Clearing Butterfly
In many ways I feel like I am ready to talk.The words have been tumbling around in my head like clothes in a washing machine or dryer. Round and round they go. Doubling back on themselves. It's time to rinse and wring. Rinse and hang. Rinse and dry.
I feel compelled to talk, yet at the same time I'm worried that in the process of talking I end up muddying it up. I want to give the counsellor a distilled version of the facts. I'm worried in blogging it out that it will become less genuine once I talk to her about it.
In essence, I know that I am at the heart of all this heartache and pain. I have no one to blame but myself. And I accept that. I have no choice.
The issue now, is where do I go from here?
Where do I go indeed? The mother-daughter relationship in practically all its realities is gone. My fault.
And while my boyfriend loves me, I can't blame him for what he did. Yes, I resented him doing what he did. But at the same time he wouldn't have, if I had been more sure of myself. I'm worried in a way that I will have to let him go also.
But I'm not afraid.
I feel strangly calm today. Strangely clear.
I don't know how to explain it. Mum stood there today yelling at me. She told me in the car that I had to choose. That I could only have one or the other, I couldn't have both. And then she wryly remarked that I had already chosen.
That they no longer welcome me. I just sat there letting the words wash over me.
I've started to try and block work from my mind. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to not let people faze me.
Mum argues that I'm just living in a dream. Am I? I don't know.
My boyfriend believes that I am trying to look for a silver bullet. And that there is none.
Work will get better. And if the job goes, then the job goes. So be it.
In some ways I feel very fated.
A chain of events. This is my life, whether I like it or not.
You know the thing I hate most about therapy? That the waiting time between one session and another is like 'dead time'. It's like I sit there and wait for the rest of my life to begin.
My boyfriend argues that I like clear defining moments. And that often, in life, there are none of these 'defining moments.'
Right now, all I know is that at this current moment I feel ready to talk. I feel like I want to express myself.
I know that a lot of the problems lay with me - not with my mother. I never opened my heart to her. I kept it close. Shut tight. She's never understood me.
Both of us feel victimised.
And right now she feels like my boyfriend doesn't respect her.
I'd like to think/believe that I have a better view of what's going on. That I am growing, that I am maturing.
To be honest, I don't really know if I am. I know that I have a very stubborn streak in me. That rebels because it can, not because it's wise to.
To be honest, I don't believe I have a very strong belief in myself. In some ways I'm probably very self-destructive. I hold a lot of self-loathing. I don't really love myself. And that's something that's been told to me as young as when I was six.
They, my parents and my teachers, used to tell me that I had to learn to love myself. Because I couldn't love anyone else if I didn't love myself.
The more time I spend at my boyfriend's, the more I miss my mother. I miss the life I used to have. At the same time he argues that I had to break the mould sometime.
He believes that I had wanted to and needed to break free. And that no matter when I did it, it was going to hurt. Perhaps. Mother disagrees. Perhaps she just says that now because it will never happen. Or perhaps she is right.
How do I know?
I just need to go on with my life. I still shirk from responsibility and decision making. At the same time I want to make a step in the right direction. And I think that's as good a start as any. In fact, I'd like to believe that it's the most important step. Of course I could just be self-indulgent right now.
You know, so often I try to justify myself. I said to him the other night, how I sometimes felt so lost around him.
I feel lost around him, and I feel lost with him.
There was a time when I believed that our relationship had bad timing. And there are other times when I wonder if this was just the way it was meant to be. A lot of the things that my mother holds against me - the house, the money, the abortion, they were things beyond my control. They were things that I reacted to rather than actively started. The house just came. And it was so quick, I admit. Perhaps I should have hesitated. But I'm a bargain seeker. A bargain hunter. Faced with one - could I seriously turn it down? But I know that deep down I wasn't ready. But at the same time, when I rang him up and said "yes", the feeling of impulsiveness, the feeling of giddiness and freedom that went with it... it was so exhilarating, so freeing. For once I could just be me. He points that he is the first person I've been around where I'm not afraid to be me. I think that is partly true. I have always strived to be the "good girl" at home. Deep down I think I've been trying to compensate for my father in my own way. I have always tried to be the best dutiful girl that I could. At the same time I've railed.
Because I know that I'm the type of person who wants to see what I'm missing out. I am the epitome of the true believer that the grass is greener on the other side. And it is a bad way to be. Because I know that in following this doctrine, I am setting myself up for the fall. I will never be truly happy. Because I have envy in my heart. In my soul. In my bones.
I think I have a lot of issues. I have a lot of repressed emotions. And I lashed out. I blamed it on my mother. In the process of growing up, I hurt the people who loved me most. And I don't think I will ever forgive myself. Sure, I realise what I've done, and I can detach myself from my actions because I can see what I've done, and why I did what I did. But I don't think the day will come when I can explain it.
My cousin believes that I love my mother because I'm seeking counselling to sort this problem out. I think in part it is also me being selfish. Because me, personally, cannot hack this much longer. I don't want to leave. But it is so tempting. You have no idea how tempting it is to just pack up and leave, and never look back.
I miss my mother. I miss the chats we used to have, when I could be girly and young and tease her. But I know that I've never treated my family right. I've lorded my power over them, and mum in her love for me, let me. She spoilt me. And I never appreciated her love. By the time I could have and should have, my boyfriend came into my life and took my focus away.
I'm sorry. I really am. But at the same time, I'm sort've not. I know what I did. I know how I did it. And now I don't know what to do. I can try. But I don't know if it will achieve anything. I'm ready to now to try and merge these two worlds. But I don't know if I can.
At the end of the day I know I am very lucky. To have this mother. To have this man in my life. But I don't really know what to do.
My cousin suggests that I just stop thinking so much. And just do things to take my mind off them.
My starsign forecast suggests I just realise there are some things you can fix, and others you can't.
It reminds me of that by now much cliched, and so often quoted prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change. Courage to change the
things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change.
First I have to accept what is happening in my life. So often lately I think I've been living in a state of denial.
I'm no longer scared. I think I've taken my first step to accepting the reality. Or perhaps it's just the tiredness talking. Who knows? I may well wake up tomorrow morning and feel as crappy as I have been for the last few months.
I don't really know what to hold onto anymore. Right now I'm just waiting for Friday to come around.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:59 pm
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