Emailing Butterfly
Dear ___,I don't really know how to start this email to you. I guess the first thing I should make sure you're aware of is that I love you very much. You are the most important person in the world to me, and no one can ever replace you. Mum is just as important to me.
I don't know how you see things. But I need you to be aware that I do in fact love her very much. The reason I'm moving out is because I don't believe that me staying will be conducive to anything. Believe me when I tell you that this is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I really did want to stay. Home is important to me, and given a choice I would in fact stay. But the truth of the matter is I can't. Mum can't accept what I've done and won't forgive me. She stores up all her anger and throws it at me every time I come home. Every time I come home, I feel like a target. She makes me feel like I am responsible for the happiness of this family. When in fact I believe everyone has a part to play in making sure a family is a family.
I seriously believe that she needs help. I feel like sheÂs using me as a scapegoat for all her pain. She had a hard childhood. She feels guilty for never being there for our grandmother. And she be it intentionally or not is trying to relive her life through me. She sees me leave the family early and she fears that I will follow in her footsteps. I don't think she ever forgave herself for leaving our grandparents. Especially after dad left. There's also the face thing. You know, not wanting to look bad in front of our relatives. Because in chinese culture, I've basically done something bad, and it reflects on her.
On top of which if you've actually listened to her, sometimes I don't think she really knows what she wants. She gets so contradictory in her attitude, in her expression. She's just as lost as the rest of us. The only difference is that she's our mother.
She feels like I'm only making her problems with her family worse. But I'll be honest with you. I have tried to make this work. All of the people I've talked to - they would've left and stopped paying the family in the first 3 months. None would have stayed. I'm not saying I will stop paying. I will continue paying. It is my duty, and I know how hard it is to be without money. I don't want you guys to suffer any more than you already have. It's just that in some ways I feel like I've always tried to be the best daughter to mum, at the expense of myself. There's lots of things that I want to do, that I feel I can't do. The only way I can do them is if I I do them by mum's rules. But this means that I'm letting her rule my life. When do I get to do what I want to do? When do I get to have a say over my own life? This is my life, not hers.
She will argue that she is just looking out for me and doesn't want me to do wrong. The fact of the matter is, life is made up of mistakes. You can't stop someone from doing something - even if you believe it's for their own good. I'm sorry that I haven't made this any easier for you or her, but I believe that at the end of the day, if I had told her now, or if I had told her in 2 years time things wouldn't change. She would still get upset. Because I'm impacting, replaying something that happened to her 10 years ago when dad left.
I would never have been able to move out to live with him. You know that, don't you? She says that we could have been independent, but the fact of the matter is, I don't really believe she could let us go. Not that that is a bad thing. I do want her in my life. I do want you in my life. It's just that there comes a point when I have to start living my own life.
I didn't do all of this at the expense of your pain and unhappiness. I truly didn't. It's just that there is nothing I can do to fix this, short of ending my relationship. And I can't do that. And to be honest, I shouldn't have to choose between her and him. I will be honest with you and say that I think she is just as responsible for this "tragedy" as I am. In fact, she may well be a little moreresponsiblee. I don't mean to say that I played no part - I did.
In moving out, I think both mum and I need some space. I can't handle living at home anymore, and it has nothing to do with you. For every time that she yells at me telling me that I've hurt her, for every time that she makes me feel responsible for the happiness of this family, for every time she lays a guilt trip on me, it makes me feel pressured. There is a point where I will break. my work has already suffered.
if I stay at home and listen to anymore of what she has to say about being 'responsible' for all the hurt and pain, if I stay and listen to any more guilt trips about why I did this to her, I will seriously go insane. no one should be given full responsibility for that. it may sound harsh, but the only person we are responsible for is ourselves. yes we must be considerate to others - it's a part of being a mature adult. but at the same time, you can't be expected to fill gaps in people's lives. It's hard enough to be our own person, let alone someone else's. Mum needs to be responsible for her actions, just like I have to. Am I making any sense? Yes she feels hurt, she has a right to. But that doesn't mean at the expense of me - whereby if she continues to do this, I will lose my sanity.
and that's not anexaggerationn. You saw me last night. I had no control over how my hands were acting. Mum's not rational these days. She really isn't, no matter what you may think or believe.
I honestly believe she needs some professional help. It's not that I don't want to help out family, I do. It's just that in the current circumstances, the only way I can help is if I leave.
I will still come home to visit. To pay mum and to see how you are. You are the most important person in the world to me.
I love both of you very much, and I don't want you to ever forget or doubt that.
Much Love,
_________
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:49 am
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