Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Shackled Butterfly

For so long my life's been sewn up tight inside your hold
And it leaves me there without a place to call my own
I know now what shadows can see
There's no point in running 'less you run with me
It's half the distance to the open door
Before you cut me down
Again
Let me introduce you to the end

And I feel the cold wind blowing beneath my wings
It always leads me back to suffering
But I will soar until the wind whips me down
Leaves me beaten on unholy ground again

So tired now of paying my dues
I start out strong but then I always lose
It's half the distance before you leave me behind
It's such a waste of time

'Cause my shackles
You won't be
And my rapture
You won't believe
And deep inside you will bleed for me

So here I slave inside of a broken dream
Forever holding onto splitting seams
So take your piece and leave me alone to die
I don't need you to keep my faith alive

I know now what trouble can be
And why it follows me so easily
It's half the distance through the open door
Before you shut me down
Again
Let me introduce you to the end

Though you know you care

And my laughter
You won't hear
The faster
I disappear

And time will burn your eyes to tears

Vertical Horizon - Shackled


~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I've always loved this song. For certain phrases. For the way it's sung. For the music. But I was listening to it today while doing my funky, nerd-of-the-art graphs for my latest report and suddenly had the urge to check up songmeanings.com to see what the song meant. Coz I never bothered to really listen to the lyrics. It was all a bit of a hodge-podge. One of those songs that you find both catchy and haunting at the same time.

And as I'm reading people's interpretations on songmeanings.com, I suddenly realise that perhaps this song has more relevancy to my life than I had at first believed or thought possible.

It's actually funny how songs become relevant and irrelevant as different situations come into your life. And how you can love certain songs without ever relating to them. And then suddenly when they do, the song takes on a different lease of life, and you sit there and bask in this glow of irony. I was already there. We had met, but never truly needed to know each other. It's like serendipity. fortuitous. coincidental. ironic. and all those other vague words that we constantly use wrongly.

It always seems that I'm drawn to songs that have tragic lyrics. Songs that contains words like misery, or express feelings of regret, futility, tragedy, bitterness or anger. I was watching a dvd the other day - De-Lovely, a film starring Kevin Kline about Cole Porter, a song writer in the 30s. And the song that caught my ear was Begin the Beguine which talked of love, and followed the adage, 'to never go back once love is lost.' The line that pulled me in and ate me whole was:

And now when I hear people curse
The chance that was wasted,
I know but too well what they mean;
So don’t let them begin the beguine
Let the love that was once a fire remain an ember;
Let it sleep like the dead desire I only remember
When they begin the beguine.

But I'm digressing.

I'm actually taking time out today to blog, when I should be frantically finishing up this damn report in time for tomorrow's cob deadline. But anyway...

Lots of things have been crowding into my thoughts lately, to the point where they all ended up spilling out. But because I haven't had time to try and sort them out or put them into any coherent sense of order, all these thoughts have slowly but surely trickled out onto my boyfriend.

I went to bed last night wondering if this is what 'healthy' really is. If telling someone about all your hopes and fears (forgive the cliche) is what it's all about. If writing it all out, or in this day and age, blogging it all out, is only the second best remedy. If the best type of therapy for anyone, is to tell someone.

We had a conversation the other night where he jokingly commented because of our genders and the age difference, he'll be long gone before me. And that scared me. To the point where I sort've realised maybe all his talk about 'you only get one shot at life' wasn't just that - all talk. If in fact, there was some truth in his talk.

And suddenly when two months ago I couldn't comprehend the logic behind his explanation how back in April after he took me and my cousin driving around the country side, spending essentially full days in my company led him to want to continuously spend time with me to the point where 1-2 evenings a week was unacceptable, suddenly, I see it.

I spent the weekend at his house this weekend. Celebrating his dad's birthday, attending family functions (if you can call a brotherly footy session in front of the television a family event) and pretty much spending a weekend with him. And when I went home that evening, it was like I was emerging from an entirely different reality.

See, his dad is a retired politician. The attendees at his dad's birthday were not only successful, famous people, but also often, influential during their heyday. And there I was rubbing shoulders with all of them. Me, just a girl from inner suburbia. What do I know? How on earth did I get here?

But more importantly, upon coming back to work yesterday morning, I suddenly realised how much of the 'life he has to offer me' is appealing to me. How spending time with him is no longer a luxury, it's a necessity. Sometimes, just sitting there on the couch with him flicking through bad cable tv. Watching a dvd. Lounging around reading the newspaper on a Saturday morning. Sitting together on the couch eating a gourmet meal he concoted in the kitchen. Falling asleep in his arms. Waking up halfway through the night to find his arms wrapped around me.

I can't give that up.

Yet knowing that it won't always be the case scares me. And somewhere this past weekend I ended up voicing those fears. To which he laughed and said, 'you'll have me for 50 years or so. it's so cute to have you worrying about things that won't happen for 50 years.'

Whereas, all I see isn't 'eternal happiness' or 'happy ever after' all I see, is some happiness, then blackness. What will I do when he's no longer around? When I don't have him to turn to? When I can't lay all my troubles at his door?

"The most important thing is looking after each other. The cost of things is irrelevant."
"And do I? Look after you?"
"Yes."

Less than 5 metres away, in front of a different computer terminal, comes an email:
"I miss you during the day."

The longer that time goes by the more I worry. The more I begin to realise I've started relying on him. The more I wonder if I really do love him. The more I wonder sometimes if I've done the right thing.

And then there's the whole mother saga. Where the song I posted up seems so relevant to my life right now. Where sometimes I do feel trapped or shackled to all her wants and desires, to the point where I have no place to call my own. And how even though now she's given me my freedoms, she still doesn't seem to have let go entirely. And how I have to deal with that.

I was sitting at work yesterday morning and thought, 'what if mum started showing she cared? Would I/could I accept it? Or would I feel trapped again? And if that's the case, haven't I essentially won? Don't I have what I want now? Freedom? Without being expected to explain my case. Without having to constantly tell her things. And while I still do some things, and while she no longer responds either way, at the very least I'm doing things. And there are moments when I really do feel independent and adult. Like two Sundays ago, going out to dinner with friends. It wasn't planned. It just happened. And I didn't have to ask for anyone's permission. We just went. And it was nice.

And suddenly, I sound so lame =P

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm trying to sort my life out. And on the way, I keep on encountering all these emotional roadblocks. Some beyond my control, and some not so beyond my control. Some self-induced, some important, and some that I can bypass.

Today's forecast says essentialy for me to be flexible. But what does that really mean? Mum's away tonight for a teaching conference. This is the first time she's ever been away. Like, away on her own for a night. I don't really know how to fathom it. Sometimes it's like she's acting so childish. Desperate acts made by a desperate woman trying to keep hold of her daughter. But to be honest, it's not like I'm not her daughter. I always will be. I just need to be an adult as well.

I don't know if choosing the path I have chosen is in fact the right one for me. Often I think that only walking down this path will tell me the answer. But at the same time, sometimes I just want the other half of my life to start. I spent most of my childhood wishing it away, wanting to be an adult, to have time to myself, to live out on my own. And these days I'm wishing away my youth, the supposed 'best years of your life' to simply get away from certain realities in my life.

I don't really want time to burn her eyes into tears. But it doesn't matter. It seems she's doing it herself these days.

Don't really know how to describe my mood at the moment. Suffice it to say that I'm still a bit lost and confused. Maybe that will never go away. And my search for stability, clarity and certainty is as unattainable as the search for the holy grail.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:08 pm

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