Rhetorical Butterfly
Is it the thought that I'm not worth your time that kills me the most? Can a thesis really stop you in your tracks? the longest you stayed with your ex girflriends was 12? 13? 15? months. You loved them that much that you chose to stay. you stayed and struggled to keep the relationship afloat. making sure that the most fundamental difference - conversation - was constantly maintained.We have that connection (conversation). if we had it our way we'd talk until the cows retired to their beachfront property in the bahamas. What we don't have is the same outlook on love. I want to be able to show you how much i care. i want to be able to talk to you, and tell you my innermost thoughts. i want to give you everything that defines me. that to me, are the nuts and bolts of love. to give someone the most precious gift that they can give to another - themselves. i put up so many facades to the world. rough, tough and miss independent. caustic, opinionated, seemingly stubborn, and refuses to follow trends. yet underneath it all, all i really crave is for acceptance and love. I can be so fragile and sensitive. i can be so emotionally vulnerable. i go after what i want, but i can be just as scared as the next person that what i want isn't what i need, and am just as unsure as the next person that every decision i make could very well be a mistake.
Whereas your idea of love is friendship first. without the friendship there is nothing. yet you don't seem to want to treat me any differently from the rest of your friends. if that's the case, why claim that you love me, when you treat me no differently to the rest??? Not to say that our two outlooks on love are completely incompatible. compromise can be made - if we both work on it. i am willing to work on it, but as time has attested it is more me working and you accepting. it's a one way street with you sitting back and doing nothing. and that's just not fair. not if this relationship is to work out. in the immortal words of pop culture "it's not always rainbows and butterflies/it's compromise that moves us along" (Maroon 5 - look to right for more pop culture references).
Maybe i threw myself in too early. Maybe i trusted you too much. Maybe i shouldn't have opened up to the extent I did. Maybe I scared you. I had my little heart set on you, y'know? i so got carried away with what we could be, and not what we actually were.
regarding the downfall of this relationship, we both have our burdens to bear. i just wish it didn't have to hurt so much sometimes, that's all.
I acknowledge that I can't wish this never happened to me. How can i appreciate what i have, if i don't meet heartbreak head on? How can I expect to grow emotionally if i do not drive over the speed humps? I guess i should thank you for teaching me this lesson, to love someone so much and know what it feels like to have my heart broken. hopefully i will remember to tread more cautiously next time. i know that i am impetuous. i know that i am impatient. but at least i know what the true consequences are now.
I know how much you hate cliches, and I hope that this relationship wasn't a cliche for you.
Life can be so empty without love. It can be so empty without someone to hold onto, anchoring you.
I miss the excitement you brought into my life. The toes curling, the accelerated heartbeats, the twisted tummy aches, the butterflies whenever i saw you in person, spent time with you, or talked to you on the phone. I miss the smiles you brought to my life, and the contentedness knowing that the person i loved and adored also loved and adored me. I never cried out of happiness over a guy until i met you.
I'm sorry I scared and pushed you away. at the same time, I don't regret it. If I could go back, maybe i would reign in some of my actions. but given my emotionally vulnerable state at the time, I recognise that i had my reasons. perhaps you are not as emotionally secure or ready for a long term serious relationship as you had first believed. and you had to learn that lesson at my expense. if that's the case, so be it. they say that people come into your life for a reason. i guess so... if that's the reason I came into yours, maybe your reason to come into mine was to show me that i needed to remember who i was, and that my ex and i were not to be. maybe you gave me the reason/excuse/courage to set things right in that relationship, and go after what i really wanted, rather than just settling.
*sigh*
Am i just being childish or over-dramatic in my defeatist attitude and 'so be it' rhetoric?? most probably. but are there any other ways that i can express my anger and hurt that i feel at being rejected? no. so i guess everything just cancels everything else out, huh?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 2:40 am
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