Defining Butterfly
Walk tall. Stand proud. Be strong in yourself. If there is something you feel inclined to shrink away from, don't! Instead, take a bold step closer towards it. Jupiter and Saturn are urging you to face your fear. Even if you have a need to backdown or apologise for something, do it with honesty, sincerity and dignity. You can make a success of almost anything now, as long as you speak from the heart whilst looking people straight in the eye. You don't have to tell everyone everything. You should, though, tell them what it is only fair for them to know.
I’ve made a booking to see someone next Friday night. I’ve spoken to a few people in the last week, and the more I do this, the more I realise perhaps I didn’t stick to my guns enough. I am swayed by other people. It seems that I define myself through other people – which is not a good way to live. There seems to be no way to get out of this alive.
I promised to make it easier for mum, to open my heart to her. Yet we sat in silence to the station this morning. I could’ve told her about me going to the races this Saturday. But I didn’t. I could’ve told her I went out with his family to yum cha last Sunday. But I didn’t. I could’ve told her that it was his birthday last week, but I didn’t. So I couldn’t tell her that I made him a meal, and made a perfect pavlova. Everything I say, she comes away feeling left out, discarded. It seems even if the stars are out and telling me to be strong, somewhere deep inside, it seems that I can’t.
I’m a bit depressed after having a money discussion with my boyfriend over the Visa bill. And how money will always be tight as long as I choose to continue paying my mother. I find it harsh to say that I choose to. It is true what everyone says – he will never understand. And the more I think about it, the more I wonder why I didn’t have enough courage back in April to back down and stand firm and say no. And let him walk away, out of my life. Let him love me from afar, and let that be it. Why I couldn’t be strong and brave? Why did I have to choose him? He was too impatient, and I let him.
Why did I let him define me?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:51 pm
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