Procrastinating Butterfly
What happens when the deadlines pile up and you just feel so unmotivated as to simply spend the day moping/blog-surfing/watching current affairs shows (yes i know, i'm *that* desperate)? This chapter was supposed to be written 3 days ago. I just don't feel up to it. it's too big and lengthy, and i'm too out of my depth. there is nothing in there that even speaks to me on a true level. i'm doing this chapter because it has to be done. in the meantime, i'm reading on all this stuff which tells me that it's kinda useless because people have already covered it all... what to do? what to do? i have to go in to see my supervisor tomorrow.... i can't do that if i don't send him something decent.... this thing is due in less than 3 weeks..... everything that i've supposedly worked for is DONE and OVER in the next 3 weeks *gulp* the deadline's October 13. who would've thought that it would come flying in so fast???
*throws head in sink*
and here i am stupidly blogging away my time. I ended up going to bed early last night, surmising that i would wake up early today. i still ended up dragging myself up at 11.30 with the sleepy headache that tells me that i won't get much done today. ....GRRrrrRRrrr....
I wonder if you are in the same boat? last i heard you were having troubles with your supervisor and hadn't written up your introduction yet. "introduction here I come" were your exact words if i'm not mistaken. which says something, considering i tried to block you out most of that day...
I decided to see if my horoscope has any predictions for me today. or at least some words of wisdom to remotivate me.
It's hard not to be aware of the way you, walk, talk, think and throw yourself into your enthusiasms. You have a gift -- in fact, you have several -- so don't be afraid to use and share them. If you involve yourself in doing a good job not merely for the external rewards, but for the joy of doing something you love, your destiny will become clearer to you.
hrmm.. so as long as i believe in my thesis, everything will become clear? do you think the heavens could like, stop time for me so i that i can procrastinate, motivate and then produce the bestest thesis i could write, ever?? or would that be too silly?i don't understand... why can't i write??? what stops me from doing the things that need to get done?? I can't really blame it on you. I'm turning a corner regarding us. I think i am. The motto, "my plans still have you in them" may still hold true, but they're more wishful thinking now, than truly believing. I know somewhere in the back of my mind that we are too different in certain things for us to work out. But me being me, has to put myself through misery and beat myself every once in a while so i won't forget how it feels. i don't understand why i continually spend so much time thinking about you. you're gone and out of my life.
although i did wish last night that i'd also left the country. see, if i do that, then i'm guaranteed to get over you. i was flicking through a glossy magazine today looking at what is being held in terms of festivals etc in the city in october, and the 'life i am to lead' once this thesis is over (fancy restaurants, after hours drinks with work people, food festivals down at the park, etc etc - all the stuff i've always wanted to do, but never was able to), and i wondered if i would crash into you one day on one of my jaunts.
i wonder if i am doing the right thing by kicking you out of my life. this circumstance of ours is a little different to most (or maybe not?). you didn't cheat on me. supposedly if you are to be believed, you still love me. it's just that you don't want to be with me. and i think some of it, isn't even that you don't want to be, it's more that you've got it into your head that you can't give me everything that i need, therefore it's better for both of us, if you stay away. which hurts. there's probably some sick and twisted logic in there, that if i really sit down and hurt my head, it will become clear. but i choose not to.
i have gotten the impression lately that guys can tell you that they still love you, but that it's not the same as being 'in love' with you. just because you stop dating someone, doesn't stop you from caring about them. i guess.. except that as a girl, if you tell me that you care about me, i automatically wish and want more. i want you to care about me *that* way. i want you to love me, and *want* to spend time with me. but if i really take a step back from impetuous me, i'll discover that you really do have emotional issues. that most of the time you don't really know what you want, and that you're struggling not only with dealing with the emotions inside you, but also with trying as hard as possible not to hurt me. so maybe it is a good thing that you are leaving me.
but who would've thought that it would hurt that much? for you to stop mid-stream, just when things were going good and strong.. yes there were tensions running underneath... but love is supposed to override all that.. yes? or is this the disillusioned butterfly talking? the one who got duped by all the Hollywood sugar-coated romantic comedies? i just wish you loved me and wantd me as much as my ex seems to want and love me. horrible comparison. i know. my love life is just a running joke sometimes, i swear. even i have trouble trying to sympathise with myself...
i can and will kick you out of my life. it's just that i'd like to hold onto that fantasy that you will come back to me, just that little bit longer. it makes for things to pass by a little quicker i guess. or something.. *shrug* i wonder how things will pan out if you do come back though. i think it will take courage for you to come back. and it will take even more courage for you to come back a second time if i choose to rebuff you the first time. unfortunately, for my own pride i may be stupid and stubborn and kick you aside. but i know that you will treat that as the end, and not come back. and if that's the case, then you don't deserve me right? supposedly...
maybe all this angst and hurt over you is simply because you took something away from me.. by not giving me what i want, you make me want it even more. the old adage that you have to play hard to get in order for a guy to like and appreciate you.... i think i ended up trusting you so much that i threw all that in the air. i figured if i really did want you, and you seemed the same, then what's the point of playing cat and mouse? you'll win eventually anyway, and proceeded to hang my heart out on my sleeve. and in doing so, whether you noticed it or not, i think you probably did end up taking advantage of it a little.
when you take a step back from all of this, you end up realizing that there's nothing you can change. and the only thing i can do, is get on with my life. i'm not at the official stage where i no longer want you anymore. i'm a sad and sorry case, i know. if only i could stop procrastinating and get back to being really motivated in writing, then i could stop thinking about you again.
GrrrRrrr! *shakes head*
write, write, write....
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:55 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home