Evaluating Butterfly
I was clearing out my email, and I came across an email I wrote Him the week before i ended things with my ex, and somehow started the 'relationship' of sorts with Him. I've just been sitting here reading it, and it's interesting to see the things that i wrote, and then think/compare to how things have actually turned out. Sort've puts some things in perspective, and lets me evaluate how far i have come, or fallen behind as it may seem. i don't think i ever envisioned when i wrote the email in June that by the end of September things would be so drastically different.I've decided to blog the email here, since the majority of this blog is dedicated to catharsizing my relationship demons, while cataloguing all my emotional angst. and hey, if i blog it up here, then i get to delete it from my email and leave more space for spam mail. lol.
note: E* = 'ex'
all bolded statements are my own emphasis (i.e. not bolded when the email was originally written)
~*~*~*~
Dear ***,
Well it seems like i'm making a habit out of emailing huh? *Grin*
Thanks for the call this morning, I appreciate it. To be honest i didn't expect you to call back this morning. I thought I might've caught you online today, or maybe have a long phone call with u later this weekend. Your call basically woke me up, and i wasn't exactly preparing what i needed to know or say in my sleep.... lol
I came to email you in an attempt to explain things to you, because in my half awake state, I wasn't sure if things were clear for you or not...
In case you're wondering - which knowing the way i think and the way you seem to be, or at the very least the way that i pick up the way you are, I wasn't 'upset' upset, or in pain when i rang you last night. I just needed to know where we stood. I needed to know whether Tuesday had impacted on you or not. Because you never said yea or nay. You simply admitted that we broke, or 'shattered' any form of control, and that was it. and you only spoke about it because i brought the topic up. I know that you haven't thought things through, and whatever else, and you didn't want to give me any answers or make any statements if they were all up in the air. So i didn't push. I was going to wait it out until you decided that we would need to 'talk.' because after last week, you had told me that even if i hadn't brought up everything, we would've talked about it eventually - i.e you would've talked to me about it. so i figured this time around, instead of me bringing it up, and potentially getting us into another situation where we get upset and angry at each other, i thought i'd let you sort things out and then let you instigate things.
But here's the thing... lately I have spent a lot of time around you. To the point where even my mother's been asking me what's going on =P LOL. I always have fun around you - i've always had fun around you. You give me a space in time where we can just laugh and make fun of the world. And it's nice. It's really *really* nice... at the same time, while you give me all of this, E* has been busy. really busy with his own things. And as i deal with his 'departure' of sorts, I find myself drifting. When i do end up spending time with him, some of the time, most of the time, there are things that i want to talk and tell him about that he just wouldn't understand, simply because he is not there. i.e. A lot of things have progressed, a lot of things have happened since i last really spent 'time' with him. Most of that time i've spent with you. Uni work, work work, family stress.. the whole supervisor saga, even the Duck Kingdom has made more of an impact on me these last 2 months. And when i tell you about these things, or when you've experienced these things with me... retelling them to E*.. sometimes, it just seems to defeat the purpose. It's strange... it's like, sometimes i can't be bothered telling him... i don't know why... there's been a few times where there's been silence on the phone when i talk to him, because I just don't know what to say to him. Distance does funny things to relationships.
Things with E* and me have always been rocky. There have been really *really* good times, and then there has been little things that get me. that somehow or other escalate into really *really* bad times. And to be honest, lately I have seriously considered ending things. I simply don't feel like I matter anymore. I feel like any spare moment he has, he doesn't spend it on me. He's got his work, he's got his family, he had his friend from overseas. And i'm just relegated to the way side. And i figured if that was the case, then why bother staying? i mean, i've already given up harbouring any hopes of things. If he promises to call, he ends up not calling. and then when he does eventually call a day later, it's like nothing had happened in between. no apologies, not even acknowledgement that he was supposed to have called. late arrivals with no explanation other than a shrug, or a look that said, 'u should know why, don't start' or something to that effect... it just felt like i wasn't wanted. And when you present me with all the stuff that you do, you make an effort to spend time with me. You explain to me when and why you can or can't talk to me on certain days, you offer me comfort and a hug when i need it, and you're in the same work situation as me, with uni and stuff, I can't help but turn towards you. I can't help but open up and seek solace in you. In some ways it can be taken that i'm substituting. In others, the fact that when i turn to you, and I turn to him, and I see things that to me indicate that it appears he doesn't care, also says some other things too. I'd like to think that I have been there for you also, and that I haven't just taken and not given anything back in return. I do care for you. More than can easily be expressed. You being in my life means more to me than you could possibly know. The thought of you turning to me one day and saying 'i'm leaving' because of something i did, or your simple disappearance 'one day' terrifies me. I respect you in ways that ironically i also hate in others. LOL. You're so stubborn when you choose to be. You have your own way of doing things, and yes I may disagree and I may not do them the same way, but at the very least I do respect and understand that they are your ways....
But yes, after Tuesday, even though on Tuesday itself, when i told you that it didn't change anything, in my mind when i told you what i did at campbelltown station, I also thought to myself, I care about you so much, and i want to spend my time with you all the time, but I can't express any of it. and i can't change the situation I'm in. So in my mind TUesday ended up being an unexpected opportunity to express my feelings to you. And at the same time you did the same. It was like a little plane of existence where both of us could simply let the other know how much we cared for each other. and it wouldn't detract from where we were, what we felt, or where we stood as friends. Like you said this morning, these last three days have kinda been like a pergutory of sorts.
But last night, I had a phone call from E*. One that i asked for, so not exactly the perfect situation -if it was, it would've been *him* ringing me out of the blue- but anyway.. lol, he told me a few things that made me reconsider in that maybe i've been reading the past 2 months wrong and he does in fact care more than he lets on. Because to be honest, despite what he says and tells me, sometimes he has a very funny way of showing it. Or maybe we were never on the same wavelength to begin with, and I never knew what was going on. But if nothing else, that phone call made me reconsider my position. Because like i said earlier in this email, these last two days I have been thinking about things. seriously thinking about the both of you, and based on how things have been lately, I was seriously considering ending things... because it says a lot when you get to the point that you don't care whether that person is there or not. and you get tired of hoping that the person you care about will turn up. when you get to that point when you think, 'gee.. he says he's going to turn up, but 9 times out of 10, he won't..' and you end up setting yourself for the fall.. and preparing for the worst... well, why bother staying at all? I figured if i was drifting, regardless of where he stood, then it wouldn't matter right? Because it would be silly to stay. and in some ways not fair, and quite hurtful to him.
But last night, after talking to him, I'm wondering if I have read things wrong. I don't know how Monday night will turn out. It will probably depend on whether I have a good time out or not. LOL. (oh, how fickle females are...lol) And whether we can 'reconnect' so to speak, or whether i will still feel the same as before that there's nothing there to salvage on my side....
And so, in me trying to contact you last night... I needed to see whether or not Tuesday had impacted on you the same way. i.e. a little window of opportunity outside of the norm to show/illustrate how things were for u at the moment, without consequences. Which was how i ended up summing it up that evening, and why i reassured you that you would not get a lecture over it, simply because i returned everything that you gave me. Willingly. And i didn't feel anything other than how much I cared. At no time did i think, how would i explain this if E* was there? Or, should i really be doing this? And when i kissed you, all i thought about was you. Nothing else.... So in my mind, I did nothing wrong. I was simply expressing to you how i felt... maybe in the big scheme of things, or considering the entire situation, what i did, or what you did, or what we both did, was wrong. But honestly? What happened, at least to my mind, in no way detracted from anything, other than the fact that it was a situation where both of us had missed each other so much.. and that we both just wanted the other to know how much.
When i asked you on Tuesday night what u thought etc. All i had wanted to know was whether that was what you had taken away from Tuesday night also. Or if it was simply that you had sworn that you weren't going to, the voices overrode ur reason, and then u went on automatic pilot. Or maybe you simply took an opportunity where i responded and threw caution to the wind for 'one more time', or whether because i had responded with such fervour, whether you expected more from me, and treated this as a catalyst, or at the very least, a stepping stone to a more clearer perspective of 'us' as a couple, rather than as simply close friends. I didn't want to tell you what i summed it up as in the aftermath, simply because i didn't want to deal with having you say 'what you said' because the situation could lead to me thinking 'what if conciously or subconciously you took my scenario, and because you cared that much about where i stood and how i deal with things, you automatically agreed with what i said'. I would rather you have told me what i told you today upfront without any chance of me influencing your thought process whatsoever, than have to deal with an opportunity or slight chance even if it was a 0.0000000000001% that what i think or say has any bearing on how ur thought processes go.
I don't know if this email helps things. I'm pretty sure that some of the stuff i've said today will be repetitive of previous emails. I just don't feel right asking for something, your opinion of where we stand, without giving you the full picture. I don't want you to misunderstand anything. This email is written simply to let you know how i feel at the present time. It may or may not change by Monday night. I don't know. But at the very least, right now, at this very moment, you can be proud to tell the world that you are communicating with a *very* confused girl. LOL I've tried to be as honest as I can with you. Even though I know that I care about you, I have to be honest when i tell you that despite my genuiness towards you, the substituting part - there is still a chance that that has some part no matter how small to play. But it also says something when i end up treating you in that position and i don't end up treating my boyfriend in his designated position either. I know that this can not be easy for you in any way. In some ways i wonder if it would be better for us and all concerned if i stayed away for a little while and toned down the contact. which was the other reason why the other night i struggled so hard not to sms or prank or email you. and yesterday when i discovered that my "grand email" had been sent to another email address, i didn't immediatley tell you about it, even though i wanted to. Every time a little thing happens in my life lately, I want to tell you about it. I want to share it with you. My emotional life is a very confused and piecemeal thing. It always was. And to be honest, even if i ended things with E* tomorrow, I wouldn't immediately jump into a relationship with you. I would spend time with you - definately. But i think that it would be better for the both of us in that scenario, that we gave it time, and reestablished our friendship before anything else. because the present situation that we're in, is not only complex and complicated, it's also... an exception if you like. everything is like accelerated, because we know that we can't have what we want. so when we get given opportunities to take even a little of that, we jump the gun a bit. at least that's what i think anyway. feel free to disagree and tell me about it. I also have to be honest when i say that even if we started going out, I have no guarantees that things would turn out great. Things could very well fall apart within weeks or months. When you wish for something, when it comes into reality, they don't necessarily turn out the way you want them to, or even how you envisaged them to be. NOt that i'm saying they won't.. i'm just saying... that you have to consider that, and i'm just saying upfront that things can't be guaranteed to go smoothly. as we already know, I'm not exactly the best person to form relationships with. Demanding, high maintenance, selfish, oh sorry, i mean self"less", abandonment and neglect issues, time and place, etc etc, the list goes on... gee what's there not to like? lol
I don't expect an email back from you regarding this whole epic of mine. Because i know that you don't communicate well on this medium. To be honest, I was really touched that you seemed so expressive last night on msn. It was really sweet and meant a lot to me to have you tell me things that you normally don't tell me. and it meant a lot to me to know how much i meant to you. It seems a lot of things that you do lately make me smile and feel so touched and happy inside. But at the very least I would like a response from you in some form. Be it a phone call or a sit-down talk next time we see each other, because you tell me that you do better in those situations, I will be happy to go with whatever way you decide. Believe it or not, I can talk face to face, it just takes time is all.. LOL. It's just that I don't usually have all my emotions hanging on my sleeve, and I tend to shy away from vulnerable situations wherever possible, which is why writing an email or chatting through msn is such a preferable medium for me. For me as a defence mechanism really. Because i'll be the first to admit that even though email and msn has its charms, and it gives me time to prepare my responses, as well as some control over the situation, I do sacrifice the 'human element' lol. And in turn the person on the other side also ends up controlling the responses they give.and they can also prepare whatever answers they choose to give me. While in person, whatever response is whatever genuine response. and if you tell me that you work better that way, then i will cater to you. Because I want to know what goes through your head. honestly i do. and i need to be reassured that what you tell me is true. not htat i don't believe u when u tell me things online or via email - just that i want double confirmation is all. LOL. rock solid truth.. lol
So again, i apologise if the things i have told you in this email regarding my situation with E* crosses the line between friendships and relationships. I'm sorry if i'm commiting the greatest of faux pas when i write this email. I'm sorry if i've placed you in an even more awkward position than before, and I'm sorry if i'm going about this friendship/relationship thing all wrong. but to be honest, i think we threw out the rule book a long time ago. Maybe i'm being selfish in trying to make myself feel better by writing and sending this email off to you. but at the very least this one's going to the right address.. lol
I'm sorry if this email means that you have to act like the 29 year old and put me back in my place. I accept any decision you make. all i want you to know is where i am at this current situation, and where things could go after monday. because i think that it's only fair that you know. E* means a lot to me, if only because we've been in this relationsihp for so long. Which i know in some cases is not reason enough. I know that i have been drifting lately, but i'm not 100% over what the reason is. It may well be that without you in the picture I would continue to be in that limbo for how many more years. With a few nights out tagged as the 'best nights' out ever, and the rest of it quite miserable. which may or may not be how relationships are supposed to go. I don't know.. I know that relationships aren't supposed to be all happy and cotton candy... i accept that reality. I also know that sometimes you need really bad times to sort things through. and i also acknowledge that you have to deal with all their faults and foibles... at the same time... depending on how you look at things, maybe you being here gives me an opportunity to see that there wasn't that much or as much in that relationship as i had thought. or maybe, you being here will make me realise what i'm about to lose if i choose to leave. It's all very complicated, and i know that it must so suck to be you. which is why i have tried my best, and i know that i have so miserably failed, at trying to emphasize the friendship element with you. On the weekend when i got upset over not being able to talk to you for more than ten minutes,and the few times i've brought up the fact that there are more silences in our conversations - it was meant as a side ways thing to try and move us back to 'friendsihp' level. I want the conversations that we used to have. The ones that emphasized to the both of us how much we enjoyed each other's company. the ones that made time fly by. not that i'm sayiing there's anything against missing each other or simply smiling at each other... but it's just... i want to experience that platonic level again, because sometimes it seems to me that our feelings for each other seem to override everything else. and as nice as that is, and it is wonderful, I don't want to get too caught up in that, and forget why i started liking you in the first place. ...does that even make sense? or have i just lost you in the waffling and making the most simplest sentences so complex it's not funny? *rueful smile*
Well, it's 1.45 here. So i guess i better get started on my essay. Or at the very least drown my sorrows with spider for a few more hours before the sun decides to set.
I hope this clarifies things in some form or other. and i hope that we can talk about it in some form or other. Whatever medium that you personally find more comfortable will be fine by me. Don't make your decision based on my comfort level. I will be willing to deal with it however you want to deal with it, and i will be willing to wait until that time that you're ready to talk about it. ...just don't make it too far off in the future ok? Purgatory is great and all... but my bum starts feeling numb after sitting waiting too long =P LOL. and you have to admit, bringing this up 15 years down the track can be a bit awkward when you have to struggle to remember exact scenarios and context. =) I will let you know how things go on Monday night sometime next week whenever i get to talk to you.
I just wanted you to know how i get around to making my decision processes, simply because I was so close this week to changing everything. I still am in some ways. In some, i was more closer this week than i've ever been. well, at the very least, emotionally ready anyway. considering that i have actually broken up with him before.. but anyway. if things on monday end up with me staying.... i want you to know why. and i also want you to know that it in NO WAY detracts from how i feel about you, and what i expressed to you on tuesday - because they were and are, absolutely genuine. I will always love you regardless of the situation we will be in. At the same time, if i choose to stay, it will also mean that we will need to change the dynamics between us. and i will unfortunately need to make a distinction between the two of you. something which i have somehow unconciously done in the last 2 months, with u somehow ending up on top without me even realising.
like i said earlier, i'm really, really, really, *REALLY* sorry that i've placed you in such an awkward position. if you choose at the end of the day not to respond because you feel that anything you have to say, want to say, or feel emotionally has already been covered to death, and would just be repetitive rather than help or allieviate the situation in any way, I will understand. and i will no longer push you for anything. I don't want to force you to answer something that goes against your principles =)
I hope i haven't muddied the waters too much.
Much love,
****
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 7:02 pm
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