Facing Butterfly
We sort've agreed today. And I sort've realised something that's been hampering me a little lately. Yes I've been unhappy. But more importantly I've been scared. I've been trying to run away from my problems.While my mother has decided to let me have free rein, I suddenly find myself lost in an unknown city. A world where it's just me. And while she has said I can come home anytime I want, she no longer plays advisory.
There's been a bit of friction in our relationship lately and I mentioned that perhaps I wanted a week away from my boyfriend so I would feel less pressured. And while I admitted that maybe I was just running away from my problems, he also pointed out that maybe I was just running away to a place where I knew was safe.
The words struck a chord. I know what he's talking about. It's funny sometimes how you need someone to point out the forest. And it made me think - how long have I been running scared? How long have I been scared that in my independence I was starting out something that is both new and scary? That could potentially fall apart?
And with his reassurance that he was with me on this, I suddenly had in my mind's eye, two people clutching each other in reassurance and safety. Bobbing there in an ocean with only each other for salvation. Two people, clutching each other amidst the hustle and bustle of life, standing in a crowded city, among unknown peoples, amidst the chaos and the slings and arrows of the world. Safe in each other's arms.
I need him as much as he needs me. And I suddenly realised what it means to have someone.
It's time I stopped running. It's time I faced all of this. And as long as he's with me, it's gotta be good right?
"Well in my world, love conquers all baby.
And I love you."
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:51 am
3 Comments:
That reminds me of that movie, Open Water.
If you haven't seen it, you gotta watch it! Its about a loving couple bobbing together alone in the ocean because their tour boat left them behind. Initially they did clutch to each other for safety, but yeah you just gotta watch it.
From an outsiders perspective, it seems you utterly devote 100% reliability to the person you love. Although that can be a good thing, it would also leave you extremely vunerable. I learnt to only rely on myself and give only some of me to a loved one. Maybe thats a pessimistics view on things, but I had to learn that the hard way.
Nope - I don't think I've even heard of that movie. Will have to go and find it and check it out sometime.
I agree that it may well seem like I am relying way too much on this person than I perhaps should.
But here's the thing:
I've been in that situation before. Perhaps not the exact one, but I've been in a situation where I was utterly devoted and they left me. Without warning, without explanation. You could probably say that I'm still dealing with it.
I wonder sometimes if in fact I could ever give 100% of me to a person. To be honest, I don't know if I can.
And while I understand that you should never surrender yourself to someone to the point where you lose yourself, I also acknowledge that you can't fall in love with someone without letting go of yourself.
If this thing falls apart, I know how devastated I would be. But I'd like to think that I would also know that I would be able to stand up and be ok.
Of course this is all theoretical. And who knows if I can. But I'd like to think I can.
And to be honest - no matter what I say, there's still a little part of me that I keep to myself. Those moments of doubt and angst, where I sometimes wish for space and 'me' time. Where I wonder if I would be better off going on this learning curve alone. I'd like to think that proves I'm not as devoted as you may think, or I may seem.
At the same time I also know it's about time I started growing up - and I want to learn. I want to be able to face all these issues, and while I'm not necessarily asking for my heart to be broken, I am willing to face the consequences.
Or maybe you will just point out to me that I don't understand what I'm asking for. Maybe that is true.
All I know is that you have to risk something in order to get something back. And often rewards do not come without risk.
And so far, the rewards, for me, have been worth it.
"And to be honest - no matter what I say, there's still a little part of me that I keep to myself. Those moments of doubt and angst, where I sometimes wish for space and 'me' time. Where I wonder if I would be better off going on this learning curve alone. I'd like to think that proves I'm not as devoted as you may think, or I may seem."
It does :)
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