Teetering Butterfly
Sometimes it seems like I'm on a rollercoaster ride. One minute I'm on top of the world, embraced in a relationship that can make me so happy I could cry. Content to the point where the simple act of being in the same vicinity of one person is enough to feel completely at ease. Warm. Comforted. Loved.When you can think of nothing but wanting to stay this way forever. Where you can see a reassuring path leading to the horizon that resounds with feelings of certainty. And it's like being enveloped in a blanket. You know, like being hugged. And knowing that for those moments while you're cocooned in that reality, everything is safe. warm.
Then there are other times when I feel like I'm in a sink of oblivion. Where all the bad things come at you all at once. Where sadness fills up your senses, like a fog slowly building in the darkness. And you struggle through, looking for the path through an opaque murkiness. When you feel desperate and lost. And you suddenly want out. You don't want to fight, and surrendering feels like your only option.
I woke up this morning, and coming to work I think of all the little things that dot my relationship with my boyfriend. All the frustrations. All the little imperfect things. And me being the at times stubborn person that I am wanted to refuse his advances. To block myself out and live my own life. There have been times when I've toyed with the idea of ending it. Of wanting to just close all this off. To stop feeling. And just care about myself. It would settle homelife down sweetly. And it's not a life I'm not used to. Hell, I've lived it for 22 years.
But I have to grow up sometime, right? Maybe this wasn't the ideal way to grow up, but either way it's just about done. All that remains now is how to decide to live the rest of my life. And it's scary to contemplate. Sometimes I don't want to think about it at all. I just want to block it all out and run away.
It's funny though. No matter how resolute I try to be or become, there are still parts of me that are vulnerable and unprotected. He emails me this morning, and suddenly I am undone. And for a moment tears pricked my eyes. Not out of sadness like the other night, where I crawled into bed beside him thinking that he was asleep and just crying out all my frustrations only to find that he was still upset and I had been discovered. Sometimes I think there is a streak in me that just wants to punish other people. Be it to stop myself from feeling bad, or simply because it's only fair. Or maybe it's just a mean streak I have. But not this morning. I suddenly felt so loved.
And so here I teeter. On the brink. On the edge.
I had planned to write a blog about the inner me today. It's funny how blog topics can sometimes float inside your head, and cry for an outlet. Cry for a voice. But then they all start competing. And you find yourself logging in and just looking blankly at the text box. And then you start writing in the hopes of being able to write down all the things that are crowding around in your head. And then just as you click 'publish post' you realise that there's a whole section that you completely forgot to mention. But it doesn't flow with your writing. Because once you start on one tangent, you suddenly forget about all the other paths. The main reason being you need to find your destination. And all the other options remain that - simply options. Am I even making sense?
Maybe I'll come back later and edit or add or something. Or just write a new post.
I think I'll be alright today.
~ * ~
"How do you do it when I'm overwhelmed by a violet sky?"
Third Eye Blind ~ Good Man
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:33 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home