Sweeter Butterfly
I have been itching to write all week. Yet every time I put pen to paper, I find my mind goes blank. Time, motivation, inclination, it all seems against me. I miss composing narrative prose. I miss trying to paint a picture by stringing words together. I miss my attempts at creating eloquence.Home life has settled a little since I moved out. She no longer rages. And after going home on Tuesday night, it seems perhaps I can see a bit of light at the end of this depressing and miserable tunnel. Sitting there on the carpet that evening, looking up at her as she sat in her armchair and hemmed a pair of pants, I attempted to talk to her. But most of the time, it was just spent in silence.
“I love you. My moving out doesn’t mean I don’t. I just thought that this would be the best solution for all of us at the moment.”
“I haven’t asked for the house keys back now, have I?”
No, thank god.
Dad contacted me and asked to see me. When I got around to ringing him back, he gave me an interesting revelation. From a man who has never showed much affection towards me, more of a bemused detachment, he said quite frankly, “In English, I guess what I’d be trying to say is that ‘I miss you.’” I don’t know whether to believe that or not. I don’t think he would have rung if mum hadn’t prompted him to. I have no idea what went on between the two of them, or what she said to him on the phone. All I know is that she rang him.
I’m going down to the coast this weekend. Another short break away from it all. I haven’t had time to settle in at my new place yet. But we’re getting there. I want to stretch my wings out a little and confirm my independence. And whereas earlier my main motivation to leave, was to get out of a situation where my mother was constantly screaming at me (escape), in the last two days, I feel a lot more like using this time away positively. As a chance to learn how to be independent.
Putting a life together is fun. I’m applying for a credit card, I sorted out my private health insurance. I’m on the way to getting a wireless broadband internet connection. And now that my phone plan has expired, I’m also dabbling with the idea of getting a new mobile. Or maybe I’ll just get a prepaid. It’s not like I don’t have a phone already. I’m thinking about purchasing a different kind of anti-virus program. I have a dislike of norton anti-virus. Not because it doesn’t do its job, but because I have to pay so much for a program, and then pay even more on top of that to upgrade. And the cycle doesn’t ever stop. It can’t just run peacefully in the background. Oh no, it has to remind me, inform me of its presence, of its residence in my hard drive over and over and over again.
I need to sort out my freedoms. My money is no longer ‘my’ money, it’s ‘our’ money. He wants a joint bank account. I’d rather not. I want the freedom to spend what is mine. Well, what little of it that is mine these days. Most of it goes to my mother and her house bills.
I’m putting lists together of material posessions I’d like to acquire. I want, I want, I want. The photo/scanner/copier than mum bought six months ago is selling for 99 at the post office downstairs. I’m tempted to buy it. It’s an epson. And they’re supposedly the best when it comes to printing colour. But there’s a prettier canon at a slightly higher price. Which means, perhaps that it’s a little better than the epson. When I went up north I found this soaps and cosmetics practice at the local markets. I’m tempted to buy some more of their stuff. I think I’m just in retail therapy mode right now. Who knows. But the body balm I bought is nearly finished. And I wanted to try some of the other soaps they offered. They’ve got a website online, so that shouldn’t be difficult. But I’m budgeting. So we shall see. Yesterday, I had 4 slices of toast with margerine for lunch. Two slices at 1pm, two slices at 3pm. Speaking of which, I’m hungry again. And lunch won’t happen for another hour. Meanwhile, I need to remove and repaint my nail polish. I know – how mundane and girly.
We’re going down to the pub tonight. A work colleague is featuring in a band. So this will be interesting. 30 year olds attempting to relive their younger days by playing in a band. I really shouldn’t say derogatory things about them. I do like them – after all, they pretty much are my friends these days. I don’t circulate much outside of work. Whether I like it or not, it seems that work and home are my two worlds these days.
I don’t think I’ll need to go back to see my counsellor. Last I spoke to her, she was trying to insist I see a doctor about getting a prescription for anti-depressants. And in between my crying and explanations, all she kept saying was, “it’s difficult. I know.” That doesn’t help me. My cousin argues that my dad should be able to help me in my situation, while my boyfriend argues that perhaps I shouldn’t expect him to help, or even go into it thinking to tell him everything. Rather, I should just try and mend fences or find out why he has never been around much in my life. I don’t know. I’ll think about it. I’ll be seeing him Sunday week, so it’ll give me a little while to think about it first at least.
There are days when everything seems ok. And doable. At least now I don’t have that panicky drowned feeling that family has shut their doors on me. Don’t get me wrong, family life is still difficult. But at least it’s not as confronting.
Course I could just be imagining things.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:15 pm
2 Comments:
Glad to know that life is getting a little better...
Haven't been updating because i got into a little workplace accident... hahaha
Cheers and enjoy what you can =)
I'm in the process of signing up for a credit card.
I'm aiming towards unwired. they have the cheapest deals and seem most worthwhile. and it's a no contract, and therefore no connection fees. the credit card is the only catch.
if that one falls through, i'll have to go on telstra. would really prefer not to, but we shall see.
thanks for the tip on the antivirus software. Here's a techy question while I'm here - does this mean i'll have to uninstall anti norton? I was told once that if you run 2 anti virus programs, they cancel each other out..
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