Depressed Butterfly
We had a discussion. Boyfriend and I. He seems to believe that I'm emotionally depressed. That everything has coalesced into this huge weight on my shoulders. And I have become so tightly wound up over everything that it's affecting me to the point where it becomes quite obvious to him that I'm unhappy."I can see that you're sad."
We had a mini argument of sorts.
There are just so many things going wrong right now. Nothing seems stable, and while I acknowledge that change is the only constant in life, I don't need all these big things to come at me at once. I need time and space to deal with these problems. Because they're not minor problems. They're fairly big. But when they all come at once, I can't focus. I don't know where to start or what to do first.
My period hasn't come yet. I've been taking the pill for 2 months now, and while it came last month, it's scheduled to come again - and it hasn't. I don't want to go through another termination again. Since that termination it seems all my health has done is deteriorate. It's bad enough that home and work are working against me. While my boyfriend are in love, the relationship is far from perfect. I don't need my body to work against me either. But these days there doesn't seem to be a single place where I am comfortable or know what's going on. I'm not even comfortable in my own skin.
I'm just so tired.
And while perhaps both of us agree that I may well be depressed, I for one don't know how to go about changing things. Am I really just supposed to learn to start ignoring the pain and punishment that my mother doles out to me on a regular basis?
I went to church yesterday morning, and for once I really felt like a phoney. I'm a non-practicing Catholic in some ways. But I've never felt truly phoney or hypocritical when I step into a church. But sitting there flanked on either side by my mother and my brother, I suddenly felt lost. That it wasn't right for me to be there. It was like a totally different life ruled by different values than the ones I have been introduced to and am living by from my boyfriend.
None of my friends will ever be in the same situation as I am. All of them are still living at home. And are not ashamed of it. Why am I so easily swayed by everything? Someone says something about 'this is how it should be' and I automatically start taking down notes.
...where's the real me?
Mum preaches that I'm doing wrong, and that she's the only one who loves me enough to point it out to me.
My boyfriend insists that the life he is living is the right way to live. And that if I didn't want it, I wouldn't be there in the first place.
My cousin points out that the things I do are in fact 'normal.' And that if I didn't, then I would be the one with problems.
My friends all just go with the flow, and don't contradict me at all. They take the safe path: "if this is what you truly want, go for it."
The only other friend I have who is in a similar situation with me isn't moving out though. Having said that, she's also been one with a stronger sense of self than I.
It seems sometimes that I'm just on this cycle of self-destruction.
My boyfriend also pointed out that I seem to have this strong streak of self-loathing. Do I really hate myself that much? Sometimes I wouldn't be surprised.
He's so much about being the unique, independent individual that will stick to their guns and hold onto their beliefs. But I don't think he realises how much of a flake I am deep down. How much I try to adhere to other people's opinions and beliefs. How much I work to becoming the perfect facade for all to see.
While he points out that I've built him up to be the perfect boyfriend, that is in fact far from the truth. And perhaps I also have a lot of faults that go against me. Unfortunately half the time I don't know what they are, or maybe I just refuse to see them.
Deep down, perhaps I really do hold a deep well of self-loathing.
I don't know. But sometimes I also wonder whether I should in fact keep this blog. Does it wind me up even more? Or is it fulfilling its intention and helping me express all the pent up feeling and emotional instability? Is it part of the key to my destruction? Or an element of my salvation?
I'm just tired. Maybe a healthy dose of Sarah will help.
I just feel like I'm being pushed and pulled in all manner of directions. There's the me that wants out. That just wants to block it all and run away. Then there's the me that wants to spend time on my own to puzzle through all the problems that have been affecting me lately. There's the me that wants to smooth things over at home and provide my mother with a little comfort. There's the me that just wants to make things a lot easier.
While I make all these accusations about other people, like my mother refusing to accept reality, and my boyfriend sometimes taking me for granted and simply doing things that will cater to his fancy rather than mine, sometimes I think perhaps I'm the one with all these problems. That I'm just projecting all my faults and errors onto other people. I remember reading once that the reasons people give for breaking up a relationship often reflect the problems that the breakers have with the breakees rather than the other way round. For example, they may argue that their partner never spends time on them, and is cold and uncaring, when in fact it may well be that person has no time to spend with their partner and begins to feel guilty. So that when they do make time and their partner is unavailable, they automatically start to build resentment, and a wall of self-protection begins to build up. It's not my fault, see, they don't have time for me. And the guilt builds and twists, and suddenly you're blaming your partner for all your own faults and trespasses.
I hope that's not what I'm doing with my mother and my boyfriend. But I'm not 100% sure that isn't the case.
Anyhow, I have to leave work at 4 today. Have to get my stitches out. Yaay. Not.
Best get to work and start the day.
Sometimes I wonder how deep my emotional well runs. How much of this really is all self-induced and how much is genuine pain and emotional insecurity.
Do I really love this person? Or am I just trying to find solace in other people?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:17 am
3 Comments:
If you really need help Anti-depressants are great, just don't depend on them, they will ruin your health even more.
P.S. religion is overrated =)
"Why am I so easily swayed by everything? Someone says something about 'this is how it should be' and I automatically start taking down notes."
You know, I only recently realized I do that too. Someone would recommend something that would suit me, and I'll start convincing myself its for me.
I re-evaluated all the decisions I've made and they've all been pushed by others, including my decision to move out.
Anti-depressants - I've started eating a bit more chocolate. I don't know about prescription drugs. Feels a bit like cheating to me. Hell, I used to say that about coffee, and I just bought myself a cup this morning. Go figure...
As to being swayed - I find that often if I get told that this is 'normal' I will change my behaviour accordingly. I think it refers to the big and the little things. And while often I argue that I am independent, and may at times dig my heels in for a little variety, in case I get accused of being too much of a lemming, deep down I think I'm a conformist at heart. Mind you, that's a blog topic in itself. =)
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