes I get the feeling that perhaps that same mentality lurks behind this one.
I want him to want me for me. Not because of my looks. The fact that he’s swaying means that most likely I shouldn’t hope too much. I don’t want him to commit to me, to a relationship, just because it may be the ‘right thing’ to do to make up for everything. I don’t want him to need to rationalize it. If he comes back, I want it to be because it’s something that he needs to do. That he wants to do. That compels him to want to be with me like nothing else can explain. I want it to be love in its truest form. Not this half hearted ‘let me think about it’ stuff.
And that line, ‘but by god it moved me back on track’ disturbs me to no end. It’s been going around and around in my circle like the peals of a gong.
Maybe it’s time to let go. Like really let go. Being friends isn’t all that bad. I can still have someone to tell my day to. I can still have someone to share the joys and the lows. But perhaps it’s time I let go of the hope or desire for more. I don’t want someone who wants me for lust or looks. I want someone to want me for me. And for a while there I really thought he was the one. But the fact that he’s trying to justify all this points to otherwise.
He tells me that we will talk about all this face to face. Ok, whenever you’re ready. All that needs to happen now is that I need to prepare my resolve. I need to prepare for all contingencies and make sure that I can handle whatever comes at me. Maybe it is like that Dashboard Confessional song that I posted up the other day. Maybe I am prepared for him to leave me, and maybe I’ll stop being honest with him about what I really want. I’ve never said it in as many words, but we know that he knows what I really desperately want. And the impression that I get is that his gut instincts aren’t the same as mine.
The other side of it is of course that we simply work differently. I work on emotion while he works by putting down all the pros and cons. And he’s probably more practical than me. Maybe. It seems to be his biggest argument. That we approach the same issue differently. I also know for a fact that I compromise a hell of a lot more than he does. At one stage the other night or a few nights ago, he actually said to me, ‘this is who I am’. As in, if you don’t accept me for what I am then that’s it. He can’t change. Although I’ve had a million discussions with people who argue both for and against the fact that people *can* in fact change. Even guys. Especially guys. But only if they believe that they can. They all do – but some just choose not to believe. Maybe they like to be secure in the knowledge that there is something of themselves that remains. I don’t know. I don’t know how a guy’s mind works when he is in love. This one it seems, is not in love with me. He just loves me, and that’s all.
I think I confused him the other night by putting up those pretty pictures. Best not to do that again. I don’t want to manipulate him. I just want an honest and open relationship. Sometimes thinking back I wonder if I went too far. But the lure of an ego boost after such a long period of depression, the idea that he was still attracted to me in some way overrode common sense. I don’t like mind games. I don’t like trying to twist things to my ideals. Only because most of the time I’ll lose =P and I’ve been burnt over things like that before.
The other thing of course is that I shouldn’t stop being myself just because I’m worried that he might read things otherwise. Just because it may seem like I’m manipulating him, doesn’t mean that is in fact the case. Nor does it mean I *can’t* put pretty pictures of me on msn. It’s not like I have to look all daggy and ugly just because I shouldn’t tempt him or whatever.
Friends.
*sigh*
I guess it’s time I start accepting the truth that he doesn’t want me. Not that way. He doesn’t know what he wants. And it would be dangerous to go back in again knowing that. We’ll be friends. Because it seems despite my bravado that we don’t need to be, I can’t help it sometimes and wish that I could talk to him. Or maybe it’s simply because I think or feel like I have the upper hand. Like I hold some insights that he does not know. And because of that, well… because of that I am superior. Knowledge is power peoples. Knowledge is power.
Of course until next we meet or talk and he throws the tables around. Sometimes I don’t think I want to know what it is he thinks or feels. If I can delude myself into believing that he is a confused little boy who deep down doesn’t want any commitment, but overall is continually swayed by a pretty girl to do unintentional hurtful things rather than a heartless man who wants the best of two worlds without having to sacrifice anything, then I will be content.
I hope.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:11 am
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