Limited Butterfly
Had my wisdom tooth pulled out yesterday morning. Went in for a consultation, came out wisdom toothless. Have been in toothachey-pain for the last 24 hours.Have had arguments with mum all day. I started blogging it all out here but computer crashed. Now I'm just too 'over it' to bother rehashing - again.
Not so much feeling miserable, just don't really know what to do or feel anymore. Kind've numb in a way. I know I won't be changing anything. I won't. She seems to think that I'm only doing all these things because they are what my boyfriend wants. She doesn't realise these are things that I've always wanted to do - move out, be independent.
She gives me scenarios of how I could've done better by her. How my secretive actions have broken her heart and how unfair it all is to her. And how it's all my fault. That I deserve everything that she doles out and that I'm required to suffer. To feel the pain.
Yet my counsellor once said to me that I'm only responsible for myself. That I can't be responsible for everyone else. That my only responsibility in life is to make myself happy. And there mum goes that my happiness has been at the cost of others. That in order to gain my happiness, I have had to make all those around me suffer.
She blames me for my brother's marks. It's my fault that he's coming last.
If she had it her way she would hit me and pummel me so hard.
The more she talks, the more set in my ways I become. I will move out.
She tells me that I'm being childish. That I'm immature. That I'm rash. I guess. I don't know.
She says that if what I was doing was right, she'd have my blessing. But fact of the matter is everything I'm doing is wrong. And she can't accept that. She threatens so much.
All I want to do is run. Can you really blame me? I want to go away. I don't want to face any of this. And she refuses to accept that I won't give her money. It's not that I won't, it's just that I'll need more, when I move out. And she won't accept me giving her less.
How can I do this? I'll need to pay rent, bills, food and furniture.
I really don't want to move in with my boyfriend. I really want to be independent.
In her world, I've done everything wrong.
In my world, in the world of most, what I'm doing is perfectly natural. Why can't I do this? I really do not believe I'll regret my actions. If anything I just wish I had treated her better before I left all this in this horrendous mess. But to be honest, if I ask myself deep down, I think that what she says is true - I've never really appreciated or loved her.
My boyfriend refuses to wait 2-3 years for me to sort this out. All he sees is now. He knows now, that he loves me. He has no guarantees that this will be the same in 2-3 years. Just like I have no guarantees that I will still be interested in him 2-3 years down the track. And it's true, what he says about how there really is 'something' between us.
Something that's tangible. A tangible love. Something that you could almost hold in your hand and cherish. Mum believes that it's just me looking for a replacement for my dad. That may hold some elements of truth in it, but to be honest, aren't a lot of relationships like that? Where people find compensation in others. The true test in those relationships is that after those problems/issues are solved, it's a matter of whether you can stick it out with that person - whether there is more to that relationship than just psychological and emotional compensation. And you won't know that without time.
Meanwhile, all she says to me is, the deeper you go, the worse it'll get. You're going to regret this.
Regret? All I feel is security, warmth and comfort when he hugs me.
Yes, I may not be 100% happy, because family is not accepting, because I can't share or talk to anyone about this relationship - not work, and not all of my friends. I can't tell them all the things I've gone through.
I just feel like I'm in such a big quandry.
I'm not ready to do something major like getting married. Spending a few nights per week with him is enough for me these days. I don't want to get into something like marriage. To me, that means we'll be committed forever. What if I get sick of him?
I guess happiness has its limits...
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:52 pm
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