Impulsive Butterfly
Dear ***,I should not be writing this email to you. I am sure that you have noticed my silence and distant demeanour towards you of late. To be honest, I have been so for both our sakes. Firstly I have been so emotionally distraught since your decision that I did not feel it would be healthy for either of us for me to stay in any means or form. Secondly, I did not feel that my presence would help you in any shape or form. I know that you are capable, and I know that you are strong. And I know that you can get over little bumps in the road, in order to get the job done.
The day that you made your decision, you let me into a part of you, that I have been desperately trying to enter since we became close friends. It is so rare that you open up to me, like, honestly open up. Ironically you did so after it no longer mattered realistically whether or not you did or not.
The dynamics of what we are have changed. There is no doubt about that. And whether you know it or not I have had to make certain assumptions over us, in order for me to survive. One of the things that I have come to realize, and feel free to disprove me, is that no matter that you respected me and allowed me to be everything I was, I tried to be everything that you wanted. In the process of our ‘trial’ I let go of most of my vestiges of self respect, and simply walked on egg shells around you. I got so caught up with wanting you to stay, that I didn’t care that I was giving up a part of myself that I would not usually give out. You meant that much to me. ‘us’ meant that much to me.
Perhaps I have simply been in denial. I have been thinking a lot lately over your actions, and over my reactions to everything. Perhaps my own reactions have been too strong and unfair towards you. But to be honest, I think in some form, I have my reasons.
You may wonder then, why I choose to email you right now. There are only 18 days left to the end of this thesis, and in the early hours of the morning as I put to bed my first draft of my second last chapter, my thoughts drift to you. I received an email from you last week telling me that you weren’t doing well, that you were having supervisor problems and that you were starting to panic. I dismissed your email out of hand. Partly because I did not feel you warranted my sympathy – after all, you chose your thesis over me, so why should I care? And partly because I could not in all honesty be sympathetic towards you, on the chances that I would yet again cave in, let go of my self-respect and break down when your actions would remind me that you didn't want me/couldn't care less about the way that i was feeling. I couldn’t handle going through it all over again. And if I was to truly stand on my own two feet, it would be necessary for me to end us, the part of my life, which you have so obviously chosen to end.
But, I’d like to think that I’m getting over this. And perhaps I am ready to be more civil towards you. My nature does not make it easy for me to end friendships easily. And the fact that I am writing this email says to me that you mean more to me than I’d care to admit. Having said that, if you need someone to talk to over your thesis, I am here. It may not mean much, and you in turn may dismiss this email out of hand. If that is the case, so be it. I take it as closure. I’m not asking for anything. I’m just offering you a shoulder, if you so need it.
~ ***
~*~
In the early hours of the morning I caved in to my feelings and suddenly spared a thought for him. That (above email) was what resulted. I chose not to send it last night, thinking that I could make the decision this morning, or at the very least post it up and see if anyone had any comments regarding whether or not i should send it before i acted on my impulses.
I woke up this morning and was glad that i didn't send it. I went to bed feeling a lot less emotionally distraught. writing the email at the very least abated my treacherous feelings, if not exorcising them. most likely those feelings are still hanging around somewhere, but at least i've shut them up for a while.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 5:10 pm
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