Musing Butterfly
it's been just about a month since everything blew up in my face. i was going through my phone today and came across a message that i sent on the day everything was effectively 'sorted out'. *sigh* one week after that i deleted him off my phone and chat programs, and proceeded to set up my little blog. *hugs new best friend* Since then it's been about two weeks... and in 5 days, it will officially be a month. *sigh*let's see if i've achieved anything:
- Written up draft of chapter 1
- Written up draft of chapter 3
- In the process of writing up draft of chapter 2 (and it's not going well)
- Written around double the word count of my thesis for this blog (which goes to prove that the word count CAN be done.. if only i'd motivate myself. ha! *goes off to rifle in the fridge for more icecream and junk food to keep me occupied and away from the thesis*
- Probably lost another few kgs of weight. junk food and peach tea can only take you so far...
- Hair's grown a little longer - enough to tie up into a decent pony tail
- Cried sufficient amount of tears to reverse the drought warnings
- Longest amount of time since i've had any contact with him at all = 12 days. not quite two weeks.. but my god it felt like forever...
- Deleted him off my chat programs and mobile
- Become a little (lot?) more accepting of the way things are
- Still believes that the world revolves around ME ME ME...
- Been told by a friend that i've been the closest thing to his 'fantasy girl' (no, not *that* way... more as in the girl you want as a gf..) which has helped boost my ego and gotten me out of the depression funk - if only because i have a 'fall back' of sorts for my emotional well-being - despite the fact that he's halfway across the world. *looks back at last sentence* ...i sound like an emotional/relationship leech, if not just a teensy weensy bit desperate. *sigh*)
- Found out that my ex would still love me to come back (reassuring to know that after 2 years i wasn't that easy to get over, but given everything, i don't think i can go back, and in many ways, while emotionally stablising and reassuring, paradoxically, i find myself resentful because i want to revel in the feeling that no one wants me, and i choose to be alone, independent, and internally and intensely bitter and angry. go figure.
..so are they things that i should be proud of?
y'know though, he's (guy that i've been moping after for so long) noticed that i no longer want to talk to him. i wonder if he even acknowledges or cares. i watch all these other breakups where the protagonists move on with their lives and they don't even give a damn - or at least never express to me their misery, sorry and angst. does this make me an obsessive compulsive girl who has nothing better to do? does this make me so pathetic and sad that i really should just go out more?
what is it about me that i can't seem to get over a guy who has obviously treated me badly, doesn't want me in their lives as a gf, and yet i keep on harbouring hopes or at the very least wasting my precious writing time thinking about him? what is it in me that makes me want to hold on? even though i know its futile. somewhere in the back of my mind i know that we're not going to work out. i know. and i think that even if he came back to me, i may well still refuse. but for whatever reason, i can't 'move on' move on y'know? like... i can go about my own life, but i can't help but think back sometimes. maybe i epitomise that cliche about 'its the past that makes us who we are?' or would that just be my vain egotistical side showing?
i watch people get chucked to the wayside pick themselves up, brush themselves off and move on without nary a glance back. whereas i'll sit down for a little while, bawl my eyes out, watch everyone from my vantage point on the side of the road, before getting up and walking. but every once in a while as i walk, i'll look back to that spot, or i'll make a few pilgrimages to the spot where i fell. little trips back to remember what it felt like. silly isn't it? or will doing this keep me humble? no, i don't think it's got anything to do with humility. maybe i just want to revel in misery and always feel justified for that bitter and angry side that i keep hidden? maybe it's my vanity. maybe i have a streak in me that chooses to blame people for their mistakes so i don't have to look or admit that i have my own? that i was just as responsible for things going wrong as they were?
i think i am justified in a way for my anger at him. i do believe that he did wrong by me. but am i really allowed to say that? i mean.. you can't force someone to want to stay with you. that wouldn't be fair. and just because i'm heartbroken doesn't give me the credos to yell and scream and wreak havoc on him and all his wordly possessions. right? everyone gets heartbroken whether we like it or not, and it's a fact. so is he really to blame for breaking my heart? i knew somewhere in the back of my mind that things would/might one day turn out like this. i knew that he had the upper hand. but i went in anyway. so for that moment alone, doesn't that mean anything? doesn't that cancel out this anger that i harbour towards him? i mean, am i really allowed/justified to be angry at him? not so much on the 'what does anger achieve' side of things, but more, 'does it really matter'? and it's not like he didn't have his reasons. and maybe somewhere he's dying inside (i hope so). and if that's the case, then am i just being childish by placing the blame at his feet, and pointing the accusatory finger?
and sometimes the feelings i have, aren't even anger at all! it's just that sense of defeat. there's a line that i have. it might be a tolerancy threshold. who knows. i'd like to think that it's a little more tolerant than most. but even i have my limits. and when i cross it, i might not care. but when i actually take stock and realise what i've done, i end up berating myself for crossing it. because sometimes the rewards don't reflect the effort. and because my threshold is already so much further than most, not only do i have to deal with the fact that most people wouldn't have gone as far as i went, but also that under NO circumstances would they have gone even further. and then i hate myself for having gone so far. and my feelings of self-worth just die...
i remember reading once that breakups are usually based around a person's emotional dependency. that most break ups result from either one person or the other being too dependent. in this case, that person would be me. at the same time... it might just be timing. but even if it was timing - do you honestly think that i could go back? i don't know. you'd have to do a lot of work. and i mean A LOT of work. and as one of my friends pointed out to me last night... he's gutless. and he is. even she commented that he should've come up to me to talk and see if i was ok. who cares that i asked for space?? if you *truly* wanted to be my friend, you wouldn't be so chicken to check up on me via sms.
COWARD.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 8:32 pm
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